Crypt Shyfter: Colossus

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<div style="text-align: center;">\ ----- CRYPT SHYFTER: COLOSSUS ----- [[Start Game|storyMode]] [[Music Settings & Credits|settings]] [[Ultimate Badasses|uba]] [[Special Features|specifea]] </div> <<set $hp = 25>>\ <<set $atk = 1>>\ <<set $run = 1>>\ <<set $pizza = 2>>\ <<set $acidbomb = 0>>\ <<set $inventory= []>>\ <<audio "track3" loop play>>\

Before we get started, are you a dude or a chick? [[Dude|dude]] [[Chick|chick]]

<div style="text-align: center;">\ Written by KungFuSpaceBarbarian Cover art by DarkDarren Music: Aloid: TheDoubleOne | Combo Breaker Japan: Waterflame Final Form: I0TA | Oddity: TheDoubleOne Soft: TheDoubleOne | Road Ahead: TheDoubleOne Open the sidebar at any time to select music. [[Start Game|storyMode]] [[Music Settings & Credits|settings]] [[Ultimate Badasses|uba]] [[Special Features|specifea]] </div>\

<div style="text-align: center;">\ ULTIMATE BADASSES: HeRoBlowe, Phronemophobia, TheDoubleOne, RedPhoenix, jordylll, Lost, nocryer, Jorge Luiz, Axe_Weiding_Dragonborn, Admiral Autistic, kamoplaj, Mortdecai, Cker, Kardor, Benjaskwi, Adrul gra Amgarrak, Marcus, Corypheus, Philburn the cultured, Baladorf, Kosmo, KarimXYZ, Chef Excellence, Jacob Ironstorm, Rinkin, Modius Deathgripper, zach, Emma987, Juan Carlos, PopFizzy, juliet, Ajbankz, Marcin, company.inc, Donovan, Craig, darkchaos125, Fadhill, Smoncko, Wallac, Jet, Ron, Thimothy, Blaize, Mihai769, Kiranis, Ewolf, Sir Tobis, NOPE., paige [[Start Game|storyMode]] | [[Music Settings & Credits|settings]] [[Special Features|specifea]] | [[Become an Ultimate Badass|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] </div>\

Zarkaja. It is an alien word that means "Great Leader." It is also your title among the Fuzonians. [[Continue|legend]] <<set $convo = 0>>\ <<set $corvo = 0>>\

Right on. [[Continue|startnew]] <<set $alien = "Vulma">>\

Right on. [[Continue|startnew]] <<set $alien = "Zalbraak">>\

<<if visited("dude")>>\ The story of how you, a barbarian prince from beyond the stars, became Zarkaja of the pizza-eating, video-game-loving Fuzonians has become legend throughout the galaxy. The aliens revere you for your strength, courage, and honor. Whenever there is a problem, no matter how big or small, they turn to you for help. That is why you are now standing on the edge of the desert, staring out at a herd of slaughtered loompas festering in the sun. [[Continue|loomps]] <<else>>\ The story of how you, a barbarian princess from beyond the stars, became Zarkaja of the pizza-eating, video-game-loving Fuzonians has become legend throughout the galaxy. The aliens revere you for your strength, courage, and honor. Whenever there is a problem, no matter how big or small, they turn to you for help. That is why you are now standing on the edge of the desert, staring out at a herd of slaughtered loompas festering in the sun. [[Continue|loomps]]<</if>>

<<if visited("dude")>>\ You pinch your nose. Unbearable as the smell is to you, $alien seems to be completely oblivious to it. $alien. The blue-skinned beauty of Fuzonia. When you first met her, you thought she was kinda dorky and nerdy. But as you've gotten to know her, you find yourself wondering more and more frequently whether or not her alien anatomy is compatible with yours... [[Puke|puke]] [[Examine the loompas|examinelf]] [[Speak to Vulma|speaktoalien]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]] <<else>>\ You pinch your nose. Unbearable as the smell is to you, $alien seems to be completely oblivious to it. $alien. The blue-skinned hunk of Fuzonia. When you first met him, you thought he was kinda dorky and nerdy. But as you've gotten to know him, you find yourself wondering more and more frequently whether or not his alien anatomy is compatible with yours... [[Puke|puke]] [[Examine the loompas|examinelf]] [[Speak to Zalbraak|speaktoalien]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]]<</if>>

<<if visited("dude")>>\ You drop to your knees and throw up all over the sand. $alien offers you a cloth, which you use to wipe your mouth. The stench of loompa guts is worse than a dead skunk farting in a pile of garbage. [[Examine the loompas|examinelf]] [[Speak to Vulma|speaktoalien]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]] <<else>>\ You drop to your knees and throw up all over the sand. $alien offers you a cloth, which you use to wipe your mouth. The stench of loompa guts is worse than a dead skunk farting in a pile of garbage. [[Examine the loompas|examinelf]] [[Speak to Zalbraak|speaktoalien]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]]<</if>>

<<if $corvo == 1>>\ Nothing more to be found here. [[Speak to your Fuzonian companion|speaktoalien]] [[Examine the loompas|examinelf]] <<else>>\ You nudge one of the dead beasts with your foot. The bodies all look like they’ve been hacked apart by swords and drained of their blood. You frown, thinking to yourself. Why would anyone want to kill the loompas? Their leathery skin makes them unfit for eating, and their odor- gods! Unpleasant doesn’t even begin to describe it. They’re just dumb beasts that eat the dying weeds in the desert. [[Continue|ivnsn]] <<set $corvo = 1>>\ <</if>>\

<<if $convo == 1>>\ The communication device on your wrist begins blinking. You tap a button to open the communication channel and Thrakk’s voice fills the air. [[Continue|pankickfthrk]] <<else>>\ What do you want to say? [[What happened to them?|whatdoyoumake]] [[Do you think Andraxxans killed them?|andraxxans]] [[Does Thrakk know about this?|thrakknow]] [[That’s all for now.|allfornow]]<</if>>

$alien: I have knowledge of over 10 billion forms of life, but I’ve never encountered a creature that ravages flesh like this and leaves the bodies to rot. There are only three species of predatory carnivores on Fuzonia, and none prey on faunae this large. Also, they tend to consume the bodies of their victims. [[Maybe it was a vampire?|vampire]] [[Do you think Andraxxans killed them?|andraxxans]] [[Does Thrakk know about this?|thrakknow]] [[That’s all for now.|allfornow]]

$alien: What use would they find in slaughtering cattle? Besides, Andraxxans don’t slash and tear like wild animals. They fry their enemies with ray guns. [[Perhaps they’ve developed a new weapon.|neewpp]] [[Maybe it was a vampire?|vampire]] [[Does Thrakk know about this?|thrakknow]] [[That’s all for now.|allfornow]]

$alien: Indeed. Thrakk is checking the perimeter in the south quadrant. There is a high population of loompas living there. I thought it might be prudent to check on them as well. Can’t be too cautious. [[What happened to them?|whatdoyoumake]] [[Do you think Andraxxans killed them?|andraxxans]] [[That’s all for now.|allfornow]]

<<if $corvo == 1>>\ The communication device on your wrist begins blinking. You tap a button to open the communication channel and Thrakk’s voice fills the air. [[Continue|pankickfthrk]] <<else>>\ What do you want to do? [[Speak to your Fuzonian companion|speaktoalien]] [[Examine the loompas|examinelf]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]] <<set $convo = 1>>\ <</if>>\

$alien: I am unfamiliar with that word. [[Vampires are bloodsucking demons that lurk in the darkest jungles on my home planet.|homeplanet]] [[Do you think Andraxxans killed them?|andraxxans]] [[Does Thrakk know about this?|thrakknow]] [[That’s all for now.|allfornow]]

$alien: Did you bring one with you? [[Not unless the vizier found one and sent it across space to slay me, ensuring I’d never return.|nevertrun]] [[Do you think Andraxxans killed them?|andraxxans]] [[Does Thrakk know about this?|thrakknow]] [[That’s all for now.|allfornow]]

$alien considers your words in silence. [[Do you think Andraxxans killed them?|andraxxans]] [[Does Thrakk know about this?|thrakknow]] [[That’s all for now.|allfornow]]

$alien: Unlikely. They have nothing to fear from these creatures. They might as well develop a high powered atom smasher to crush ring-tailed moogles, for all the good that would do them. [[Maybe it was a vampire?|vampire]] [[Does Thrakk know about this?|thrakknow]] [[That’s all for now.|allfornow]]

<<if visited("dude")>>\ You notice a small, fleshy sac inside one of the carcasses. [[Examine it|examinesac]] [[Leave it alone|leaveitalone]] [[Speak to Vulma|speaktoalien]] <<else>>\ You notice a small, fleshy sac inside one of the carcasses. [[Examine it|examinesac]] [[Leave it alone|leaveitalone]] [[Speak to Zalbraak|speaktoalien]]<</if>>

You pick up the fleshy sac and hold it up to the light. It is transparent. You can see green liquid sloshing inside. [[Continue|mephitic]]

<<if $convo == 1>>\ The communication device on your wrist begins blinking. You tap a button to open the communication channel and Thrakk’s voice fills the air. [[Continue|pankickfthrk]] <<else>>\ What do you want to do? [[Speak to your Fuzonian companion|speaktoalien]] [[Examine the loompas|examinelf]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]]<</if>>

$alien: That is a mephitic sac. Some of these creatures have been known to produce acid, which is stored in those sacs. We aren’t sure what the loompas use it for, but the acid is highly corrosive. I’d strongly advise not letting that sac tear. If you get any on your skin... [[Put it down|putitdown]] [[Throw it at a rock|throawtrokc]] [[Gather a few more and put them in your satchel|satchel]]

<<if $convo == 1>>\ You put the sac on the ground. The communication device on your wrist begins blinking. You tap a button to open the communication channel and Thrakk’s voice fills the air. [[Continue|pankickfthrk]] <<else>>\ You put the sac on the ground. What do you want to do? [[Speak to your Fuzonian companion|speaktoalien]] [[Examine the loompas|examinelf]]<</if>>

<<if visited("dude")>>\ You throw the fleshy sac at a nearby rock. The sac explodes in a spray of green acid. Everything the acid touches melts almost immediately. [[Gather a few more and put them in your satchel|satchel]] [[Speak to Vulma|speaktoalien]] <<else>>\ You throw the fleshy sac at a nearby rock. The sac explodes in a spray of green acid. Everything the acid touches melts almost immediately. [[Gather a few more and put them in your satchel|satchel]] [[Speak to Zalbraak|speaktoalien]]<</if>>

$alien: What are you doing? [[These things could come in handy. They’re like tiny acid bombs.|handy]] <<set $acidbomb += 3>>\

<<if $convo == 1>>\ $alien shrugs. The communication device on your wrist begins blinking. You tap a button to open the communication channel and Thrakk’s voice fills the air. [[Continue|pankickfthrk]] <<else>>\ $alien shrugs. [[Speak to your Fuzonian companion|speaktoalien]] [[Examine the loompas|examinelf]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]]<</if>>

Thrakk: Vroom-de-dee! Attack! Attack! It's killing everything! It's- *bzzt* [[Continue|atksl]]

The connection cuts off. At that moment you hear a yell in the distance. You spot two Fuzonians who had come to examine the loompas being pursued by a large, slavering monster with slimy skin and sharp fangs. If you don't intervene that beast will rip them to shreds! [[Find Thrakk|telethrakk]] [[Save the Fuzonians|savefuz]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]]

$alien pulls out a crystal shard and grabs your wrist. The crystal begins to glow and suddenly the world swirls around you. You feel your stomach churn. Your vision goes black and the smell of the loompas vanishes. You can hear nothing, see nothing, and feel nothing. You begin to panic. [[Continue|breakfast]]

You sprint toward the Fuzonians with your electrified axe raised over your head. The monster rears back and attacks! [[Begin Combat|MAINCOMBAT2]] [[Skip Fight|intocave]] <<set $ehp = 15>>\

The next instant you're on your hands and knees, barfing all over the ground. [[What the devil...?|wtd]] [[Am I alive?|wtd]]

No response. You look up and see your blue-skinned companion drawing a curved knife and springing over a pile of fallen rocks. You realize you're in the south quadrant, surrounded by the bodies of even more dead loompas. $alien must have transported you here with that glowing crystal... [[Continue|swords]]

You notice movement to your left. Glancing up, you see a hooded swordsman charging right at you! [[Begin Combat|MAINCOMBAT1]] [[Skip Fight|maxtk2]] <<set $ehp = 15>>\

Max Attack increased by 2. [[Continue|maxtk2]] <<set $atk += 2>>\

You're surprised to see that the swordsman isn't a man at all, but a woman. And not only that... she's human! [[You're human!?|human]] [[Are you the one that's been slaughtering the loompas?|slaughtuing]] [[What are you doing here?|whatdoing]]

Starwisp: What black insults do you throw at me, cur? [[Continue|vvvv]]

Starwisp: We have slaughtered nothing! We hunt the bloodsucking abomination. It is an inter-dimensional being not meant to live on this plane of existence. It must be eliminated. As protectors of this quadrant, it is our duty to see that task through to the end. [[Protectors?|protectors]] [[Is that what slaughtered the loompas?|whatsla]] [[Who are you?|protectors]]

Starwisp: We hunt the bloodsucking abomination. It is an inter-dimensional being not meant to live on this plane of existence. It must be eliminated. As protectors of this quadrant, it is our duty to see that task through to the end. [[Protectors?|protectors]] [[Is that what slaughtered the loompas?|whatsla]] [[Who are you?|protectors]]

$alien: Not human. Tozark. [[Continue|friendh]]

At that moment you spot $alien helping Thrakk into a seated position. It looks like Thrakk has taken a beating. Just then two more Tozark women approach. As you take a moment to examine them, you begin to notice slight differences in their appearance. [[Continue|appearjs]]

Their skin is a shade of lightish red. Their faces and arms are covered in strange markings. They could be some form of tattoos. The Tozarks seem to recognize the differences in you as well. [[Continue|diff]]

Starwisp: Where are your shakaari? [[My what?|mywhat]] [[I'm the one asking the questions around here!|imasking]]

Starwisp: The god-markings on your arms and face, where are they? It is blasphemy for a Tozark to hide the shakaari! [[I don't have any. I'm a human.|imahum]] [[That's not important. Tell me why you've been slaughtering loompas.|whyslaughter]]

Starwisp: Imbecile! You are interfering with our work! We hunt the bloodsucking abomination. It is an inter-dimensional being not meant to live on this plane of existence. It must be eliminated. As protectors of this quadrant, it is our duty to see that task through to the end. [[Protectors?|protectors]] [[Is that what slaughtered the loompas?|whatsla]] [[Who are you?|protectors]]

Starwisp: Unmarked devil! They must have brought the bloodsucker with them! Slay them all, my sisters! [[Hold on! Bloodsucker? Did something else kill these loompas?|kiilll]] [[If it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get!|fightoyul]]

Starwisp: We believe a portal to another dimension has been opened somewhere on this planet. We must deal with the bloodsucker and close the portal so that no more can come through to this plane of existence. [[It seems we are of like purpose. We too hunt the beast that slaughtered the loompas.|likepurpose]] [[Do you have a plan to slay the beast?|plantokill]]

$alien: Please be civil! We aren't here to fight you! Our purposes align. We, too, seek to destroy the bloodsucker. [[Continue|vulmajajf]]

The woman proudly holds her sword aloft. A soft red glow seems to emanate from somewhere deep inside the blade. [[Continue|starforged]]

Starwisp: This sword was forged in the fires of a dying star on the outer rim of the Sharrkana quadrant. We are its keepers, the guardians of the light, sworn to uphold the laws of nature and science in this sector. My name is Starwisp. These are my sisters, Mara and Lyra. Together we make up the Holy Sisterhood of the Star-Forged Sword. [[That's a pretty name.|prettyname]] [[So you're hunting this vampire because it doesn't belong here?|vampdoesn]] [[It seems we are of like purpose. We too hunt the beast that slaughtered the loompas.|likepurpose]]

Starwisp: That is correct. We believe a portal to another dimension has been opened somewhere on this planet. We must deal with the bloodsucker and close the portal so that no more can come through to this plane of existence. [[It seems we are of like purpose. We too hunt the beast that slaughtered the loompas.|likepurpose]] [[Do you have a plan to slay the beast?|plantokill]]

Starwisp: I can see the truth in your eyes. You are not our enemies. But this beast is beyond your power. You should return home and leave the creature to us. [[Like hell!|likehell]] [[Are you sure you don't want some help? I am pretty badass.|likehell]] [[If you're sure you can handle it, I think I'll just go take a nap.|takeanap]]

Starwisp: If you are intent on throwing your lives away, then so be it. But if that is your decision then you must follow our lead and do exactly as we say. We do not intent to kill the bloodsucker. We mean to capture it. [[You're kidding, right?|kidding]] [[Why not destroy the monster and be done with it?|kidding]]

$alien: We will have time to re-energize later. For now, I think our time would be better spent pursuing this creature. [[Continue|likehell]]

Starwisp: Not slay. Capture. [[You're kidding, right?|kidding]] [[Why not destroy the monster and be done with it?|kidding]]

Starwisp: The bloodsucker is a blasphemy to this world, but the knowledge we could gain by studying it is worth the risks. [[I can't let you do that. If you won't kill that monster, then I will.|illkill]] [[Very well. How will we capture it?|howcap]]

At that moment you hear a blood-curdling shriek. You spin and see a slimy monster dragging a Fuzonian farmer into a nearby cave. The Star-Forged Sisters immediately sprint after it. You follow behind, but their speed is astonishing. The sisters disappear into the cave. You and $alien arrive at the entrance a moment later. [[Continue|intacava]]

Starwisp: I carry a device that will ensnare the beast if we can get close. This cube will expand into an unbreakable cage. The bars of the cage are reinforced with star-steel. It is the most durable metal in the universe. Once the creature is trapped within, there will be no escape. [[All right, let's figure out where this bloodsucker went.|wherewhent]] [[This sounds like a terrible idea. We should kill the monster and be done with it!|kilanbedone]]

$alien takes Thrakk back to the village while you and the Tozark's search for signs of the vampire. It isn't long before your keen barbarian eyes spot a trail leading off through the desert. You call out to the Tozarks and follow the path of destruction. [[Continue|pathofdes]]

You follow the trail for miles. The vampire seems to have slashed apart everything in its path: sand, rocks, flora, and fauna. You pass one lonely hut that had been torn to shreds. [[Search the hut for survivors|investigatehut]] [[Continue following the trail|folwijf]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]]

You enter the hut. The walls and floor look like they've been slashed apart by an army of swordsmen. You find two Fuzonian carcasses, mutilated and drained of their blood. A soft blue light blinks on a metal device near the ceiling. [[Investigate the device|lighvest]] [[Leave and continue following the trail|leaveandfollow]]

You leave the ruined hut behind, following the zig-zagging trail of slash marks across the desert. The trail of destruction leads you to a vast canyon. [[It's a dead end...|deadend]] [[Can the vampire fly?|vampirefly]] [[Keep looking around. There must be some sign of where it went.|mustbesign]]

Lyra: A hologram recorder! It may hold a recording of whatever it was that killed these people. [[Continue|recodn]]

Lyra takes the recorder and places it on the table. She presses a series of buttons and suddenly a small holographic image of the room you're standing in appears. Two Fuzonians, a man and a woman, are shouting at each other. [[Continue|playback]]

Fuzonian Man: ...just a temporary position! If anything better comes along we can move, but they're paying us 37 goobers! Where else can we make that kind of money? [[Continue|playback2]]

Fuzonian Woman: I just don't understand why you'd want to waste your life out here for money! You want to be an artist! Do you honestly think you'll be happy doing this work? [[Continue|playback3]]

Fuzonian Man: This isn't about happiness, it's about our future! It's about survival. What the-? Did you hear that? [[Continue|dor]]

Suddenly the door smashes in and a large slimy creature enters the room. It has long gangly arms and legs, but the arms seem to be made of hooked swords. The creature's fangs are longer than your fingers. You watch with horror as the creature springs on the table and slashes the Fuzonians to shreds before draining them of their blood. The vampire leaves as quickly as it arrived and the hologram fizzles out. [[Swords for arms?|thinsur]] [[Is that the thing you're hunting?|thinsur]]

Mara: Yes. "Fangs like daggers and arms like swords. The bloodsucker has been bred to kill." Encyclopedia of Interdimensional Beings and Voidwalkers, Chapter 32 Section 7. It fits the description perfectly. [[Do you have any other information on the beast?|otherinfo]] [[Let's see if there's anything else useful in this hut.|ufefulhut]] [[No use standing around talking. Let's go find it.|lezgo]]

Lyra: The books and holo-vids say very little about the bloodsuckers... most likely because no one who has encountered one has ever survived. What we know comes from our study of the victims. This security footage may be the first time anyone has ever witnessed a bloodsucker attack and lived to tell about it. Fascinating... [[Let's see if there's anything else useful in this hut.|ufefulhut]] [[Enough science. Let's find this thing.|lezgo]] [[Oh yes... watching blue aliens get ripped to shreds is the height of entertainment...|lezgo]]

Starwisp: Not quite. Look here! [[Continue|dddddown]]

Starwisp: No. But look! [[Continue|dddddown]]

You search for signs of the vampire’s passage near the edge of the cliff. Your investigation leads you right to the drop-off, where you notice a portion of the cliff has crumbled away. Upon further inspection, you spot a platform jutting out from the rock face far below, leading to a cave. It looks like the vampire climbed down this cliff and made its way into that cave. [[Continue|intothecave]]

At that moment $alien appears in a swirl of energy, clutching the mysterious crystal. [[Is Thrakk okay?|thrakok]] [[What is that crystal you’re holding?|crystalhold]] [[The vampire went down into that cave in the canyon. We need to find a way down there.|waydonwnsouth]]

$alien: I took Thrakk to the medical center on Duskana. He will be fine there. They are serving chocolate ice cream to all their patients today. I am almost envious that it was Thrakk and not me who was wounded in the attack... I could certainly go for a bowl of ice cream right now. [[What is that crystal you’re holding?|crystalhold]] [[The vampire went down into that cave in the canyon. We need to find a way down there.|waydonwnsouth]]

$alien: This is an Astafari Stone. It works a bit like teleportation. The stone breaks your body down into tiny molecules and whisks you away to your desired destination, where your molecules re-form and- [[Your words make my head hurt. I will listen to tales of your witchcraft later.|headhurt]] [[Forget I asked! Is Thrakk okay?|thrakok]] [[Yeah, yeah, I got it. Listen, the vampire went down into that cave in the canyon. We need to find a way down there.|waydonwnsouth]]

To your surprise, the Tozarks leap off the cliff together. You run to the edge to see if they’ll splatter on the ground far below, but the capes they’re wearing seem to act as wings. They glide gracefully down to the platform and enter the cave without waiting for you. [[Continue|culmannd]]

$alien: I keep forgetting that barbarians have brains the size of peanuts. No offense, Zarkaja. [[Is Thrakk okay?|thrakok]] [[The vampire went down into that cave in the canyon. We need to find a way down there.|waydonwnsouth]]

Before you can protest, $alien grabs your wrist and teleports you down to the platform using the magic crystal. At least you don’t throw up this time. [[Continue|intacava]]

You peer into the darkness of the cave. A soft red glow catches your eye- the glow of the red sword. You head into the cave and follow the receding light. $alien creeps behind you. As you venture farther into the cave, you find yourselves stepping on brittle bones, which turn to dust beneath your heels. [[Continue|zalbtakl]]

$alien: This must be where the creature makes its lair. It seems not to concern itself with what food it consumes. We’ve passed the skeletal remains of a dozen species native to Fuzonia and two creatures from our nearby moons. And what’s this tiny little skull? This critter is unknown to me. Fascinating! [[Quiet! The sword has vanished.|swordvan]] [[Are we hunting vampires or dissecting owl pellets?|owlpel]]

You find yourselves left in total darkness. $alien pulls out a silver cube, which begins to float in the air and glow, illuminating the walls of the cave. You can see a wide pit blocking the path up ahead. [[Where do you get all these weird gizmos from?|gizmos]] [[Do you think they went down there?|downetdown]] [[I think I can make the jump across this pit.|makethejump]]

$alien: Ow-pellits? Are those creatures from your homeworld? I would simply love to study them if given the chance! [[You can study the vizier’s cracked skull when I return home and bash his brains out.|crackedsulk]] [[Quiet! The sword has vanished.|swordvan]]

$alien: Death is truly fascinating. But look! The glowing red sword has vanished! [[Continue|swordvan]]

$alien: Thrakk provides me with a multitude of interesting objects to help me with my research. I don’t know what I’d do without him. [[Do you think they went down there?|downetdown]] [[I think I can make the jump across this pit.|makethejump]]

$alien: Doubtful. Look at these markings. It looks like the vampire crosses the pit by scaling these walls. The rocks here have been slashed to ribbons. I am sure the Tozarks pursued it down the tunnel beyond this pit. [[Continue|makethejump]]

The ground starts to shake beneath your feet. Rocks begin tumbling down from the ceiling, cutting off your exit. You need to move now or you’ll be crushed by the cave-in! [[Teleport us across the pit!|telllllleup]] [[Out of my way! I’m jumping across this pit!|jumpinaclks]]

$alien grabs your wrist and you feel that nauseating sensation once more. An instant later you're standing on the far side of the pit. The ceiling on the opposite side of the tunnel has completely collapsed. If you’d waited just a second later to jump... [[Continue|notpuuk]]

You take a running start and hurl yourself across the black gap. The ceiling collapses behind you, completely destroying the ground you were just standing on. [[Continue|jumpin2]]

Your heart sinks as you fly through the air. The leap hasn’t taken you far enough. WHAM! You smash into the ledge on the far side. The wind is driven violently from your lungs. You begin clutching at the dirt, but your fingers can find no purchase. You begin slipping into the darkness! [[Continue|savedbythebell]]

$alien’s hand suddenly wraps around your wrist and yanks you up. You fall flat on your back and begin to take deep, gasping breaths, trying to get some air back into your lungs. The ceiling on the opposite side of the tunnel has completely collapsed. If you’d waited just a second later to jump... [[Continue|hahahahkd]]

$alien: A most impressive display, Zarkaja. I prefer to stick with teleportation myself. [[At least I’m not puking.|notpuuk]] [[Laugh it up, bug-eyes.|notpuuk]]

$alien: Well, it appears that our exit is blocked. I hope there’s another way out of these caves! [[Continue|anotherwayout]]

A warm yellow light begins to glow in the tunnel ahead. $alien puts the light-bearing cube away and the two of you creep forward to investigate. You can hear voices echoing from a large chamber. [[Continue|chamberahead]]

<<if visited("edgeofecave")>>\ You peer into a vast room lit by torches. The room is littered with bones and shredded corpses. The vampire is nowhere to be seen, but you spot two of the hooded figures searching for hidden passageways and hiding places. A cage has been set up in the center of the room, dangling from the ceiling. [[Step into the light and talk to them|talkto]] [[Remain hidden and watch from the shadows|watchfromshadows]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]] <<else>>\ You peer into a vast room lit by torches. The room is littered with bones and shredded corpses. The vampire is nowhere to be seen, but you spot the Tozarks searching for hidden passageways and hiding places. A cage has been set up in the center of the room, dangling from the ceiling. [[Thanks for leaving us behind... we were almost buried alive in that cave-in!|almostbruied]] [[Do you know where the vampire went?|almostbruied]] [[Surely you don’t expect the vampire to stand under this cage and let you trap it, do you?|almostbruied]]<</if>>

A feral snarl cuts your conversation short. You spin towards the entrance and drop into a fighting stance. $alien and the Star-Forged Sisters follow suit. [[Continue|thevamprevealed]]

Glowing red eyes cut through the darkness of the tunnel. A misshapen head slides into the light. The vampire is a gaunt creature with a gray withered face and rows of serrated fangs poking through the skin around its mouth. [[Continue|vampdes]]

The creature’s limbs are extraordinarily long, but corded with powerful muscles. Its feet end in razor sharp talons. Most horrifying of all are the creature’s arms: it had no hands. Instead its limbs end in sickle-like blades, deadly and curving, which it thrusts into the walls and floor to propel itself toward you. You have no doubt the creature also uses those nasty blades to tear into its victims. [[Everyone charge! Hack the vampire to pieces!|hacktisigg]] [[Everyone get back! I’ll lure the creature under the cage- just make sure you cut the rope with your first swing.|firstswing]] <<set $ehp = 20>>\

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|acke]] [[Throw Acid Bomb|acidbombe]] (x$acidbomb) [[Eat Pizza|pizzae]] (x$pizza)

You take a few careful steps backward, not taking your eyes off the vampire. The beast gnashes its teeth at you. You can smell the stink of rotten meat on its breath. You are now standing directly under the cage. The vampire springs forward and Starwisp immediately cuts the rope. [[Continue|ropecut]]

You leap to the side, but just then the vampire lashes out with a taloned arm! The blade pierces your leg and pins you to the ground as the cage comes crashing down, trapping you both inside! [[Continue|ohdear]]

$alien: Oh, dear. [[Damned beast! I’ll rip you apart with my bare hands!|bareheadns]] [[Open the cage! Get me out of here!|getmeout]]

<<if $acidbomb gte 1>>\ You snatch up your fallen axe and swing it at the talon pinning your leg to the ground, but the axe clinks off uselessly. The vampire’s talons are as solid and sharp as your own blade. The vampire snaps at you with its razor sharp teeth. You lean back as far as you can. Just then you feel your satchel rip open and several small fleshy sacs flops to the ground. [[Throw an acid sac into the vampire’s mouth|acidsacmouth]] <<set $acidbomb -= 1>>\ <<else>>\ You snatch up your fallen axe and swing it at the talon pinning your leg to the ground, but the axe clinks off uselessly. The vampire’s talons are as solid and sharp as your own blade. The vampire snaps at you with its razor sharp teeth. You lean back as far as you can, but it’s not enough. The vampire rips you to shreds and feasts on your blood. An unfortunate end... if only you had a spare acid bomb. Hopefully your death isn’t in vain and the Tozarks are able to learn something from this deadly creature. [[YOU ARE DEAD.|youaredead]]<</if>>

Starwisp: If we free you, we also free the vampire. That is a risk I am not willing to take. [[Damn you!|bareheadns]] [[Fine! I’ll deal with this monster myself!|bareheadns]]

Your hand closes around one of the fleshy, poison-filled sacs. With a grunt of effort, you hurl the acid grenade into the vampire’ gnashing mouth. The creature snaps at the unexpected missile, mistaking it for something edible. Its serrated teeth tear the sac apart. [[Continue|vampedead]]

You’ve been killed by a space vampire. Open the sidebar to restart the game or load from a save point. Otherwise, you can end your adventure here in defeat. It’s up to you. Either way, there will be a brand new adventure next month! Wanna be the first to play it? Ultimate Badasses get early access to new games and get their names listed in the credits! [[Join the tribe!|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] If you've been enjoying Crypt Shyfter so far, you can support the series on [[ko-fi|https://ko-fi.com/kungfuspacebarbarian]]

Acid bursts out of the sac, coating the vampire’s mouth and splattering onto your arm. You cry out in pain, but the pain is nothing compared to the satisfaction you feel as you watch the vampire’s teeth and face melt away. [[Continue|dyingvampys]]

The shrieking vampire thrashes against the bars of the cage in throes of agony, but the effort is short-lived. The vampire’s headless body crashes down on you, knocking the wind out of your lungs. You grunt, trying to push the monstrous corpse off your chest, but it’s too heavy. [[Will someone get this damned beast off me!?|getitoff]] [[Open the cage and get me out of here!|getitoff]]

Starwisp and her sisters hurry over to the cage and try to push it over. The cage doesn’t budge. That’s probably a good thing; if the cage had been easy to knock over the vampire would have been free in an instant. [[Continue|badnewsbears]]

A sudden crumbling sound draws your attention deeper into the cavern. The walls seem to be collapsing in dozens of areas. [[Another cave-in?|cavein2]] [[Starwisp? You were just hunting ONE vampire, right?|onevampire]]

$alien: I don’t think so. The rock patterns do not indicate seismic activity... [[Continue|vampiresattack]]

Starwisp: We had reason to believe- [[Continue|vampiresattack]]

Your speculation is cut short by a vicious snarl. Dozens of vampires begin clawing their way out of the crumbling holes in the walls around the cavern. [[Continue|getmeouttahere]]

The vampires attack your companions like a flock of birds descending on a discarded chunk of bread. The Star-Forged Sisters spring forward with war cries and slash at the demons with their glowing swords while $alien tries to fend off the raging vampires with a tiny stone dagger. [[Continue|youclimbout]]

<<if visited("dude")>>\ You manage to remove the talon impaling your leg and slowly slide your body out from underneath the monstrous vampire. Your arm feels like it’s on fire. Stray drops of acid have eaten through skin and muscle, but luckily it missed your bones. Your leg, on the other hand, is pretty mangled. You bite back snarls of pain as you pull yourself to your feet, using the bars of the cage for support. [[Continue|pryopenbars]] <<else>>\ You manage to remove the talon impaling your leg and slowly slide your body out from underneath the monstrous vampire. Your arm feels like it’s on fire. Stray drops of acid have eaten through skin and muscle, but luckily it missed your bones. Your leg, on the other hand, is pretty mangled. You bite back snarls of pain as you pull yourself to your feet, using the bars of the cage for support. [[Continue|pryopenbars]]<</if>>

You grab the dead vampire's skull and smash it into the bars. There is still acid in the dead beast's mouth, and luckily the acid is corrosive enough to eat through the metal. You are free! [[Join the fight!|hacktisi]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]] [[Skip Fight|creased]] <<set $ehp = 20>>\

You begin searching for an exit. One section of the cavern wall has collapsed, revealing a metal hallway behind it. [[Continue|thisiscolloys]]

You dig shallow graves using vampire shin bones as shovels and bury Lyra and Mara. Starwisp says a few tearful words over her sisters before you depart. [[Let's get out of this blasted cavern. My eyes long for the light of those two suns.|letsgetout]] [[I want to explore this cavern.|explorecavern]]

You begin limping around the cavern, searching the nooks and crannies for hidden passageways. You find a few dead loompas in the corner. +3 acid bombs added to inventory. One section of the cavern wall has collapsed, revealing a metal hallway behind it. [[Continue|thisiscolloys]] <<set $acidbomb += 3>>\

$alien: This... this is an Andraxxan mothership! This is the Colossus! [[Isn't that the ship we helped take down?|isntthatshit]] [[Did those vampires come from this ship?|vaprsyh]] [[Let's explore it.|exploreit]]

$alien: Yes. I had forgotten about this ship. These tunnels must have formed as a result of the crash. We haven't ventured anywhere near the crash site since... that day. [[Did those vampires come from this ship?|vaprsyh]] [[Let's explore it.|exploreit]]

Starwisp: It is possible... if the crash was sufficiently massive, it could have caused a rip in space-time, opening a portal through which the vampires were able to cross into this world. We should be cautious. [[Isn't the Colossus the ship we helped take down?|isntthatshit]] [[Let's explore it.|exploreit]]

The three of you enter the ship and begin to explore. A sign overhead provides directions: Control Room, Science Lab, Cafeteria, and Waste Management. [[Explore the Control Room|controlroom]] [[Explore the Science Lab|sciencelab]] [[Explore the Cafeteria|cafe]] [[Explore the Waste Management Facility|wastemanage]]

<<if visited("examindata")>>\ Nothing more to be found here. [[Continue|exploredifarea]] <<else>>\ You proceed down the hallway and enter the control room. This station is filled with dozens of video monitors that were destroyed when the Colossus crashed. You spot a rack of datacrons in the center of the room. Several of the datacrons have spilled out across the floor. [[Explore the room|explorecommand]] [[Examine the datacrons|examindata]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]]<</if>>

<<if visited("carcarsses")>>\ You return to the science lab filled with test tubes. [[Investigate the biggest tube|investtube]] [[Get the hell out of this creepy place|exploredifarea]] <<else>>\ You enter the science lab. A green light flickers on above you. It seems like this room is the only one in the ship that still has any power left. The lab is lined with rows of enormous test tubes. Most of the tubes have shattered as a result of the crash. Green goopy liquid is spilling out of them onto the floor. [[Continue|carcarsses]]<</if>>

<<if visited("searchbodies")>>\ Nothing more to be found here. [[Continue|exploredifarea]] <<else>>\ You lead your companions into the cafeteria. Most of the tables have been destroyed and the floor is strewn with the mangled corpses of dead Andraxxans. [[Search the bodies|searchbodies]] [[Explore the kitchen|explorekitch]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]]<</if>>

<<if visited("exploreroom")>>\ You return to the shimmering portal in the Waste Management facility. [[What do you think lies beyond it?|liesbeyond]] [[We need to destroy this portal.|destroytheportal]] [[Let's walk through it.|walkthruit]] [[We should get out of here.|getoutofhere]] <<else>>\ You walk down the hallway, your fingers tracing along the walls to guide you through the darkness. An overpowering stench reaches your nostrils. Just then your fingertips brush against something slimy and sticky. You pull your hand away, repulsed. You sniff your fingers- blegh, disgusting! [[Continue|alienshit]]<</if>>

It’s alien shit! The walls and floor of this area have been splattered in extraterrestrial poop and alien refuse. Several giant vats filled with alien secretion have been cracked open and their contents are now spilling out all over the room. [[Explore the room|exploreroom]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]]

You enter the shit-covered room. Your feet squelch through globs of alien filth, making wet farting noises as you venture forward. You notice a strange pulsing glow at the far end of the room. It seems to be coming from down a flight of stairs. As you approach, you can feel a deep rumbling vibration. Something massive is humming somewhere within the belly of the ship. [[Continue|downthestairs]]

What do you want to do? [[Explore the Control Room|controlroom]] [[Explore the Science Lab|sciencelab]] [[Explore the Cafeteria|cafe]] [[Explore the Waste Management Facility|wastemanage]]

You walk down the steps and discover a large glowing portal! Strange, demonic images flicker past on the other side. [[Continue|alkk]]

Starwisp: This has to be where the vampires are coming from. The impact from the ship's crash must have been enormous in order to rip open a wormhole in space-time! [[What do you think lies beyond it?|liesbeyond]] [[We need to destroy this portal.|destroytheportal]] [[Let's walk through it.|walkthruit]] [[We should get out of here.|getoutofhere]]

Starwisp: Whatever hellish world they come from... there must be some way we can destroy this portal for good. [[We need to destroy this portal.|destroytheportal]] [[Let's walk through it.|walkthruit]] [[We should get out of here.|getoutofhere]]

$alien: Perhaps we can find something of use in the Science Lab? [[What do you think lies beyond this portal?|liesbeyond]] [[Let's walk through it.|walkthruit]] [[We should get out of here.|getoutofhere]]

You and your companions step through the portal. It feels like walking through a pool of warm water, but when you come out on the other side you are completely dry. Every step you take kicks up a thick cloud of ash and soot, sending you into a coughing fit. [[Continue|ontheotherside]]

What do you want to do? [[Explore the Control Room|controlroom]] [[Explore the Science Lab|sciencelab]] [[Explore the Cafeteria|cafe]]

<<if visited("datapad")>>\ Nothing more to be found here. [[Examine the datacrons|examindata]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]] <<else>>\ Most of the devices in this room seem to have been destroyed in the crash, but you discover a data tablet containing an urgent message beneath one of the control panels. You pick it up and begin to read. [[Continue|datapad]]<</if>>

<<if visited("flickerhs")>>\ All the other datacrons were damaged in the crash. Nothing more to see here. [[Explore the room|explorecommand]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]] <<else>>\ You pick up one of the datacrons and insert it into a nearby holo projector. The device hums to life and a flickering blue image appears before you. [[Continue|flickerhs]]<</if>>

You see what appears to be a science lab filled with rows and rows of giant test tubes. The tubes are filled with murky green liquid. Malformed creatures seem to be floating inside the tubes, suspended in some sort of twisted birthing process. [[Continue|401ks]]

As you watch the holo feed, two Andraxxan technicians enter the room. They are having a heated debate about their financial situations and the fact that their company doesn’t provide them with benefits or 401ks. The holo recording fizzles out a moment later. [[Insert another datacron|insteranother]] [[Explore the rest of the control room|explorecommand]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]]

The science lab appears again, along with the two Andraxxan technicians. They are checking tubes and taking notes. As you watch, the doors on the far side of the room swish open and a tall, metal clad figure enters. A skull and crossbones symbol has been painted on his armor. The technicians immediately snap to attention. The newcomer begins barking orders and the technicians spring into action. They hurry over to one of the larger test tubes and begin unscrewing the latch. [[Continue|unscrewing]]

Goopy green liquid spills out of the tube and the creature within begins to awaken. $alien taps a few buttons and the projector zooms in on the tube. You realize with dawning horror that the creature inside is a Shyfter! These cursed Andraxxans are actually manufacturing Shyfters! Damn them! [[Continue|fizll]]

The holo projector fizzles out as the data recording ends. [[Explore the rest of the control room|explorecommand]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]]

--==!~!URGENT!~!==-- (cont.) ...you must increase production in your facility if we are to have any hope of achieving our goals. Your station has fallen six galac-tads behind schedule, and I don’t want to be the one who has to relay that news to the Atomic Angel. He’ll eat my eyeballs for breakfast if he learns of the embarrassing pace with which this project is proceeding. Please don’t let me down, for my own sake. ~Zark Bork [[Explore the room|explorecommand]] [[Examine the datacrons|examindata]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]]

<<if visited("examinedisk")>>\ Nothing more to be found here. [[Explore the kitchen|explorekitch]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]] <<else>>\ You begin digging through the bodies of the dead Andraxxans. You find 3 slices of pizza! One of the Andraxxans is clutching a handheld data disk. You pick up the disk and examine it. [[Continue|examinedisk]] <<set $pizza += 3>>\ <</if>>

<<if visited("tasteslime")>>\ Nothing more to be found here. [[Search the bodies in the cafeteria|searchbodies]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]] <<else>>\ You head into the kitchen, which is filled with tubes lining the walls. The tubes have all been cracked open. Thick, yellow, mucus-like liquid drips from the broken cylinders. You realize that this goopy filth is what the Andraxxans consume for sustenance. You are repulsed by the thought of putting such viscous slime into your body. It’s like rotten curds and whey mixed with yogurt and diarrhea. [[Taste the goopy slime|tasteslime]] [[Search the bodies in the cafeteria|searchbodies]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]]<</if>>

The disk contains blueprints related to gene splicing. You don't understand most of what you're seeing, but it seems like these Andraxxans were trying to manufacture or create some sort of hybrid creature, though the data appears to be incomplete. [[Explore the kitchen|explorekitch]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]]

You step up to one of the cracked cylinders, wipe a bit of the gruel off with your finger, and stick it in your mouth. You immediately shit yourself. -2 HP. [[Continue|alienlaughs]] <<set $hp -= 2>>\ <<stopallaudio>> <<audio "poop" loop play>>\

<<if $hp lte 0>>\ You are out of hit points... You shit yourself to death! Open the sidebar to restart the game or load from a save point. Otherwise, you can end your adventure here in defeat. It’s up to you. Either way, there will be a brand new adventure next month! Wanna be the first to play it? Ultimate Badasses get early access to new games and get their names listed in the credits! [[Join the tribe!|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] If you've been enjoying Crypt Shyfter so far, you can support the series on [[ko-fi|https://ko-fi.com/kungfuspacebarbarian]] <<else>>\ $alien: That was most foolish, Zarkaja! You could not possibly hope to consume the nutrients of the Andraxxans. They are half machine. I’m surprised this stuff didn't kill you. [[I pooped!|pooped]] [[Ugh... that tasted disgusting and I shit myself. That wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done.|pooped]]<</if>>

Starwisp: We’re wasting time! We didn’t come here to eat Andraxxan gruel and poop our pants! Let’s get the hell out of here. Stupid barbarian... [[Search the bodies in the cafeteria|searchbodies]] [[Explore a different area|exploredifarea]]

You can see the shriveled carcasses of strange creatures dangling from cords and wires inside the tubes. At the far back of the room you notice that one of the tubes is still intact. It looks like the creature inside is alive. [[Investigate the tube|investtube]] [[Get the hell out of this creepy place|exploredifarea]]

You approach the giant test tube. As you draw near, the form within becomes clearer to you. Indescribable horror fills your heart. You recognize the abomination within as none other than your mortal enemy: Skagg, the Star King! [[What the devil?|starkings]] [[Is that Skagg, the Star King?|starkings]] [[Is that dick nose?|starkings]]

$alien: It appears that the Andraxxans are manufacturing Shyfters. How curious. [[We should destroy this thing.|destroyskagg]] [[Let’s open the tube and release it.|releaseit]]

What is your plan to destroy the Shyfter? [[Smash the tube and hack the Shyfter apart with your axe|axeattack]] [[Flip some switches on a nearby control panel and hope those kill it|trolpanel]]

You spot a control panel nearby. You grasp one of the levers and give it a pull. A sudden spark of electricity courses through the tube. The Shyfter's eyes begin to glow with a hellish fire as the spark of electricity brings it to life. You try to throw the switch again, but this facility has gone unused for so long that the machinery is no longer functioning properly. The lever snaps off in your hand. [[Continue|nowyafuckdup]]

The sparking of the electricity intensifies until it is too great a force for the tube to withstand. The glass shatters, spilling goopy green liquid all over the floor and releasing the Shyfter within! [[Continue|blllow]]

The malformed clone of the Star King unleashes an unearthly bellow. Your stomach drops as you realize that the Shyfter’s cry has awakened the dead carcasses! The undead Shyfters rip free of the cords holding them and flop out of their tubes. You are surrounded! [[Enter Combat|for4lives]] [[Skip Fight|gilligantheskippertoo]] <<set $ehp = 30>>\

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ackmlh]] [[Throw Acid Bomb|acidbombmlh]] (x$acidbomb) [[Eat Pizza|pizzamlh]] (x$pizza)

You smack the tube with your electrified axe. The liquid within begins to sizzle. The sparking of the electricity intensifies until it is too great a force for the tube to withstand. The glass shatters, spilling goopy green liquid all over the floor and releasing the Shyfter within! [[Continue|blllow]]

You pull one of the levers on the control panel. A sudden spark of electricity courses through the tube. The Shyfter's eyes begin to glow with a hellish fire as the spark of electricity brings it to life. You try to throw the switch again, but this facility has gone unused for so long that the machinery is no longer functioning properly. The lever snaps off in your hand. [[Continue|nowyafuckdup]]

This world has been completely burned to ash, as if by dragonfire. The light from a dying sun casts the land in a reddish hue. [[What could have caused this kind of destruction?|whtdestruc]] [[Where do you think we are?|whyrouthwera]] [[The vampire hive must be around here somewhere. Let’s keep moving.|vampirehsiere]]

$alien: The fiery breath of a Keltovoxx? I have no idea. I've never seen such widespread destruction before. [[Where do you think we are?|whyrouthwera]] [[The vampire hive must be around here somewhere. Let’s keep moving.|vampirehsiere]]

$alien: This world does not appear to be listed on any of the data records. I wonder... but no. Alternate dimensions have never before been proven. They're simply a theory. Still, it is possible... Thrakk's device lists all known planets in our universe. [[Are you saying we're in some sort of alternate dimension?|altdim]] [[What could have caused this kind of destruction?|whtdestruc]] [[The vampire hive must be around here somewhere. Let’s keep moving.|vampirehsiere]]

Just then you spot a group of tiny mushroom-like creatures running towards you and crying for help. A swarm of vampires is descending upon them. If you don’t act now, the tiny mushroom people will be ripped to shreds! [[Protect the mushroom people from the vampires|protectmushrooms]] [[Hide behind a pile of charred rocks|charredrocks]] <<set $ehp = 15>>\

You charge forward, throwing yourself between the fleeing mushroom people and the swarming vampires. [[Begin Combat|fightscene]] [[Skip Fight|fightskipper]]

You watch as the mushroom people are ripped to shreds. The vampires don’t seem too intelligent, so they don’t notice you behind the rocks. They begin scuttling away. You follow behind at a safe distance. [[Continue|followvamps]]

You peer into the darkness of the cave. A soft red glow catches your eye- the glow of a red sword. You head into the cave and follow the receding light. $alien creeps behind you. As you venture farther into the cave, you find yourselves stepping on brittle bones, which turn to dust beneath your heels. [[Continue|zalbtakl]]

You step into the cavern with your hands held open in a sign of peace. The startled warriors drop into fighting stances, but slowly relax when they see you aren't the monster. The third figure appears from one of the dark passageways and they all remove their hoods. [[You... you're HUMANS!?|yourhumanss]] [[What are you doing here?|doingsdig]] [[What is that monster?|whatisthemonster]]

You watch from the shadows, trying to ascertain the location of the third warrior. It soon becomes apparent when a blade slips beneath your chin. You curse yourself for not detecting the warrior sooner, but you have little time to berate yourself. The warrior pushes you into the light. [[Continue|intothelight]]

Starwisp: What black insults do you throw at me, cur? [[Continue|vvvv2]]

Starwisp: We hunt the bloodsucking abomination. It is an inter-dimensional being not meant to live on this plane of existence. It must be eliminated. As protectors of this quadrant, it is our duty to see that task through to the end. [[Protectors?|protectors3]] [[Where did it come from?|whatsla3]] [[Who are you?|protectors3]]

Starwisp: It is an inter-dimensional being not meant to live on this plane of existence. It must be eliminated. As protectors of this quadrant, it is our duty to see that task through to the end. [[Protectors?|protectors3]] [[Where did it come from?|whatsla3]] [[Who are you?|protectors3]]

$alien: Not human. Tozark. [[Continue|friendh2]]

As you take a moment to examine the three women standing before you, you begin to notice slight differences in their appearance. Their skin is a shade of lightish red. Their faces and arms are covered in strange markings. They could be some form of tattoos. The Tozarks seem to recognize the differences in you as well. [[Continue|diff2]]

Starwisp: Where are your shakaari? [[My what?|mywhat2]] [[I'm the one asking the questions around here!|imasking2]]

Starwisp: The god-markings on your arms and face, where are they? It is blasphemy for a Tozark to hide the shakaari! [[I don't have any. I'm a human.|imahum2]] [[That's not important. What is that thing that's been slaughtering loompas?|whyslaughter2]]

Starwisp: Imbecile! You are interfering with our work! We hunt the bloodsucking abomination. It is an inter-dimensional being not meant to live on this plane of existence. It must be eliminated. As protectors of this quadrant, it is our duty to see that task through to the end. [[Protectors?|protectors3]] [[Is that what slaughtered the loompas?|whatsla3]] [[Who are you?|protectors3]]

Starwisp: Unmarked devil! You must be the ones that brought the bloodsucker here! Slay them all, my sisters! [[Hold on! We're hunting the bloodsucker, too!|kiilll2]] [[If it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get!|fightoyul2]]

Starwisp: We hunt the bloodsucking abomination. It is an inter-dimensional being not meant to live on this plane of existence. It must be eliminated. As protectors of this quadrant, it is our duty to see that task through to the end. [[Protectors?|protectors3]] [[Where did it come from?|whatsla3]] [[Who are you?|protectors3]]

The woman proudly holds her sword aloft. A soft red glow seems to emanate from somewhere deep inside the blade. [[Continue|starforged2]]

Starwisp: We believe a portal to another dimension has been opened somewhere on this planet. We must deal with the bloodsucker and close the portal so that no more can come through to this plane of existence. [[It seems we are of like purpose. We too hunt the beast that slaughtered the loompas.|likepurpose4]] [[Do you have a plan to slay the beast?|plantokill4]]

Starwisp: I can see the truth in your eyes. You are not our enemies. But this beast is beyond your power. You should return home and leave the creature to us. [[Like hell!|illkill4]] [[Are you sure you don't want some help? I am pretty badass.|illkill4]] [[If you're sure you can handle it, I think I'll just go take a nap.|illkill4]]

Starwisp: Not slay. Capture. [[You're kidding, right?|kidding3]] [[Why not destroy the monster and be done with it?|kidding3]]

Starwisp: This sword was forged in the fires of a dying star on the outer rim of the Sharrkana quadrant. We are its keepers, the guardians of the light, sworn to uphold the laws of nature and science in this sector. My name is Starwisp. These are my sisters, Mara and Lyra. Together we make up the Holy Sisterhood of the Star-Forged Sword. [[That's a pretty name.|prettyname4]] [[So you're hunting this vampire because it doesn't belong here?|vampdoesn4]] [[It seems we are of like purpose. We too hunt the beast that slaughtered the loompas.|likepurpose4]]

Starwisp: We believe a portal to another dimension has been opened somewhere on this planet. We must deal with the bloodsucker and close the portal so that no more can come through to this plane of existence. [[It seems we are of like purpose. We too hunt the beast that slaughtered the loompas.|likepurpose4]] [[Do you have a plan to slay the beast?|plantokill4]]

Starwisp: That is correct. We believe a portal to another dimension has been opened somewhere on this planet. We must deal with the bloodsucker and close the portal so that no more can come through to this plane of existence. [[It seems we are of like purpose. We too hunt the beast that slaughtered the loompas.|likepurpose4]] [[Do you have a plan to slay the beast?|plantokill4]]

A feral snarl cuts your conversation short. You spin towards the entrance and drop into a fighting stance. $alien and the Star-Forged Sisters follow suit. [[Continue|thevamprevealed]]

Starwisp points up at the cage dangling from the ceiling. [[Continue|cagestel]]

Starwisp: The bars of the cage are reinforced with star-steel. It is the most durable metal in the universe. Once the creature is trapped within, there will be no escape. [[All right, let's figure out where this bloodsucker went.|wherewhent2]] [[This sounds like a terrible idea. We should kill the monster and be done with it!|wherewhent2]]

A feral snarl cuts your conversation short. You spin towards the entrance and drop into a fighting stance. $alien and the Star-Forged Sisters follow suit. [[Continue|thevamprevealed]]

The woman scans your face, searching for answers. She lowers her sword and motions for her sisters to do the same. [[Continue|dothesmen]]

$alien: Please be civil! We aren't here to fight you! Our purposes align. We, too, seek to destroy the bloodsucker. [[Continue|vulmajaj]]

Starwisp: The bloodsucker is an inter-dimensional being not meant to live on this plane of existence. It must be eliminated. As protectors of this quadrant, it is our duty to see that task through to the end. [[Protectors?|protectors3]] [[Where did it come from?|whatsla3]] [[Who are you?|protectors3]]

The woman scans your faces, searching for answers. She lowers her sword and motions for her sisters to do the same. [[Continue|dothesmen]]

The woman scans your faces, searching for answers. She lowers her sword and motions for her sisters to do the same. [[Continue|dothesmenh]]

Starwisp: The bloodsucker is an inter-dimensional being not meant to live on this plane of existence. It must be eliminated. As protectors of this quadrant, it is our duty to see that task through to the end. [[Protectors?|protectors]] [[Where did it come from?|whatsla]] [[Who are you?|protectors]]

The warriors keep their blades pointed at you, but they pull back their hoods to reveal their faces. [[You... you're HUMANS!?|yourhumanss]] [[What are you doing here?|doingsdig]] [[What is that monster?|whatisthemonster]]

Starwisp points at a spot over the edge of the cliff. Looking down, you spot a platform jutting out from the rock face far below, leading to a cave. It looks like the vampire climbed down this cliff and made its way into that cave. [[Continue|intothecave]]

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ack]] [[Throw Acid Bomb|acidbomb]] (x$acidbomb) [[Eat Pizza|pizza]] (x$pizza)

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the swordsman in the face!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the swordsman!","You give the swordsman a wet willy!","You give the swordsman a dead-leg!","You spit on the swordsman's shoes!","You tackle the swordsman!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on the swordsman's toes!","You chokeslam the swordsman!","You smack the swordsman with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the swordsman!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast the swordsman with a deadly chi attack!","You poke the swordsman in the eye!","You give the swordsman a wedgie!","You give the swordsman a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the swordsman in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a desert??","You pants the swordsman!","You hang the swordsman on a flagpole by his underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the swordsman in a garbage can!","You give the swordsman a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on the swordsman’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon the swordsman!","You tie the swordsman’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|holdground]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the swordsman in the face!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the swordsman!","You give the swordsman a wet willy!","You give the swordsman a dead-leg!","You spit on the swordsman's shoes!","You tackle the swordsman!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on the swordsman's toes!","You chokeslam the swordsman!","You smack the swordsman with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the swordsman!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast the swordsman with a deadly chi attack!","You poke the swordsman in the eye!","You give the swordsman a wedgie!","You give the swordsman a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the swordsman in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a desert??","You pants the swordsman!","You hang the swordsman on a flagpole by his underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the swordsman in a garbage can!","You give the swordsman a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on the swordsman’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon the swordsman!","You tie the swordsman’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurn]] <</if>>\

<<if $acidbomb gte 1>>\ <<set $acidbomb -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an acid bomb! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHP]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any acid bombs! Try something else. [[Continue|MAINCOMBAT1]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 5>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 5 hit points. [[Continue|checkHP]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|MAINCOMBAT1]]<</if>>

<div style="text-align: center;">\ ----- Inventory ----- </div>\ Star Axe Pizza: $pizza Acid Bombs: $acidbomb <<return "Back">>

<<set $atkdmg = random(1,6)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The swordsman stabs you!","The swordsman cuts your leg!","The swordsman starts dancing badly!","The swordsman does an awkward cartwheel!","The swordsman steps on your toes!","The swordsman chokeslams you!","The swordsman smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","The swordsman powerbombs you!","The swordsman pokes you in the eye!","The swordsman gives you a wedgie!","The swordsman gives you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","The swordsman shoves you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a desert??","The swordsman pantses you!","The swordsman hangs you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The swordsman stuffs you in a garbage can!","The swordsman steals your lunch money!","The swordsman beats you up!","The swordsman gives you a noogie!","The swordsman puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and somebody kicks you!","The swordsman moons you!","The swordsman ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The swordsman stabs you!","The swordsman cuts your leg!","The swordsman starts dancing badly!","The swordsman does an awkward cartwheel!","The swordsman steps on your toes!","The swordsman chokeslams you!","The swordsman smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","The swordsman powerbombs you!","The swordsman pokes you in the eye!","The swordsman gives you a wedgie!","The swordsman gives you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","The swordsman shoves you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a desert??","The swordsman pantses you!","The swordsman hangs you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The swordsman stuffs you in a garbage can!","The swordsman steals your lunch money!","The swordsman beats you up!","The swordsman gives you a noogie!","The swordsman puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and somebody kicks you!","The swordsman moons you!","The swordsman ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|MAINCOMBAT1]] <</if>>\

You were killed in combat. Open the sidebar to restart the game or load from a save point. Otherwise, you can end your adventure here in defeat. It’s up to you. Either way, there will be a brand new adventure next month! Wanna be the first to play it? Ultimate Badasses get early access to new games and get their names listed in the credits! [[Join the tribe!|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] If you've been enjoying Crypt Shyfter so far, you can support the series on [[ko-fi|https://ko-fi.com/kungfuspacebarbarian]]

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|holdground]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurn]]<</if>>

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ack2]] [[Throw Acid Bomb|acidbomb2]] (x$acidbomb) [[Eat Pizza|pizza2]] (x$pizza)

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the vampire in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the vampire!","You give the vampire a wet willy!","You give the vampire a dead-leg!","You spit in the vampire's eye!","You grab the vampire's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the vampire!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on the vampire's toes!","You chokeslam the vampire!","You smack the vampire with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the vampire!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast vampire with a deadly chi attack!","You poke the vampire in the eye!","You give the vampire a wedgie!","You give the vampire a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the vampire in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a desert??","You pants the vampire!","You hang the vampire on a flagpole by its underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the vampire in a garbage can!","You give the vampire a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on the vampire’s back and somebody kicks it!","You moon the vampire!","You tie the vampire’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|victory]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the vampire in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the vampire!","You give the vampire a wet willy!","You give the vampire a dead-leg!","You spit in the vampire's eye!","You grab the vampire's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the vampire!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on the vampire's toes!","You chokeslam the vampire!","You smack the vampire with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the vampire!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast vampire with a deadly chi attack!","You poke the vampire in the eye!","You give the vampire a wedgie!","You give the vampire a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the vampire in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a desert??","You pants the vampire!","You hang the vampire on a flagpole by its underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the vampire in a garbage can!","You give the vampire a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on the vampire’s back and somebody kicks it!","You moon the vampire!","You tie the vampire’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurn2]] <</if>>\

<<if $acidbomb gte 1>>\ <<set $acidbomb -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an acid bomb! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHP2]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any acid bombs! Try something else. [[Continue|MAINCOMBAT2]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 5>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Healed 5 hit points. [[Continue|checkHP2]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|MAINCOMBAT2]]<</if>>

Max Attack increased by 2. [[Continue|intocave]] <<set $atk += 2>>\

<<set $atkdmg = random(1,6)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The vampire slashes you with its claws!","The vampire bites your wrist!","The vampire's breath smells like dog shit!","The vampire is uglier than your mom!","The vampire tackles you!","The vampire starts dancing badly!","The vampire does an awkward impression of the Allfather!","The vampire steps on your toes!","The vampire chokeslams you!","The vampire smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","The vampire powerbombs you!","The vampire pokes you in the eye!","The vampire gives you a wedgie!","The vampire gives you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","The vampire shoves you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a desert??","The vampire pantses you!","The vampire hangs you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The vampire stuffs you in a garbage can!","The vampire steals your lunch money!","The vampire beats you up!","The vampire gives you a noogie!","The vampire puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and somebody kicks you!","The vampire moons you!","The vampire ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The vampire slashes you with its claws!","The vampire bites your wrist!","The vampire's breath smells like dog shit!","The vampire is uglier than your mom!","The vampire tackles you!","The vampire starts dancing badly!","The vampire does an awkward impression of the Allfather!","The vampire steps on your toes!","The vampire chokeslams you!","The vampire smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","The vampire powerbombs you!","The vampire pokes you in the eye!","The vampire gives you a wedgie!","The vampire gives you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","The vampire shoves you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a desert??","The vampire pantses you!","The vampire hangs you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The vampire stuffs you in a garbage can!","The vampire steals your lunch money!","The vampire beats you up!","The vampire gives you a noogie!","The vampire puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and somebody kicks you!","The vampire moons you!","The vampire ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|MAINCOMBAT2]] <</if>>\

The vampire scuttles away from your vicious attacks, fleeing into a nearby cave. [[Continue|maxtk]]

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|victory]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurn2]]<</if>>

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ackm]] [[Throw Acid Bomb|acidbombm]] (x$acidbomb) [[Eat Pizza|pizzam]] (x$pizza)

The vampires lead you to a chrome castle built in the side of a mountain. They enter through the main gates, which close behind them. You notice a tunnel entrance nearby. There may be a way in through there. You also see a ledge you could climb, which would allow you to enter through an upper window. [[Enter the tunnel|tunnelenter]] [[Climb in through the window|windowclimb]]

You follow the twisting passageways down into a large open chamber filled with lava. A whole host of vampires stretches before you. They all seem to be centered around an especially large vampire, who you assume must be Vektar. [[Dramatically announce your arrival|arrivalannounce]] [[Charge in and attack|lavafight]] <<set $ehp = 30>>\

You and your companions scale the side of the tower and enter through the window. A horde of slavering, mutant Shyfters await within! [[Begin Combat|combatya]] [[Skip Fight|skipt]] <<set $ehp = 50>>\

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the vampires in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the vampires!","You give the vampires wet willies!","You give the vampires dead-legs!","You spit in a vampire's eye!","You grab a vampire's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the vampires!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a vampire's toes!","You chokeslam the vampires!","You smack the vampires with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the vampires!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast vampires with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a vampire in the eye!","You give one of the vampires a wedgie!","You give one of the vampires a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the vampires in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a cave??","You pants the vampires!","You hang the vampires on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the vampires in a garbage can!","You give the vampires a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a vampire’s back and one of the other vampires kicks it!","You moon the vampires!","You tie one of the vampire’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|endfightt]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the vampires in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the vampires!","You give the vampires wet willies!","You give the vampires dead-legs!","You spit in a vampire's eye!","You grab a vampire's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the vampires!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a vampire's toes!","You chokeslam the vampires!","You smack the vampires with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the vampires!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast vampires with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a vampire in the eye!","You give one of the vampires a wedgie!","You give one of the vampires a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the vampires in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a cave??","You pants the vampires!","You hang the vampires on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the vampires in a garbage can!","You give the vampires a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a vampire’s back and one of the other vampires kicks it!","You moon the vampires!","You tie one of the vampire’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurne]] <</if>>\

<<if $acidbomb gte 1>>\ <<set $acidbomb -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an acid bomb! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHPe]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any acid bombs! Try something else. [[Continue|hacktisi]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 5>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 5 hit points. [[Continue|checkHPe]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|hacktisi]]<</if>>

Max Attack increased by 3! [[Continue|creased]] <<set $atk += 3>>\

<<set $atkdmg = random(3,8)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The vampires slash you with their claws!","A vampire bites your wrist!","The vampires' breath smells like dog shit!","The vampires are uglier than your mom!","The vampires tackle you!","The vampires start dancing badly!","The vampires do an awkward impression of the Allfather! It's a strange routine filled with singing and dancing...","A vampire steps on your toes!","A vampire chokeslams you!","A vampire smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","A vampire powerbombs you!","A vampire pokes you in the eye!","The vampires give you a wedgie!","The vampires give you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","The vampires shove you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or cave??","The vampires pants you!","The vampires hang you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The vampires stuff you in a garbage can!","The vampires steal your lunch money!","The vampires beat you up!","A vampire gives you a noogie!","A vampire puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and somebody kicks you!","The vampires moon you!","The vampires ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The vampires slash you with their claws!","A vampire bites your wrist!","The vampires' breath smells like dog shit!","The vampires are uglier than your mom!","The vampires tackle you!","The vampires start dancing badly!","The vampires do an awkward impression of the Allfather! It's a strange routine filled with singing and dancing...","A vampire steps on your toes!","A vampire chokeslams you!","A vampire smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","A vampire powerbombs you!","A vampire pokes you in the eye!","The vampires give you a wedgie!","The vampires give you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","The vampires shove you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a cave??","The vampires pants you!","The vampires hang you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The vampires stuff you in a garbage can!","The vampires steal your lunch money!","The vampires beat you up!","A vampire gives you a noogie!","A vampire puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and somebody kicks you!","The vampires moon you!","The vampires ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|hacktisi]] <</if>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|endfightt]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurne]]<</if>>

You, $alien, and Starwisp slay the remaining vampires in a wild frenzy. With your task complete, you collapse to the ground. You managed to fight through the pain during the battle, but now that the vampires have been slain and you have a moment to relax the agony intensifies a hundredfold. You tear off a piece of cloth and try to bind your wounds, but your hands are trembling and you keep losing your grip. Starwisp kneels beside you and wipes the tears from her eyes. [[Continue|kendtas]]

Starwisp: Let me do it. [[Continue|takess]]

+5 HP. Starwisp takes the cloth and binds your wounds. You examine your injuries and laugh deeply before realizing the gravity of the situation. [[Let's get out of this blasted cavern. My eyes long for the light of those two suns.|letsgetout]] [[We should lay your sisters to rest.|laysisters]] [[I want to explore this cavern.|explorecavern]] <<set $hp += 5>>\

<<if visited("morsplore")>>\ Nothing more to be found here. [[Ask for more information about the vampire|otherinfo]] [[Leave the hut and search for the vampire|lezgo]] <<else>>\ You find pizza in the fridge! +1 pizza added to inventory. [[Continue|morsplore]] <<set $pizza += 1>>\ <</if>>\

What do you want to do? [[Ask for more information about the vampire|otherinfo]] [[Leave the hut and search for the vampire|lezgo]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]]

At that moment three hooded figures carrying glowing red swords land in the dirt ahead of you. They pay no attention to you as they charge after the fleeing monster, following it into the cave. You and $alien follow them to the dark entrance. [[Continue|edgeofecave]]

You stand with your feet firmly planted, shoulders back and chest out. The swordsman skids to a halt and hisses at you before drawing back his hood. [[Continue|drawhood]]

A sudden crumbling sound draws your attention deeper into the cavern. The walls are collapsing all around. Dozens of vampires skitter out of the walls and surround you. This is about to get interesting... [[Begin Combat|hacktisi]] [[Check Inventory|inventory]] [[Skip Fight|creased]]

The vampires tear into Lyra, slicing her to ribbons. You see Mara hacking through the mass of bodies with her glowing sword, but soon she too is overcome by the swarming devils. Starwisp’s blade flashes like a deadly flame, spilling vampire blood left and right. $alien slays a vampire before teleporting across the room to slay another. The savage monsters can’t seem to get their claws on the blue alien. [[Continue|youwin]]

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the vampires in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the vampires!","You give the vampires wet willies!","You give the vampires dead-legs!","You spit in a vampire's eye!","You grab a vampire's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the vampires!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a vampire's toes!","You chokeslam the vampires!","You smack the vampires with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the vampires!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast vampires with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a vampire in the eye!","You give one of the vampires a wedgie!","You give one of the vampires a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the vampires in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or an ashy alien planet??","You pants the vampires!","You hang the vampires on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the vampires in a garbage can!","You give the vampires a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a vampire’s back and one of the other vampires kicks it!","You moon the vampires!","You tie one of the vampire’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttm]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the vampires in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the vampires!","You give the vampires wet willies!","You give the vampires dead-legs!","You spit in a vampire's eye!","You grab a vampire's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the vampires!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a vampire's toes!","You chokeslam the vampires!","You smack the vampires with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the vampires!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast vampires with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a vampire in the eye!","You give one of the vampires a wedgie!","You give one of the vampires a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the vampires in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or an ashy alien planet??","You pants the vampires!","You hang the vampires on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the vampires in a garbage can!","You give the vampires a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a vampire’s back and one of the other vampires kicks it!","You moon the vampires!","You tie one of the vampire’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurnem]] <</if>>\

<<if $acidbomb gte 1>>\ <<set $acidbomb -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an acid bomb! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHPem]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any acid bombs! Try something else. [[Continue|fightscene]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 5>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 5 hit points. [[Continue|checkHPem]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|fightscene]]<</if>>

You slaughter the vampires. The remaining mushroom people form a circle around you, singing and dancing and praising your names for saving them. [[Continue|mushmaids]]

Max Attack increased by 3! [[Continue|fightskipper]] <<set $atk += 3>>\

<<set $atkdmg = random(1,5)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The vampires slash you with their claws!","A vampire bites your wrist!","The vampires' breath smells like dog shit!","The vampires are uglier than your mom!","The vampires tackle you!","The vampires start dancing badly!","The vampires do an awkward impression of the Allfather! It's a strange routine filled with singing and dancing...","A vampire steps on your toes!","A vampire chokeslams you!","A vampire smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","A vampire powerbombs you!","A vampire pokes you in the eye!","The vampires give you a wedgie!","The vampires give you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","The vampires shove you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or an ashy alien planet??","The vampires pants you!","The vampires hang you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The vampires stuff you in a garbage can!","The vampires steal your lunch money!","The vampires beat you up!","A vampire gives you a noogie!","A vampire puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and somebody kicks you!","The vampires moon you!","The vampires ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The vampires slash you with their claws!","A vampire bites your wrist!","The vampires' breath smells like dog shit!","The vampires are uglier than your mom!","The vampires tackle you!","The vampires start dancing badly!","The vampires do an awkward impression of the Allfather! It's a strange routine filled with singing and dancing...","A vampire steps on your toes!","A vampire chokeslams you!","A vampire smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","A vampire powerbombs you!","A vampire pokes you in the eye!","The vampires give you a wedgie!","The vampires give you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","The vampires shove you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or an ashy alien planet??","The vampires pants you!","The vampires hang you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The vampires stuff you in a garbage can!","The vampires steal your lunch money!","The vampires beat you up!","A vampire gives you a noogie!","A vampire puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and somebody kicks you!","The vampires moon you!","The vampires ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|fightscene]] <</if>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttm]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurnem]]<</if>>

Meep-Mar: Hail, mighty hero! Thou art the savior of the Mush-Mads! We are eternally grateful to thee! Please, take this pizza as a gift! [[Where did those vampires come from?|vampescomefrom]] [[What is a Mush-Mad?|whatsmush]] [[What happened to the land here?|whathanpland]] <<set $pizza += 1>>\

Meep-Mar: The vampires reside in StarSteel Keep! ‘Tis a great spire betwixt the mountains! [[What is a Mush-Mad?|whatsmush]] [[What happened to the land here?|whathanpland]] [[I will seek out StarSteel Keep and destroy the vampires|destroykeep]]

Meep-Mar: We are Mush-Mads! We are a fungal folk. This is our home planet, but we are not free. The vampires of StarSteel Keep rip our flesh and chew on our bones! ‘Tis a woeful existence, to be sure! [[StarSteel Keep?|thekeep]] [[What happened to the land here?|whathanpland]] [[I will seek out StarSteel Keep and destroy the vampires|destroykeep]]

Meep-Mar: The Sun God has forsaken us! He has unleashed his wrath upon the vampires, but we too have been caught in the flames. We have nothing left to live for! Repent! Repent before the end! [[Right...|rightmeep]] [[Where did those vampires come from?|vampescomefrom]] [[What is a Mush-Mad?|whatsmush]]

Meep-Mar: Your heroism truly knows no bounds! Tales will be sung of your legendary deeds, might warrior! With the vampires destroyed we will no longer need to live in fear of being butchered in the night! [[Continue|meepsexplain]]

Meep-Mar: ‘Tis a great spire betwixt the mountains! Nigh impenetrable, it is, and fiercely guarded by vampires! [[I will seek out StarSteel Keep and destroy the vampires.|destroykeep]]

Meep-Mar: Please, mighty hero! Will you not save us from the wicked vampires? [[I will slaughter them all!|slaughteremell]] [[Meh, I don’t really have time to fight vampires.|notimetofight]]

Starwisp: Surely you jest! We cannot allow the bloodsuckers to continue their reign of terror against these creatures. [[You’re right. We must destroy the vampires!|totheend]] [[Ah, yes. I was using a narrative device called “the reluctant hero.” It makes for a more dramatic story. I do not fear the vampires, for I am a hero! I will smite them!|totheend]]

Meep-Mar: But look! The sun begins to set. You should join us in our underground village. The nights are dark and bitterly cold on this planet when the sun has set. We will throw you a feast, and then you can relax in our underground hot springs. What say you? [[We will spend the night in your village.|spendnightvillage]] [[We don't have any time to waste. We must press on. Please tell us how to get to StarSteel Keep.|tellushowh]]

Meep-Mar: The second option is to seek out the wise and powerful Mechanox. He spends his time meditating in the mountains beyond the Ashy Wastes. He can help you get inside StarSteel Keep. [[I will take the tunnels and battle Vektar.|battlevek]] [[I will find Mechanox.|findmecha]]

You set out into the night, following the directions of the Mush-Mads toward the vampire tunnels. Turns out the Mush-Mads actually do know a thing or two about their own planet; the air is well below freezing! You lose 10 HP from your foolishness! [[Continue|checkidiot]] <<set $hp -= 10>>\

You set out into the night, following the directions of the Mush-Mads toward the Ashy Wastes. Turns out the Mush-Mads actually do know a thing or two about their own planet; the air is well below freezing! You lose 10 HP from your foolishness! [[Continue|checkidiotf]] <<set $hp -= 10>>\

You follow the Mush-Mads to their village, where you enjoy an odd meal consisting of oats and some sort of chewy fungus. It isn't the best food you've ever eaten, but it restores some of your vitality. +5 HP. [[Continue|bowchicka]] <<set $hp += 5>>\

Meep-Mar: Unwise, but if that is your decision, then so be it. You are the hero, after all, though it appears intelligence is not one of your strong suits. There are two ways to reach the vampire fortress: the first is through an underground passageway. It leads under the tower, but passing through there will lead you through the lair of Vektar, the vampire king! He can rip an Andraxxan warship to shreds with his claws! [[Continue|option222]]

~ A quick note from your favorite barbarian ~ Ahem... If I may interject for a moment. Ahead lies the obligatory sex scene for all you horny little perverts. You can skip it if that's not your thing. [[Don't you dare try to cockblock me KFSB!|cockblock]] [[Yick. Sex? I'll pass.|passss]]

At that moment Starwisp emerges from the water, completely naked. Your heart skips a beat as you realize you have nowhere to hide. She wipes the water off her face and her eyes flutter open. Her mouth forms a big O as her eyes lock directly onto your cock. Her face turns a darker shade of red as she covers her eyes in embarrassment, apologizing profusely. [[Oh. Starwisp... I didn't realize anyone else was down here.|didntrealize]] [[Mind if I join you?|didntrealize]]

At that moment Zalbraak emerges from the water, completely naked. Your heart skips a beat as you realize you have nowhere to hide. He wipes the water off his face and opens his eyes. His mouth forms a big O as his eyes lock directly onto your naked body. His face turns a darker shade of blue as he covers his eyes in embarrassment, apologizing profusely. [[Oh. Zalbraak... I didn't realize anyone else was down here.|didntrealize2]] [[Mind if I join you?|didntrealize2]]

Try not to rip your dick off from fapping too much. It would be bad publicity if the Crypt Shyfter series were forever linked to a bunch of horny Newgrounders ripping their dicks off due to excessive masturbation. But I've talked too much. Please continue. [[Oh, yeah! I'm totally gunna bang some sexy aliens!|alienbabes]]

You wake early the next morning, eager to begin your journey and kill space vampires. Meep-Mar stands near the entrance to the cave. [[Continue|mepep]]

<<if visited("dude")>>\ After finishing your meal, you make your way down to the hot springs the Mush-Mads told you about. The grotto is filled with steam, and the water looks extremely inviting. You strip off your loincloth and stick your toe in the water. [[Continue|dudebang]] <<else>>\ After finishing your meal, you make your way down to the hot springs the Mush-Mads told you about. The grotto is filled with steam, and the water looks extremely inviting. You strip off your clothes and stick your toe in the water. [[Continue|chickbang]]<</if>>

Starwisp peeks through her fingers and glances at your dick again. You can feel yourself growing hard, and she isn't being subtle about how much she seems to be enjoying the sight. [[Continue|oogle]]

Now that your initial shock has worn off, you take your time ogling Starwisp. She is standing in the water up to her waist. Steam drifts all around her. Beads of water glisten on her red skin and fall from her jet black hair. Her boobs are perfectly shaped, and you're surprised to see she has no nipples. [[Continue|banagala]]

Her tattoos, which she calls "shakaari," trace patterns all over her beautifully formed figure. [[Slowly ease your way into the water|easeway]] [[Do a cannonball|cannonball]]

You slowly enter the hot water, inching closer and closer to Starwisp. Now that you've both seen each other, Starwisp relaxes a bit. The two of you begin swimming around and splashing each other, enjoying your break from killing monsters. As Starwisp floats past you, her smooth leg brushes against your now fully erect cock. [[Continue|bbbang]]

Starwisp shrieks and giggles as you leap into the air and do a giant cannonball, splashing water everywhere. Now that you've both seen each other, Starwisp relaxes a bit. The two of you begin swimming around and splashing each other, enjoying your break from killing monsters. As Starwisp floats past you, her smooth leg brushes against your now fully erect cock. [[Continue|bbbang]]

Starwisp giggles and approaches you slowly. You heart begins to race. You can't see her hands under the water, but you can feel her fingers wrap around your throbbing cock. You gasp at her touch, but she doesn't relent. With a firm grip on your mighty meat pole, she pulls you to the edge of the pool and orders you to sit on the ledge. [[Sit on the ledge|sitonledge]] [[Pick her up and place her on the ledge|placeherledge]]

You sit on the edge of the pool, your dick standing up like the pillar of manhood it is. Starwisp slides between your legs and presses her tits against your chest. She nibbles on your bottom lip before sliding down, planting kisses all the way down your washboard abs until she reaches your rock hard shlong. [[Continue|ooohhyeah]]

You grab Starwisp around the waist and lift her over your head. She giggles and kicks her feet, but you're easily able to place her on the ledge. Hooking your arms under her legs, you pull her close and kiss the soft womanly mound between her legs. The breath catches in her throat as you slide your tongue into her garden of wonders. She begins moving her hips faster and faster as you explore her womanhood with your tongue. [[Continue|thegasp]]

She kisses the tip of your dick and looks up at you with big eyes as if awaiting your approval. You close your eyes and lean back. That's all the invitation she needs. She wraps her soft lips around your swollen man cannon. You moan as she takes you deeper and deeper into her mouth, her head bobbing in rhythm with your hips. [[Continue|sucking]]

You can feel her wet hair tickle your inner thigh. It takes all your willpower not to cum in her mouth right then and there. Starwisp does magic things with her tongue, but before you can finish she pulls away. [[No, don't stop!|dontstop]] [[What a tease.|dontstop]]

You open your eyes and see Vulma standing at the edge of the water, clutching a makeshift towel around her. The shock of seeing you and Starwisp causes her to lose her grip on the towel, which falls to the ground, revealing her perfectly sculpted alien body. You're pleased to see her anatomy isn't all that different from a human. [[Uh... wanna join the fun?|jointhefun]] [[Come on in, Vulma! The water's warm, but things are about to really heat up!|jointhefun]]

Vulma approaches you, stammering something about anatomic incompatibilities, but you shut her up with a kiss. Starwisp takes this as her cue to continue doing what she was doing before Vulma walked in. [[Continue|banscene]]

In a montage of steamy-hot-porn-style-love-making, you bang the sexy blue and red aliens in all sorts of fun ways. Vulma shows you some exotic alien sex positions while Starwisp watches and fingers herself. You are balls deep in Vulma when you feel yourself reaching your climax. [[I'm gunna cum so hard!|climatx]] [[Should I pull out?|climatx]]

Vulma begs you not to pull out, saying she's so close to finishing. She assures you your reproductive juices aren't compatible anyway. A moment later you blow your load. As your cock stiffens inside her, her legs turn to jello and she cries out as she cums the next instant. Starwisp speeds up and finishes herself off while the two of you are still moaning and gyrating. Triple-O! [[Continue|thened]]

You pull out and flop on the ground between Vulma and Starwisp, who spend the rest of the evening giggling and examining your human anatomy. You feel super relaxed and ready for anything that you might encounter tomorrow. +10 HP! [[Continue|thenextday]] <<set $hp += 10>>\

You wake early the next morning, eager to begin your journey and kill space vampires. Meep-Mar stands near the entrance to the cave. [[Continue|mepep]]

Meep-Mar: There are two ways to reach the vampire fortress: the first is through an underground passageway. It leads under the tower, but passing through there will lead you through the lair of Vektar, the vampire king! He can rip an Andraxxan warship to shreds with his claws! [[Continue|option222e]]

Meep-Mar: The second option is to seek out the wise and powerful Mechanox. He spends his time meditating in the mountains beyond the Ashy Wastes. He can help you get inside StarSteel Keep. [[Tell me more about Vektar.|learnvekt]] [[Tell me more about Mechanox.|mechanoxxx]] [[I will take the tunnels and battle Vektar.|battlevek4]] [[I will find Mechanox.|findmecha4]]

Meep-Mar: Vektar is a ruthless vampire. He sires all the vampire spawn that have overrun our planet, but he is not the master of the tower. We know not who resides at the pinnacle of StarSteel Keep- we know only that the tower's master does not allow Vektar to share that high perch. [[Tell me more about Mechanox.|mechanoxxx]] [[I will take the tunnels and battle Vektar.|battlevek4]] [[I will find Mechanox.|findmecha4]]

Meep-Mar: Mechanox is an ancient master. Some say that he created this planet himself! He is a reclusive individual, preferring to spend most of his time in meditation far from civilization. He knows all the lore of our dying world. [[Tell me more about Vektar.|learnvekt]] [[I will take the tunnels and battle Vektar.|battlevek4]] [[I will find Mechanox.|findmecha4]]

Meep-Mar: We wish you all the luck in the universe, mighty heroes. Down with the vampires! Down with Vektar! [[Continue|journeystart]]

Meep-Mar: We wish you all the luck in the universe, mighty heroes. Please send Mechanox our warmest regards. Down with the vampires! Down with Vektar! [[Continue|journeystartf]]

You feel Starwisp drawing close to climax, but at that moment you hear a gasp- and it isn't Starwisp's. [[Continue|dontstop]]

<<if visited("alkk")>>\ You beat the shit out of a bunch of Shyfters and sprint out of the Science Lab, but there are still dozens of mutated freaks chasing you! You sprint down a series of hallways and find yourself back in the Waste Management Facility. You skid to a halt in front of the portal. [[We need to jump through! It's our only hope of escape!|exape]] [[No more running! We must stand and fight!|standandfight]] <<else>>\ You beat the shit out of a bunch of Shyfters and sprint out of the Science Lab, but there are still dozens of mutated freaks chasing you! You sprint down a series of hallways and find yourself in the Waste Management Facility. You skid to a halt in front of a giant glowing portal. [[Continue|kendrline]]<</if>>\

You leap through the portal just as the Shyfters arrive! You and your companions fall to the ground, which is covered in a thick layer of ash. Looking behind you, you see the portal shimmer and vanish! There will be no going back that way... [[Continue|ontheothersidef]]

$alien: We are weak from fighting! I strongly advise we take our chances and leap through this portal! [[You're right, let's get the fuck out of here!|exape]] [[I make the choices, and I say we fight!|fightingshyfter]]

Starwisp: This has to be where the vampires are coming from. The impact from the ship's crash must have been enormous in order to rip open a wormhole in space-time! [[What do you think lies beyond it?|liesbeyondg]] [[We need to jump through! It's our only hope of escape!|exape]] [[No more running! We must stand and fight!|standandfight]]

Starwisp: No time to speculate! Those Shyfters will be here any second! [[We need to jump through! It's our only hope of escape!|exape]] [[No more running! We must stand and fight!|standandfight]]

You stand your ground. The Shyfters enter the room. This will be your last stand. [[Enter Combat|maincombatf]] <<set $ehp = 35>>\

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ackml]] [[Throw Acid Bomb|acidbombml]] (x$acidbomb) [[Eat Pizza|pizzaml]] (x$pizza)

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the Shyfters in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Shyfters!","You give the Shyfters wet willies!","You give the Shyfters dead-legs!","You spit in a Shyfter's eye!","You grab a Shyfter's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the Shyfters!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Shyfter's toes!","You chokeslam the Shyfters!","You smack the Shyfters with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the Shyfters!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Shyfters with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Shyfter in the eye!","You give one of the Shyfters a wedgie!","You give one of the Shyfters a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from?? Oh yeah, you're in the Waste Management Facility...","You shove the Shyfters in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a starship??","You pants the Shyfters!","You hang the Shyfters on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the Shyfters in a garbage can!","You give one of the Shyfters a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Shyfter’s back and one of the other Shyfters kicks it!","You moon the Shyfters!","You tie one of the Shyfter’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttml]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the Shyfters in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Shyfters!","You give the Shyfters wet willies!","You give the Shyfters dead-legs!","You spit in a Shyfter's eye!","You grab a Shyfter's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the Shyfters!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Shyfter's toes!","You chokeslam the Shyfters!","You smack the Shyfters with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the Shyfters!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Shyfters with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Shyfter in the eye!","You give one of the Shyfters a wedgie!","You give one of the Shyfters a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from?? Oh yeah, you're in the Waste Management Facility...","You shove the Shyfters in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a starship??","You pants the Shyfters!","You hang the Shyfters on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the Shyfters in a garbage can!","You give one of the Shyfters a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Shyfter’s back and one of the other Shyfters kicks it!","You moon the Shyfters!","You tie one of the Shyfter’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurneml]] <</if>>\

<<if $acidbomb gte 1>>\ <<set $acidbomb -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an acid bomb! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHPeml]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any acid bombs! Try something else. [[Continue|maincombatf]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 5>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 5 hit points. [[Continue|checkHPeml]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|maincombatf]]<</if>>

You destroy the remaining Shyfters and use their parts to create a bomb. Together with $alien and Starwisp, you set the bomb to explode in just a few minutes. $alien teleports you away using the Astafari Stone, and you watch from a distance as the entire cave complex explodes into nothingness. [[Continue|thenend]]

<<set $atkdmg = random(4,11)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The Shyfters shoot you with laser beams!","A Shyfter bites your wrist!","The Shyfters' breath smells like dog shit!","The Shyfters are uglier than your mom!","The Shyfters tackle you!","The Shyfters starts dancing badly!","The Shyfters do an awkward impression of the Allfather! It's a strange routine filled with singing and dancing...","A Shyfter steps on your toes!","A Shyfter chokeslams you!","A Shyfter smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","A Shyfter powerbombs you!","A Shyfter pokes you in the eye!","The Shyfters give you a wedgie!","The Shyfters give you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from?? Oh yeah, you're in the Waste Management Facility...","The Shyfters shove you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a space ship??","The Shyfters pants you!","The Shyfters hang you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The Shyfters stuff you in a garbage can!","The Shyfters steal your lunch money!","The Shyfters beat you up!","A Shyfter gives you a noogie!","A Shyfter puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and one of the other Shyfters kicks you!","The Shyfters moon you!","The Shyfters ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The Shyfters shoot you with laser beams!","A Shyfter bites your wrist!","The Shyfters' breath smells like dog shit!","The Shyfters are uglier than your mom!","The Shyfters tackle you!","The Shyfters starts dancing badly!","The Shyfters do an awkward impression of the Allfather! It's a strange routine filled with singing and dancing...","A Shyfter steps on your toes!","A Shyfter chokeslams you!","A Shyfter smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","A Shyfter powerbombs you!","A Shyfter pokes you in the eye!","The Shyfters give you a wedgie!","The Shyfters give you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from?? Oh yeah, you're in the Waste Management Facility...","The Shyfters shove you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a space ship??","The Shyfters pants you!","The Shyfters hang you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The Shyfters stuff you in a garbage can!","The Shyfters steal your lunch money!","The Shyfters beat you up!","A Shyfter gives you a noogie!","A Shyfter puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and one of the other Shyfters kicks you!","The Shyfters moon you!","The Shyfters ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|maincombatf]] <</if>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttml]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurneml]]<</if>>

With the Colossus and the portal destroyed, Fuzonia is safe once more. Starwisp thanks you for your help and departs, searching for more wrongs to be righted. Perhaps you will meet again someday? If so... that is a tale for another time. [[Congratulations, you win!|youwinnthisn]]

You have reached one of the endings to this game! If this is your first playthrough, you definitely missed the steamy sex scene, so you may wanna restart and go find it. Otherwise, you can be content with the fact that you killed tons of Shyfters and saved Fuzonia! Congratulations! There will be a brand new Crypt Shyfter adventure next month. Wanna be the first to play it? Ultimate Badasses get early access to new games and get their names listed in the credits! [[Join the tribe!|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] If you've been enjoying Crypt Shyfter so far, you can support the series on [[ko-fi|https://ko-fi.com/kungfuspacebarbarian]]

This world has been completely burned to ash, as if by dragonfire. The light from a dying sun casts the land in a reddish hue. [[Looks like we need to find another way back to Fuzonia.|anoufwy]] [[What could have caused this kind of destruction?|whtdestruc]] [[Where do you think we are?|whyrouthwera]] [[The vampire hive must be around here somewhere. Let’s keep moving.|vampirehsiere]]

Starwisp: We aren't safe yet. Remember, this is the world where the vampires are coming from. [[Everything is burned... Do you think the vampires destroyed this planet?|whtdestruc]] [[Where do you think we are?|whyrouthwera]] [[The vampire hive must be around here somewhere. Let’s keep moving.|vampirehsiere]]

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the Shyfters in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Shyfters!","You give the Shyfters wet willies!","You give the Shyfters dead-legs!","You spit in a Shyfter's eye!","You grab a Shyfter's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the Shyfters!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Shyfter's toes!","You chokeslam the Shyfters!","You smack the Shyfters with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the Shyfters!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Shyfters with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Shyfter in the eye!","You give one of the Shyfters a wedgie!","You give one of the Shyfters a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from?? Oh yeah, you're in the Waste Management Facility...","You shove the Shyfters in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a starship??","You pants the Shyfters!","You hang the Shyfters on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the Shyfters in a garbage can!","You give one of the Shyfters a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Shyfter’s back and one of the other Shyfters kicks it!","You moon the Shyfters!","You tie one of the Shyfter’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttmlh]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the Shyfters in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Shyfters!","You give the Shyfters wet willies!","You give the Shyfters dead-legs!","You spit in a Shyfter's eye!","You grab a Shyfter's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the Shyfters!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Shyfter's toes!","You chokeslam the Shyfters!","You smack the Shyfters with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the Shyfters!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Shyfters with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Shyfter in the eye!","You give one of the Shyfters a wedgie!","You give one of the Shyfters a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from?? Oh yeah, you're in the Waste Management Facility...","You shove the Shyfters in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a starship??","You pants the Shyfters!","You hang the Shyfters on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the Shyfters in a garbage can!","You give one of the Shyfters a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Shyfter’s back and one of the other Shyfters kicks it!","You moon the Shyfters!","You tie one of the Shyfter’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurnemlh]] <</if>>\

<<if $acidbomb gte 1>>\ <<set $acidbomb -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an acid bomb! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHPeh]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any acid bombs! Try something else. [[Continue|for4lives]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 5>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 5 hit points. [[Continue|checkHPeh]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|for4lives]]<</if>>

Max Attack increased by 5! [[Continue|gilligantheskippertoo]] <<set $atk += 5>>\

<<set $atkdmg = random(2,7)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The Shyfters shoot you with laser beams!","A Shyfter bites your wrist!","The Shyfters' breath smells like dog shit!","The Shyfters are uglier than your mom!","The Shyfters tackle you!","The Shyfters starts dancing badly!","The Shyfters do an awkward impression of the Allfather! It's a strange routine filled with singing and dancing...","A Shyfter steps on your toes!","A Shyfter chokeslams you!","A Shyfter smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","A Shyfter powerbombs you!","A Shyfter pokes you in the eye!","The Shyfters give you a wedgie!","The Shyfters give you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from?? Oh yeah, you're in the Waste Management Facility...","The Shyfters shove you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a space ship??","The Shyfters pants you!","The Shyfters hang you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The Shyfters stuff you in a garbage can!","The Shyfters steal your lunch money!","The Shyfters beat you up!","A Shyfter gives you a noogie!","A Shyfter puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and one of the other Shyfters kicks you!","The Shyfters moon you!","The Shyfters ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The Shyfters shoot you with laser beams!","A Shyfter bites your wrist!","The Shyfters' breath smells like dog shit!","The Shyfters are uglier than your mom!","The Shyfters tackle you!","The Shyfters starts dancing badly!","The Shyfters do an awkward impression of the Allfather! It's a strange routine filled with singing and dancing...","A Shyfter steps on your toes!","A Shyfter chokeslams you!","A Shyfter smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","A Shyfter powerbombs you!","A Shyfter pokes you in the eye!","The Shyfters give you a wedgie!","The Shyfters give you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from?? Oh yeah, you're in the Waste Management Facility...","The Shyfters shove you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a space ship??","The Shyfters pants you!","The Shyfters hang you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The Shyfters stuff you in a garbage can!","The Shyfters steal your lunch money!","The Shyfters beat you up!","A Shyfter gives you a noogie!","A Shyfter puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and one of the other Shyfters kicks you!","The Shyfters moon you!","The Shyfters ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|for4lives]] <</if>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttmlh]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurnemlh]]<</if>>

Zalbraak peeks through his fingers and glances at you again. You're no scientist, but judging by the state of Zalbraak's stiffening blue cock you're pretty sure he's enjoying the view. [[Continue|ooglee]]

Now that your initial shock has worn off, you take your time ogling him. He is standing in the water up to his waist. His cock is now standing straight up out of the water. You've seen bigger barbarian shlongs before, but you're pretty sure you could still have some fun with Zalbraak. [[Slowly ease your way into the water|easeways]] [[Do a cannonball|cannonballs]]

You slowly enter the hot water, inching closer and closer to Zalbraak. Now that you've both seen each other, Zalbraak relaxes a bit. The two of you begin swimming around and splashing each other, enjoying your break from killing monsters. As you float past Zalbraak, your smooth leg brushes against his fully erect cock. [[Continue|bbbangh]]

Zalbraak laughs as you leap into the air and do a giant cannonball, splashing water everywhere. Now that you've both seen each other, Zalbraak relaxes a bit. The two of you begin swimming around and splashing each other, enjoying your break from killing monsters. As you float past Zalbraak, your smooth leg brushes against his fully erect cock. [[Continue|bbbangh]]

You giggle as you slowly approach Zalbraak. You heart begins to race. You can't see his dick under the water, but you can feel his hardness as you wrap your fingers around it. He gasps at your touch, but he doesn't pull away. With a firm grip on his mighty meat pole, you pull him to the edge of the pool. Suddenly Zalbraak grabs your wrist and orders you to sit on the ledge. [[Sit on the ledge|sitonledgef]] [[Shove him onto the ledge instead|placeherledgef]]

Zalbraak grabs you around the waist and lifts you over his head. He is surprisingly strong. You giggle and kick your feet, but Zalbraak is easily able to place you on the ledge. Hooking his arms under your legs, he pulls you close and kisses the soft womanly mound between your legs. The breath catches in your throat as he slides his tongue into your garden of wonders. You begin moving your hips faster and faster as Zalbraak explores your womanhood with his tongue. [[Continue|thegasps]]

Zalbraak sits on the edge of the pool, his blue dick standing up like the pillar of manhood it is. You slide between his legs and press your tits against his chest. You nibble on his bottom lip before sliding down, planting kisses all the way down his chest until you reach his rock hard man-cannon. [[Continue|ooohhyeahs]]

It takes all your willpower not to cum right then and there. Zalbraak does magic things with his tongue, but before you can finish he pulls away. [[No, don't stop!|dontstoph]] [[What a tease.|dontstoph]]

You open your eyes and see Starwisp standing at the edge of the water, clutching a makeshift towel around her. The shock of seeing you and Zalbraak causes her to lose her grip on the towel, which falls to the ground, revealing her perfectly sculpted alien body. Her anatomy isn't all that different from a human. [[Uh... wanna join the fun?|jointhefun2]] [[Come on in, Starwisp! The water's warm, but things are about to really heat up!|jointhefun2]]

You kiss the tip of his dick and look up at him as if awaiting his approval. He closes his eyes and leans back. That's all the invitation you need. You wrap your soft lips around his swollen cock. He moans as you take him deeper and deeper into your mouth, your head bobbing in rhythm with his hips. [[Continue|suckingf]]

You feel Zalbraak drawing close to climax, but at that moment you hear a gasp- and it isn't Zalbraak's. [[Continue|dontstoph]]

Starwisp slides into the water next to you and begins licking Zalbraak's dick. The two of you have a dick-sucking competition, which you of course win. [[Continue|banscenef]]

In a montage of steamy-hot-porn-style-love-making, you bang the sexy blue and red aliens in all sorts of fun ways. Zalbraak shows you some exotic alien sex positions while Starwisp watches and fingers herself. Zalbraak is balls deep in you when he says he's about to cum. You are so close too! [[Don't pull out! I'm about to cum!|climatdx]] [[Pull out and cum on my tits!|climatxtt]]

Zalbraak pulls out and orders you and Starwisp to kneel before him. You two kneel side-by-side as he cums all over your faces and boobs. The two of you finger each other and finish each other off a few moments later. [[Continue|thened3]]

Zalbraak assures you your reproductive juices aren't compatible anyway. A moment later he blows his load. As his cock stiffens inside you, your legs turn to jello and you cry out as you cum the next instant. Starwisp speeds up and finishes herself off while the two of you are still moaning and gyrating. Triple-O! [[Continue|thened3]]

Zalbraak flops on the ground between you and Starwisp. The three of you spend the rest of the evening giggling and examining each others' alien anatomy. You feel super relaxed and ready for anything that you might encounter tomorrow. +10 HP! [[Continue|thenextday]] <<set $hp += 10>>\

$alien: I'm saying that is one possibility. [[What could have caused this kind of destruction?|whtdestruc]] [[The vampire hive must be around here somewhere. Let’s keep moving.|vampirehsiere]]

One of the Mush-Mads leads you to the tunnel entrance. You and your companions step into the darkness, leaving the Mush-Mad behind. [[Continue|inzetunnell]] <<set $ehp = 30>>\

Your trek through the Ashy Wastes is uneventful, barring one peculiar incident in which a flying jellyfish drifted past you like a deflated balloon. $alien identified the creature as a Skink. Aliens are weird. [[Continue|weirdal]]

What do you want to say? [[Vektar! You smell like a rancid fart!|veksponse]] [[I’m going to rip your guts out and strangle you with them!|veksponse]] [[How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who cares, I’m going to kill all of you.|veksponse]]

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ackmrr]] [[Throw Acid Bomb|acidbombmrr]] (x$acidbomb) [[Eat Pizza|pizzamrr]] (x$pizza)

The vampires are enraged. They swarm and attack! [[Enter Combat|lavafight]] [[Skip Fight|skiptar]]

The vampires are ferocious, but they are no match for you! You rip Vektar’s spine out of his back and wave his head around like a flag before tossing his corpse into the lava. With the vampires defeated, you continue on your way. [[Continue|contcontcontcont]]

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the vampires in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the vampires!","You give the vampires wet willies!","You give the vampires dead-legs!","You spit in a vampire's eye!","You grab a vampire's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the vampires!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a vampire's toes!","You chokeslam the vampires!","You smack the vampires with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the vampires!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast vampires with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a vampire in the eye!","You give one of the vampires a wedgie!","You give one of the vampires a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the vampires in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a cave??","You pants the vampires!","You hang the vampires on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the vampires in a garbage can!","You give the vampires a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a vampire’s back and one of the other vampires kicks it!","You moon the vampires!","You tie one of the vampire’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttmrr]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the vampires in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the vampires!","You give the vampires wet willies!","You give the vampires dead-legs!","You spit in a vampire's eye!","You grab a vampire's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the vampires!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a vampire's toes!","You chokeslam the vampires!","You smack the vampires with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the vampires!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast vampires with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a vampire in the eye!","You give one of the vampires a wedgie!","You give one of the vampires a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the vampires in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a cave??","You pants the vampires!","You hang the vampires on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the vampires in a garbage can!","You give the vampires a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a vampire’s back and one of the other vampires kicks it!","You moon the vampires!","You tie one of the vampire’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurnemrr]] <</if>>\

<<if $acidbomb gte 1>>\ <<set $acidbomb -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an acid bomb! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHPemrr]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any acid bombs! Try something else. [[Continue|lavafight]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 5>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 5 hit points. [[Continue|checkHPemrr]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|lavafight]]<</if>>

Max Attack increased by 3! [[Continue|skiptar]] <<set $atk += 3>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttmrr]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurnemrr]]<</if>>

The passage beyond the vampire chamber leads to a steel doorway. The door has been propped open with a giant bone. You and your companions wedge your way through and enter StarSteel Keep... [[Continue|entertingthekeep]]

You ascend the tower stairs. Upon reaching the top of the Keep, you spot a ship taking off. The symbol of a green alien skull and crossbones is emblazoned on the side. The air shimmers around the ship and with a sudden flash it vanishes. [[That ship... was that the master of the tower?|angelse]] [[We must find a way to destroy this tower.|angelse]]

<<if $hp lte 0>>\ You have run out of HP! You are dead! Open the sidebar to restart the game or load from a save point. Otherwise, you can end your adventure here in defeat. It’s up to you. Either way, there will be a brand new Crypt Shyfter adventure next month. Wanna be the first to play it? Ultimate Badasses get early access to new games and get their names listed in the credits! [[Join the tribe!|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] If you've been enjoying Crypt Shyfter so far, you can support the series on [[ko-fi|https://ko-fi.com/kungfuspacebarbarian]] <<else>>\ You and your companions locate the entrance to the tunnels and step into the darkness. [[Continue|inzetunnell]] <<set $ehp = 30>>\ <</if>>\

You arrive at a ruined temple tucked between two crumbling ridges. You can see a large mechanical triceratops seated in meditation in the center of the ruin. [[Are you Mechanox?|youmecha]] [[I come seeking aid.|seekaid]] [[Wake up, ya useless tin can!|tincan]]

Mechanox: That is the name by which I am currently known. [[I was told you could help me get into StarSteel Keep.|ststkep]] [[Can you tell me about this world?|telboutworld]]

Mechanox: If your goals align with mine, then perhaps I can aid you. Why have you come? [[I was told you could help me get into StarSteel Keep.|ststkep]] [[Can you tell me about this world?|telboutworld]]

Mechanox: You lack respect, barbarian. You are fortunate to have found an excellent teacher. For your sake, I hope you are a quick learner. [[Enter Combat|mechafight]] <<set $ehp = 40>>\

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ackeb]] [[Throw Acid Bomb|acidbombeb]] (x$acidbomb) [[Eat Pizza|pizzaeb]] (x$pizza)

Mechanox: I can. But my methods are a little more direct. If you seek to gain entrance into the chrome fortress, then I will smash through the front gates. Beyond that, I cannot help you. If you prefer to take a more stealthy approach, then I advise you to follow the tunnels beneath the Keep. [[Continue|tlakjd]]

Mechanox: A curious student, eh? Very well. What is it you wish to know? [[What is this world called?|worldcalled]] [[What caused the destruction of this world?|destructions]] [[When did the vampires arrive?|vampirerir]] [[What can you tell me about Vektar?|tlemkvke]]

Mechanox: This world is called Bo. We currently reside in the 32nd dimension. [[32nd dimension?|3d]] [[What caused the destruction of this world?|destructions]] [[When did the vampires arrive?|vampirerir]] [[What can you tell me about Vektar?|tlemkvke]]

Mechanox: Our star is unstable, and will soon die. In its death throes, our star expanded and scorched the planet, turning all to ash. The sun is now nothing more than a flickering flame who's light will soon be forever extinguished. Without the sun's gravitational pull our world will be cast out into space, where we too will die. Such is life. [[What is this world called?|worldcalled]] [[When did the vampires arrive?|vampirerir]] [[What can you tell me about Vektar?|tlemkvke]] [[That's all for now.|alll4]]

Mechanox: The vampires came through another rift. Our world is dying, and many strange occurrences appear on dying worlds. In our case, dozens of rifts in space-time have torn open across the planet. It is through these rifts that the vampires arrived. [[What is this world called?|worldcalled]] [[What caused the destruction of this world?|destructions]] [[What can you tell me about Vektar?|tlemkvke]] [[That's all for now.|alll4]]

Mechanox: Vektar is the vampire king. He claims to have sired all the vampire spawn that now infest our world. But he is not their true leader. Even Vektar bends the knee to the master of StarSteel Keep. [[Who is the master of StarSteel Keep?|masterkap]] [[What is this world called?|worldcalled]] [[What caused the destruction of this world?|destructions]] [[When did the vampires arrive?|vampirerir]]

Mechanox: Yes, we are in the 32nd of an infinite number of dimensions. Imagine parallel timelines all running together along a path. As different choices are made at any point in the path, the timeline splits off into a new dimension. The concept is difficult to grasp. [[So... are there multiple versions of me?|multiplefver]] [[What caused the destruction of this world?|destructions]] [[When did the vampires arrive?|vampirerir]] [[What can you tell me about Vektar?|tlemkvke]]

Mechanox: Of course. Every time you make a choice, one version of you is bound to have made an opposing choice. There are as many versions of you as there are stars in the sky. Some are dead. Some will live forever. [[Continue|theexpoa]]

Mechanox: If you keep dimension-hopping as you've just done, it is likely you will meet yourself at some point or another in one of the various dimensions. Such experiences can be... strange. [[What caused the destruction of this world?|destructions]] [[When did the vampires arrive?|vampirerir]] [[What can you tell me about Vektar?|tlemkvke]] [[That's all for now.|alll4]]

Mechanox: Is there anything else I can assist you with? [[I was told you could help me get into StarSteel Keep.|ststkep]]

Mechanox: A creature who calls himself The Atomic Angel. He is much like me, though where I create worlds of beauty and wonder, he spawns only darkness. I am the creator of Bo and the Mush-Mads. The Atomic Angel created Andraxxus Prime and the Shyfters. [[Why hasn't anyone destroyed him!? Someone who creates Andraxxans and Shyfters has to be evil to the core!|evil2core]] [[What is this world called?|worldcalled]] [[What caused the destruction of this world?|destructions]] [[When did the vampires arrive?|vampirerir]]

Mechanox: Our battles have played out on countless worlds and in countless dimensions. I have killed the Atomic Angel thousands of times, just as he has slain me at an equal pace. Until the dimensions can be merged into one, there will always be an Atomic Angel. There will always be Shyfters. [[Can the dimensions be merged?|mergedim]] [[What is this world called?|worldcalled]] [[What caused the destruction of this world?|destructions]] [[When did the vampires arrive?|vampirerir]]

Mechanox: To that, I have no answer. [[What is this world called?|worldcalled]] [[What caused the destruction of this world?|destructions]] [[When did the vampires arrive?|vampirerir]] [[That's all for now.|alll4]]

Mechanox: That way is guarded by Vektar and his ilk, but they should be little trouble for a hero of your stature. [[Please lead us through the front gates.|frontgate]] [[We will sneak in through the tunnels.|tunlsk]]

Mechanox: Very good. Before we depart, please accept this small gift. [[Continue|lkmadh]]

Mechanox: Very well. But before you go, allow me to impart you with this gift. [[Continue|mechagift]]

Mechanox places one cold hand on your head and the other over your heart. You feel warmth flood through your body. +10 HP! Max Attack increased by 4! [[Continue|leavefortunnel]] <<set $hp += 10>>\ <<set $atk += 4>>\

You leave the temple of Mechanox and locate the entrance to the tunnels. You and your companions step into the darkness. [[Continue|inzetunnell]] <<set $ehp = 30>>\

The mechanical triceratops looks very weak and frail, but he smiles at you and leads you to the entrance of the Keep. You stand back as the mighty metal dinosaur smashes through the Keep's gates. Once inside, the old master is swarmed by an army of mutated Shyfters and destroyed! [[Begin Combat|combatya]] [[Skip Fight|inthettower]] <<set $ehp = 50>>\

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ackmlhx]] [[Throw Acid Bomb|acidbombmlhx]] (x$acidbomb) [[Eat Pizza|pizzamlhx]] (x$pizza)

You destroy the remaining Shyfters and ascend the tower stairs. Upon reaching the top of the Keep, you spot a ship taking off. The symbol of a green alien skull and crossbones is emblazoned on the side. The air shimmers around the ship and with a sudden flash it vanishes. [[That ship... was that The Atomic Angel?|angelse]] [[We must find a way to destroy this tower.|angelse]]

You hear a soft beeping noise. Upon further investigation, you discover a pile of glittering explosives. The countdown timer reads: 0:30 0:29 0:28 [[Shitfuck!|smiley]] [[By Shergblatt's hairy butt crack!|smiley]]

A message has been splashed across the wall in dripping green ink. It reads: "Catch me if you can, barbarian." A crudely drawn skull and crossbones has been scrawled beneath the words. You can see a one-man starship parked nearby, as well as a parachute, which you could use to jump off the edge of the Keep. Unfortunately, one of you won't be able to escape... [[Use one of the devices to escape.|yesyou]] [[Order your companions to escape while you remain behind.|remian]]

What will you use to escape? [[The starship|starfl]] [[The parachute|parat]]

Without much time to lose, you shove $alien into the starship and give Starwisp the parachute. They both give you a kiss on the cheek before departing. $alien warps away in the starship and Starwisp drifts away from the Keep using the parachute, caught up in a gust of wind. You turn to look at the clock. [[Continue|boom]]

The last thing you see in this dimension is a timer clicking down from 0:01 to 0:00... and that fucking green skull and crossbones. [[BOOM!|endofline]]

Congratulations! You have reached the end of Crypt Shyfter: Colossus! Crypt Shyfter will return next month- and it's sure to be an adventure you won't wanna miss! Wanna be the first to play it? Ultimate Badasses get early access to new games and get their names listed in the credits! [[Join the tribe!|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] If you've been enjoying Crypt Shyfter so far, you can support the series on [[ko-fi|https://ko-fi.com/kungfuspacebarbarian]]

<<if visited("dude")>>\ Who will take the parachute? [[Vulma|vulmshut]] [[Starwisp|kendrus]] <<else>>\ [[Zalbraak|zalkshut]] [[Starwisp|kendrus]]<</if>>

<<if visited("dude")>>\ Who will take the starship? [[Vulma|vulmshutf]] [[Starwisp|kendruss]] <<else>>\ [[Zalbraak|vulmshutf]] [[Starwisp|kendruss]]<</if>>

You bid a tearful goodbye to $alien and Starwisp as you hop into the starship. You watch $alien leap off the tower and drift away, caught up in a draft of wind. You can't bear to look back at Starwisp as your ship zooms into the air, catapulted along the way by the force of the explosion. [[Continue|rift]]

You bid a tearful goodbye to $alien and Starwisp as you hop into the starship. You watch Starwisp leap off the tower and drift away, caught up in a draft of wind. You can't bear to look back at $alien as your ship zooms into the air, catapulted along the way by the force of the explosion. [[Continue|rift]]

Your ship's controls jam and suddenly a rift opens before you! Unable to reverse course, you fly straight through the rift and come out... somewhere. Your ship's engine kicks to life once more. The vast, infinite cosmos stretch out before you. You aren't sure where you are or where you're going, but you know that somewhere in your future, you are bound to run into the Atomic Angel and his army of Shyfters. And when you do... you'll be ready to give 'em hell. [[The End!|endofline]]

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(3,9)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick Mechanox in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap Mechanox!","You give Mechanox a wet willy!","You give Mechanox a dead-leg!","You spit in Mechanox's eye!","You grab Mechanox's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle Mechanox!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on Mechanox's toes!","You chokeslam Mechanox!","You smack Mechanox with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb Mechanox!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Mechanox with a deadly chi attack!","You poke Mechanox in the eye!","You give Mechanox a wedgie!","You give Mechanox a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove Mechanox in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a ruined temple??","You pants Mechanox!","You hang Mechanox on a flagpole by his underpants! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff Mechanox in a garbage can!","You give Mechanox a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on Mechanox’s back and someone kicks him!","You moon Mechanox!","You tie Mechanox’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttmrrb]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick Mechanox in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap Mechanox!","You give Mechanox a wet willy!","You give Mechanox a dead-leg!","You spit in Mechanox's eye!","You grab Mechanox's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle Mechanox!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on Mechanox's toes!","You chokeslam Mechanox!","You smack Mechanox with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb Mechanox!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Mechanox with a deadly chi attack!","You poke Mechanox in the eye!","You give Mechanox a wedgie!","You give Mechanox a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove Mechanox in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a ruined temple??","You pants Mechanox!","You hang Mechanox on a flagpole by his underpants! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff Mechanox in a garbage can!","You give Mechanox a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on Mechanox’s back and someone kicks him!","You moon Mechanox!","You tie Mechanox’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurnemrrb]] <</if>>\

<<if $acidbomb gte 1>>\ <<set $acidbomb -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an acid bomb! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHPemrrb]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any acid bombs! Try something else. [[Continue|mechafight]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 5>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 5 hit points. [[Continue|checkHPemrrb]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|mechafight]]<</if>>

Max Attack increased by 3! [[Continue|skiptars]] <<set $atk += 3>>\

<<set $atkdmg = random(1,5)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("Mechanox punches you!","Mechanox is uglier than your mom!","Mechanox tackle you!","Mechanox starts dancing badly!","Mechanox steps on your toes!","Mechanox chokeslams you!","Mechanox smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","Mechanox powerbombs you!","Mechanox pokes you in the eye!","Mechanox gives you a wedgie!","Mechanox gives you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","Mechanox shoves you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a ruined temple??","Mechanox pantses you!","Mechanox hangs you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","Mechanox stuffs you in a garbage can!","Mechanox steals your lunch money!","Mechanox beats you up!","Mechanox gives you a noogie!","Mechanox puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and somebody kicks you!","Mechanox moons you!","Mechanox ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdiegg]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("Mechanox punches you!","Mechanox is uglier than your mom!","Mechanox tackle you!","Mechanox starts dancing badly!","Mechanox steps on your toes!","Mechanox chokeslams you!","Mechanox smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","Mechanox powerbombs you!","Mechanox pokes you in the eye!","Mechanox gives you a wedgie!","Mechanox gives you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","Mechanox shoves you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or a ruined temple??","Mechanox pantses you!","Mechanox hangs you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","Mechanox stuffs you in a garbage can!","Mechanox steals your lunch money!","Mechanox beats you up!","Mechanox gives you a noogie!","Mechanox puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and somebody kicks you!","Mechanox moons you!","Mechanox ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|mechafight]] <</if>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttmrrb]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurnemrrb]]<</if>>

Mechanox gives you a beating you'll never forget. The last thing you see before blacking out is his giant metal ass as he squats down and farts in your mouth. [[Continue|beatup]]

Mechanox holds out a hand, signaling you to stop fighting. A big smile creeps over his face. [[Continue|mechatlk]]

You wake up the next morning with a throbbing headache. You can still taste tangy triceratops farts in your mouth. Mechanox, Starwisp, and $alien stand around you. [[Continue|talking]] <<set $hp += 25>>\

Mechanox: You may lack respect, but you are a very talented fighter. I admire that. Why have you come here? [[I was told you could help me get into StarSteel Keep.|ststkep]] [[I seek information about this world.|telboutworld]]

Mechanox: You took quite a beating. I hope you're willing to be civil now. Why have you come here? [[I was told you could help me get into StarSteel Keep.|ststkep]] [[I seek information about this world.|telboutworld]]

You bid a tearful goodbye to $alien and Starwisp as you grab the parachute and leap off the side of the Keep. There is a massive explosion which sends you tumbling through the air. As you spiral towards the ground, you see a ship zip away and get sucked into a rift. You hope $alien made it out safely. [[Continue|rifts]]

Rifts begin to open up all around you and suddenly one of them sucks you in! You land in the water on a totally new world. Stripping off the parachute, you swim to land, where you flop on the beach. [[Continue|landed]]

You aren't sure where you are or where you're going to go next, but you know that somewhere in your future, you are bound to run into the Atomic Angel and his army of Shyfters. And when you do... you'll be ready to give 'em hell. [[The End!|endofline]]

<<if $hp lte 0>>\ You have run out of HP! You are dead! Open the sidebar to restart the game or load from a save point. Otherwise, you can end your adventure here in defeat. It’s up to you. Either way, there will be a brand new Crypt Shyfter adventure next month. Wanna be the first to play it? Ultimate Badasses get early access to new games and get their names listed in the credits! [[Join the tribe!|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] If you've been enjoying Crypt Shyfter so far, you can support the series on [[ko-fi|https://ko-fi.com/kungfuspacebarbarian]] <<else>>\ You arrive at a ruined temple tucked between two crumbling ridges. You can see a large mechanical triceratops seated in meditation in the center of the ruin. [[Are you Mechanox?|youmecha]] [[I come seeking aid.|seekaid]] [[Wake up, ya useless tin can!|tincan]] <</if>>\

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the Shyfters in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Shyfters!","You give the Shyfters wet willies!","You give the Shyfters dead-legs!","You spit in a Shyfter's eye!","You grab a Shyfter's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the Shyfters!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Shyfter's toes!","You chokeslam the Shyfters!","You smack the Shyfters with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the Shyfters!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Shyfters with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Shyfter in the eye!","You give one of the Shyfters a wedgie!","You give one of the Shyfters a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the Shyfters in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or an alien tower??","You pants the Shyfters!","You hang the Shyfters on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the Shyfters in a garbage can!","You give one of the Shyfters a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Shyfter’s back and one of the other Shyfters kicks it!","You moon the Shyfters!","You tie one of the Shyfter’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttmlhx]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick the Shyfters in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Shyfters!","You give the Shyfters wet willies!","You give the Shyfters dead-legs!","You spit in a Shyfter's eye!","You grab a Shyfter's neck and burp in his throat!","You tackle the Shyfters!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Shyfter's toes!","You chokeslam the Shyfters!","You smack the Shyfters with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","You powerbomb the Shyfters!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Shyfters with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Shyfter in the eye!","You give one of the Shyfters a wedgie!","You give one of the Shyfters a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","You shove the Shyfters in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or an alien tower??","You pants the Shyfters!","You hang the Shyfters on a flagpole by their underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","You stuff the Shyfters in a garbage can!","You give one of the Shyfters a noogie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Shyfter’s back and one of the other Shyfters kicks it!","You moon the Shyfters!","You tie one of the Shyfter’s shoelaces together and it falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurnemlhx]] <</if>>\

<<if $acidbomb gte 1>>\ <<set $acidbomb -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an acid bomb! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHPehx]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any acid bombs! Try something else. [[Continue|combatya]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 5>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 5 hit points. [[Continue|checkHPehx]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|combatya]]<</if>>

<<set $atkdmg = random(4,9)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The Shyfters shoot you with laser beams!","A Shyfter bites your wrist!","The Shyfters' breath smells like dog shit!","The Shyfters are uglier than your mom!","The Shyfters tackle you!","The Shyfters starts dancing badly!","The Shyfters do an awkward impression of the Allfather! It's a strange routine filled with singing and dancing...","A Shyfter steps on your toes!","A Shyfter chokeslams you!","A Shyfter smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","A Shyfter powerbombs you!","A Shyfter pokes you in the eye!","The Shyfters give you a wedgie!","The Shyfters give you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","The Shyfters shove you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or an alien tower??","The Shyfters pants you!","The Shyfters hang you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The Shyfters stuff you in a garbage can!","The Shyfters steal your lunch money!","The Shyfters beat you up!","A Shyfter gives you a noogie!","A Shyfter puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and one of the other Shyfters kicks you!","The Shyfters moon you!","The Shyfters ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The Shyfters shoot you with laser beams!","A Shyfter bites your wrist!","The Shyfters' breath smells like dog shit!","The Shyfters are uglier than your mom!","The Shyfters tackle you!","The Shyfters starts dancing badly!","The Shyfters do an awkward impression of the Allfather! It's a strange routine filled with singing and dancing...","A Shyfter steps on your toes!","A Shyfter chokeslams you!","A Shyfter smacks you with a chair! Where did the chair come from!?","A Shyfter powerbombs you!","A Shyfter pokes you in the eye!","The Shyfters give you a wedgie!","The Shyfters give you a swirly! Where the hell did that toilet come from??","The Shyfters shove you in a locker! Are you fighting in a school or an alien tower??","The Shyfters pants you!","The Shyfters hang you on a flagpole by your underwear! Why are there so many flagpoles in space??","The Shyfters stuff you in a garbage can!","The Shyfters steal your lunch money!","The Shyfters beat you up!","A Shyfter gives you a noogie!","A Shyfter puts a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back and one of the other Shyfters kicks you!","The Shyfters moon you!","The Shyfters ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|combatya]] <</if>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|endfighttmlhx]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurnemlhx]]<</if>>

Music: <<link 'Track 1'>><<stopallaudio>><<audio "track1" loop play>><</link>> <<link 'Track 2'>><<stopallaudio>><<audio "track2" loop play>><</link>> <<link 'Track 3'>><<stopallaudio>><<audio "track3" loop play>><</link>> <<link 'Track 4'>><<stopallaudio>><<audio "track4" loop play>><</link>> <<link 'Track 5'>><<stopallaudio>><<audio "track6" loop play>><</link>> <<link 'Ambience'>><<stopallaudio>><<audio "track5" loop play>><</link>> <<link 'Mute Audio'>><<stopallaudio>><</link>>

<<cacheaudio "track1" "https://raw.githubusercontent.com/kungfuspacebarbarian/dreadnaughts/master/aloid.mp3">>\ <<cacheaudio "track2" "https://raw.githubusercontent.com/kungfuspacebarbarian/dreadnaughts/master/combo.mp3">>\ <<cacheaudio "track3" "https://raw.githubusercontent.com/kungfuspacebarbarian/dreadnaughts/master/finalform.mp3">>\ <<cacheaudio "track4" "https://raw.githubusercontent.com/kungfuspacebarbarian/dreadnaughts/master/oddity.mp3">>\ <<cacheaudio "poop" "https://raw.githubusercontent.com/kungfuspacebarbarian/dreadnaughts/master/773432_Pooping-In-My-Pants-2016.mp3">>\ <<cacheaudio "track5" "https://raw.githubusercontent.com/kungfuspacebarbarian/dreadnaughts/master/soft.mp3">>\ <<cacheaudio "track6" "https://raw.githubusercontent.com/kungfuspacebarbarian/dreadnaughts/master/roadahead.mp3">>\

<div style="text-align: center;">\ I considered doing a version of this game with graphics, but ended up abandoning the idea. Still, I thought it might be fun to share what it looked like, so I'm including a demo which you can play here. It was never completed so there are sections without any images, but you can get an idea of the direction the game would have gone. [[Play Demo|http://philome.la/kungfubarbarian/colossusdemo/play]] [[Music Settings & Credits|settings]] [[Ultimate Badasses|uba]] [[Start Game|storyMode]] </div>\