Crypt Shyfter: Rebellion

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CRYPT SHYFTER: REBELLION

<div style="text-align: center;">\ ----- CRYPT SHYFTER: REBELLION ----- [[Start Game|storyMode]] [[Credits|settings]] [[Ultimate Badasses|uba]] </div> <<set $hp = 25>>\ <<set $atk = 2>>\ <<set $run = 1>>\ <<set $pizza = 1>>\ <<set $det = 1>>\ <<set $inventory= []>>\ <<set $ehp = 20>>\

Before we begin, are you a dude or a chick? [[Dude|dude]] [[Chick|chick]]

<div style="text-align: center;">\ Written by KungFuSpaceBarbarian [[Cover art|https://www.newgrounds.com/art/view/butzbo/colosseum]] by Butzbo [[Start Game|storyMode]] [[Credits|settings]] [[Ultimate Badasses|uba]] </div>\

<div style="text-align: center;">\ ----- Ultimate Badasses ----- HeRoBlowe, Phronemophobia, TheDoubleOne, Trey, jordylll, Lost, nocryer, Jorge Luiz, Axe_Weiding_Dragonborn, Admiral Autistic, kamoplaj, Mortdecai, Cker, Kardor, Benjaskwi, Adrul gra Amgarrak, Marcus, Corypheus, Philburn the cultured, Baladorf, Kosmo, KarimXYZ, Chef Excellence, Jacob Ironstorm [[Page 1|uba]] | [[Page 2|morebad]] [[Start Game|storyMode]] [[Credits|settings]] [[Become an Ultimate Badass|http://newgrounds.us16.list-manage2.com/subscribe?u=01eae0daa47b660252cece3d3&id=f244cd6339]] </div>\

You’ve been tracking a sleek starfighter that belongs to the Atomic Angel for weeks, but the Angel is a sly bastard. You were sure you’d catch him back on Kesslar V, but as soon as your ship’s docking arm attached itself to the metallic planet the Angel warped to another quadrant. So frustrating! [[Continue|thatswhy]]

You check the readouts on your ship’s navi-computer for the hundredth time, confirming what you already know: the Atomic Angel is on Fuzonia. This time, he won’t get away. [[Continue|trapped]]

A sudden explosion rocks your ship, sending you spiraling off course. You yank back on the ship’s controls as an alarm blares overhead. The ship straightens out and you check your scanners, fearing the worst. [[Continue|theworst]] <<set $shiphp = 20>>\ <<set $ehp = 30>>\ <<set $gear = 1>>\ <<set $tor = 2>>\

The worst is confirmed- you’re being attacked by a Gorlon warship! What’s your plan, barbarian? [[Open up a communication channel to the Gorlon ship|comchan]] [[Turn and fire on the Gorlon warship|turnfire]] [[Warp to another system|warp]] [[Stay the course and direct all excess energy to your rear shields. You can’t let the Atomic Angel get away again!|antoimcangel]]

You turn a dial on your control panel and send a hailing frequency to the Gorlons. The connection is established and you immediately burst into a fit of laughter as you hear a series of farting noises. You can’t help but picture an inept Gorlon officer sticking his ass against the radio transmitter and farting. [[Continue|fartingfor]]

Your Ship HP: $hp | Enemy Ship HP: $ehp [[Attack|ack]] [[Fire Torpedo|tor]] (x$tor) [[Use Ship Repair Kit|repair]] (x$gear)

You plot a course on your navi-computer and pull a lever on your control panel. The Gorlons fire their incinerator rays at your ship, but you’ve already warped to another system. [[Continue|thejump]]

You divert all extra power to maintaining your rear shields and make a direct course for Fuzonia. The Gorlon warship fires a series of rockets at your tiny starfighter. Your shields manage to absorb the first few attacks, but they can't stand up to the barrage of missiles being fired by the larger ship. [[Continue|doing]]

You take a moment to regain your composure, reminding yourself that the Gorlon language sounds like farts. You adjust your communicator to translate their hideous language and finally intelligible words blast through your speakers. [[Continue|gorthrat]]

Gorlon: ...refuse to comply, we will incinerate your vessel! I repeat, lower your shields and attach your craft to our ship’s docking ports. You are now a slave of the Gorlon Empire. If you refuse to comply, we will incinerate your vessel! [[Do as they command|doastheycommand]] [[Tell them to shove it up their ugly alien assholes|alienass]]

You lower your shields and dock with the Gorlon warship. A whole squad of Gorlons swarms your ship and begins searching for other passengers. They bind your wrists and take you to their leader. [[Continue|tothemines]]

The Gorlons are furious. They want you as a slave, but destroying your ship will also satisfy them. You can see their weapon systems powering up. What do you do? [[Turn and fire on the Gorlon warship|turnfire]] [[Warp to another system|warp]] [[Stay the course and direct all excess energy to your rear shields. You can’t let the Atomic Angel get away again!|antoimcangel]]

Unfortunately, your jump was not as successful as you had hoped it would be. Your ship warps right into the center of an asteroid belt. One of the smaller chunks of rock smashes against your ship and rips open the hull. Emergency alarms blare as your ship begins to rapidly descend. [[Continue|descend]]

You steer the ship toward one of the larger asteroids and brace for impact. Your ship bounces across the surface of the asteroid like a stone skipping across a lake. You skid to a halt near a rocky valley and assess the damage. Long story short: your ship is totally fucked up. [[Ditch the ship and look for a way off this asteroid|wayoff]] [[Try to hail someone on your communicator|communicator3]]

You exit the ship and begin wandering across the asteroid. [[Continue|busht]]

You flip the switch on your comm unit. It warbles for a moment, but quickly fizzles into static. The communicator is busted. [[Continue|busted]]

Just then you feel the ground begin to shake. You peer out through one of the shattered windows and spot the Gorlon warship landing nearby. They’ve somehow managed to track you when you warped away! [[Hide in one of the hidden compartments|hiding]] [[Go out and fight the boarding party|fightboard]] [[Play dead|playdead]]

You attempt to hide in one of the supply cabinets, but a whole squad of Gorlons swarms your ship and begins searching for passengers. They detect your life signs using handheld scanners and drag you out of your hiding place. They bind your wrists and take you to their leader. [[Continue|tothemines]]

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ackd]] [[Throw Detonator|acidbombd]] (x$det) [[Eat Pizza|pizzad]] (x$pizza)

You pretend you're dead. A whole squad of Gorlons swarms your ship and begins searching for passengers. They detect your life signs using handheld scanners- they aren't fooled for a second. They bind your wrists and take you to their leader. [[Continue|tothemines]]

The Gorlons throw you in a cell on one of the three large prison ships bound for Karkus. You share the cell with four other slaves: a human, a Tozark, a six-armed Sneath, and a blue-skinned Fuzonian. [[Talk to your cellmates|talktocell]] [[Sleep through the voyage|sleepvoy]] <<set $talk = 0>>\

<<if $talk == 4>>\ You feel the ship jolt to a sudden stop. The engines power down and a Gorlon guard opens the door to your cell. You have landed on Karkus. [[Continue|landonkark]] <<else>>\ Who do you want to talk to? [[The human|humans]] [[The Tozark|tozark]] [[The Sneath|sneath]] [[The Fuzonian|fuzon]] <</if>>\

You close your eyes and sleep through the journey. It isn't long before you feel the ship jolt to a sudden stop. The engines power down and a Gorlon guard opens the door to your cell. You have landed on Karkus. [[Continue|landonkark]]

<<if visited("movie")>>\ Movis doesn't want to talk to you. [[Continue|talktocell]] <<else>>\ Movis: Hoo-buddy! Can you believe our luck? Locked in the slammer with a buncha’ glooks! Those freaks make my skin crawl. Look at all them extra arms! And don’t them colored skins just make ya wanna puke? [[Continue|movie]] <<set $talk += 1>>\ <</if>>\

<<if visited("tozark2")>>\ Handor is breathing deeply, apparently lost in meditation. His eyes are open, and you'd swear you can see visions of him killing Gorlons in the darkness of his eyes. Better not disturb him. [[Continue|talktocell]] <<else>>\ The red-skinned Tozark is enormous. He looks like he could squash your head just by flexing. [[Continue|tozark2]] <<set $talk += 1>>\ <</if>>\

<<if visited("sneath2")>>\ Thrum is booping and beeping without a care in the world. [[Continue|talktocell]] <<else>>\ If it weren't for the chains holding him in place, the orange, six-armed Sneath would probably be bouncing around the cell like a rubber ball. [[Continue|sneath2]] <<set $talk += 1>>\ <</if>>\

<<if visited("fuzon2")>>\ Mayzon is busy calculating the velocity of the ship. Better not disturb her. [[Continue|talktocell]] <<else>>\ The Fuzonian woman is muttering a series of calculations over and over again. [[Continue|fuzon2]] <<set $talk += 1>>\ <</if>>\

Movis: Serves 'em right getting caught by them Gorlons. I only pray them aliens get killed first so I can have the pleasure of watching 'em die before I meet the Maker, bless his spirit. Fuck aliens! Right, friend? [[What do you have against aliens?|haveagainst]] [[Great, I’m stuck in jail with a space racist. This should be fun...|spacreacti]] [[We’re all in this together, pal. Why don’t get your head out of your ass and start using it to help us think of a way out of here?|useyourhead]] [[Talk to somebody else|talktocell]]

Movis: Oh, come on! Don’t be naïve, compadre. Them fuckin’ freaks gone and come to OUR planet an’ started takin’ OUR jobs and OUR land. Creatures like them don’t deserve to have what we had- they’re inferior! [[Continue|dickid]]

Movis: It's people like you who ruined our society! Good-hearted folks like me can't say nuthin' these days without getting attacked! I ain't no space-racist, friend. My old gas station attendant was a glook, and he weren't too bad a feller. Just you watch your tongue, and remember what side you on. [[What do you have against aliens?|haveagainst]] [[We’re all in this together, pal. Why don’t get your head out of your ass and start using it to help us think of a way out of here?|useyourhead]] [[Talk to somebody else|talktocell]]

Movis: Words like them don't help nobody. Ya'll alien lovers are all alike. First sign of disagreement and you just resort to violence and hate-speak. I seen folks like you on the news. Ya'll will bring about the destruction of the human race, you mark my words. [[What do you have against aliens?|haveagainst]] [[Great, I’m stuck in jail with a space racist. This should be fun...|spacreacti]] [[Talk to somebody else|talktocell]]

Movis: The Maker crafted US in his divine image, not those slimy FREAKS! Then their ungodly “science” brought them Gorlon fellers to our planet and look what good that did us! You an’ me are about to be killed thanks to these fuckin’ glooks. [[Great, I’m stuck in jail with a space racist. This should be fun...|spacreacti]] [[We’re all in this together, pal. Why don’t get your head out of your ass and start using it to help us think of a way out of here?|useyourhead]] [[Talk to somebody else|talktocell]]

You and your companions are led across a magnificent estate. You pass bubbling fountains of crystal clear water, well-manicured shrubs, and elaborately carved marble columns. You arrive at the front steps of a huge villa, where an obese Gorlon stands waiting for you. [[Continue|addrees]]

Gorlon: Out of the cell, human! [[Fine. If you want a show, I’ll give you a show!|ignored]] [[If you want me out of this cell you’ll have to drag me out!|ignored]] <<set $hp += 10>>\

The Gorlon ignores you and grabs Movis. He shoves the whimpering man into the center of the arena. A metal door on the far side of the pit opens and a huge Shyfter steps onto the sand. The crowd goes wild at the sight of the glittering behemoth. [[Continue|moveifhgith]]

The Shyfter morphs into a giant metal lion. Movis pees himself. The lion opens its mouth and shoots six darts into the terrified man’s chest. Movis lets out a yelp of pain before the darts explode, sending tiny pieces of Movis raining all over the arena. The crowd roars their approval. [[Continue|movdead]]

The Gorlon returns to your cell, laughing. [[Continue|yanext]]

Gorlon: You’re next, human. I hope you put up a better fight than that pathetic weakling. [[Handor! Akorr! This is where we make our stand! Rise and fight!|arenafight]] [[I'll fight that Shyfter and win the favor of the crowd, you fart-mouthed fuck.|fartmouth]]

You and your companions kill the Gorlon and charge into the arena. Your display of bravery rallies the slaves in other holding pens. They grab the rusty swords meant for their combats and charge out with you. [[Continue|gorls]]

Mayzon: Indeed? My source books must be faulty. I did not perceive this rude creature to be a giant walking version of human male genitalia. I must continue my research of humans if I ever escape this terrible fate. [[How did you end up as a Gorlon slave?|gorlonsln]] [[Do you have an escape plan?|scapelatn]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Mayzon: My story is no different than most. The Gorlons came to my planet and enslaved my people. I alone fought back, and as punishment I am being sent to Karkus to fight in their arenas. We Fuzonians are not a race of fighters, but those Gorlon bastards pulled the plug on my arcade machine just as I was about to get the high score. Their villainy truly knows no bounds! [[Do you have an escape plan?|scapelatn]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Mayzon: The walls of this cell are made of StarSteel. Escape from this particular prison seems highly unlikely. Perhaps an opportunity to escape will present itself when we arrive on Karkus. [[How did you end up as a Gorlon slave?|gorlonsln]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Mayzon: He is a repulsive space-racist. [[How did you end up as a Gorlon slave?|gorlonsln]] [[Do you have an escape plan?|scapelatn]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

<<if visited("movie")>>\ Mayzon: Greetings and salutations, human. I am called Mayzon. I hope your disposition towards aliens is more friendly than your counterpart. [[I just met that guy. He’s a dick.|dickdude]] [[How did you end up as a Gorlon slave?|gorlonsln]] [[Do you have an escape plan?|scapelatn]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]] <<else>>\ Mayzon: Greetings and salutations, human. I am called Mayzon. I hope your disposition towards aliens is more friendly than your counterpart. [[What's wrong with that guy?|whatwrong]] [[How did you end up as a Gorlon slave?|gorlonsln]] [[Do you have an escape plan?|scapelatn]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]] <</if>>\

Thrum: My masters beat me when duties were not performed to their standards, but Thrum was forbidden from retaliating. Thrum grew irritated by their increasingly difficult commands, and so Thrum created an incinerator ray and vaporized the next Gorlon that beat him! Zappa-zow! The masters were very unhappy and so it was decided I must be put to death. The masters are very wise. [[You agree with your masters that you should be killed?|agreed]] [[Why did you serve the Gorlons?|whyserve]] [[Do you think there’s any way to escape?|wayshca]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Thrum: Thrum’s family has served Gorlons for generations. It is our greatest honor to see to the needs of our Gorlon masters. I have served the Gorlons since birth. It is what I was born to do. [[What did you do to anger your masters?|angerman]] [[Do you think there’s any way to escape?|wayshca]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Thrum: Escape!? Blippity-bloop! There is no escape from fate! The masters have ordered us to die, and so we shall die! The masters know best. [[What did you do to anger your masters?|angerman]] [[Why did you serve the Gorlons?|whyserve]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Thrum: Oh, yes! Voo-la-voo! The masters know best. Thrum should have kept his temper in check, but Thrum was bad. It is the rules of the masters that I should be killed, and one must always follow the rules. Roo-la-la! [[Did you ever consider that your masters might be wrong?|everconsider]] [[Why did you serve the Gorlons?|whyserve]] [[Do you think there’s any way to escape?|wayshca]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Thrum: Your questioning makes me certain that the masters knew what they were doing when they put you on this ship. Independent thought is frowned upon. Slaves should not think for themselves. Thought is the domain of the masters. Thinkity-dee! [[Why did you serve the Gorlons?|whyserve]] [[Do you think there’s any way to escape?|wayshca]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Handor: If it is my destiny to be killed in the arena, then I will make sure the road to Hell is paved with the blood of Gorlons before I go! [[How were you captured by the Gorlons?|howcop]] [[Do you think we can fight our way out of this?|doya]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Handor: I was stationed as a guard on a small red planet called Mars. Real backwater world, far on the outskirts of the galaxy. Anyway, the pencil pushers inside were doing some weird experiments with radio waves, and their signals caught the attention of the Gorlons. [[Continue|thesyf]]

Handor: You and me? Hell yes. I heard a few of the crew members talking about you before you were brought onboard. If what I hear is true, then I’d say there isn’t another pair of badasses in all the universe that could pull it off if we can’t. [[I like your attitude|tude]] [[How were you captured by the Gorlons?|howcop]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Thrum: Woop-dee-dee! Thrum, I am called! Thrum was once a loyal Gorlon servant, but he angered his masters and now is being sent to Karkus to die in the arenas. It is a pitiful fate, but much deserved. Thrum was a bad Sneath. [[What did you do to anger your masters?|angerman]] [[Why did you serve the Gorlons?|whyserve]] [[Do you think there’s any way to escape?|wayshca]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Handor: Within a matter of hours the entire solar system was swarming with Gorlon warships. I’m the best fighter I know, but not even I can take on an entire Gorlon armada! I killed hundreds of those fart-mouthed fucks before they finally pinned me down and led me away in chains. And now here I am. [[I like your attitude|tude]] [[Do you think we can fight our way out of this?|doya]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Handor: That little Sneath is driving me bonkers with his woops and boops. The little shit actually thinks we deserve to die because the Gorlons command it. Bah! A Tozark never goes down without a fight. [[I like your attitude|tude]] [[How were you captured by the Gorlons?|howcop]] [[Do you think we can fight our way out of this?|doya]] [[Talk to someone else|talktocell]]

Volkor: Welcome aboard, human. My name is Volkor, and I am the warden here. From now on you can call me "master." This little freighter is bound for the mining colonies, and you're coming with us. Once we arrive, you will be forced to dig until you become too weak to dig anymore. Once you can no longer fulfill your duties, you will be executed. Is that clear? [[Eat shit, Gorlon!|eatshit]] [[Yes, master.|yesmaster]]

Volkor slaps you in the face. It doesn't hurt much, but you get the feeling he's not trying to physically hurt you- he's trying to humiliate you. [[Do nothing|donothinge]] [[Spit in his face|spitinface]] [[Step on his toes|stepontoes]]

Volkor: Very good. I think we're going to get along famously. Guards, take this barbarian to the holding pen until we arrive at the mining colonies. [[Continue|tothemining]]

Volkor wipes the spit from his face and beats you with a club. Since your hands are chained, you are unable to defend yourself. -5 HP. [[Continue|volkorauf]] <<set $hp -= 5>>\

Volkor squeals in pain. He punches you in the belly and proceeds to beat you with a club. Since your hands are chained, you are unable to defend yourself. -5 HP. [[Continue|volkorauf]] <<set $hp -= 5>>\

You spend the rest of the voyage locked in a tiny cell. Your Gorlon masters are vicious. If you fail to obey a command, or if you're slow to respond, they beat you and whip you. You arrive at the mines in terrible shape. Volkor shoves you to the ground. [[Continue|grosn]]

Volkor: Get to work, slave! [[Ignore the abuse and get to work|work]] [[Punch Volkor|punchvolk]]

Volkor walks away, satisfied with himself that he has tamed a wild barbarian. A red-skinned Tozark woman approaches. [[Continue|starwisp]]

You draw back your fist to strike Volkor, but the Gorlon catches your wrist and smashes your face with a club. You crash to the ground in a spray of blood. -4 HP. [[Continue|smashed]] <<set $hp -= 4>>\

<<if $hp lte 0>>\ Given your weakened state, the force of the blow was enough to kill you. Your brains splatter all over the walls of the mine. YOU ARE DEAD. Open the sidebar to restart or load from a save point. Otherwise, you can end your adventure here in defeat. Either way, Crypt Shyfter will return next month! Wanna be the first to play new adventures? [[Become an Ultimate Badass|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] <<else>>\ Volkor: Disobey my command again, barbarian, and I'll send you to Karkus! Now get to work! [[Continue|walkala]] <</if>>\

<div style="text-align: center;">\ ----- HP: $hp | Attack: $atk | [[Inventory|inventory]] ----- </div>\ Your tiny ship zips past the Zargon star cluster and slingshots into interstellar space using the gravitational pull of Er’s third moon. [[Continue|tracking]]

Volkor walks away, grumbling about hare-brained barbarians. A red-skinned Tozark woman approaches. [[Continue|starwisp]]

Slave woman: Blasted aliens! They’ll get what’s coming to them- you'll see. One day we’ll take our back our freedom and then they’ll be sorry. But for now, take this shovel and start digging. [[What are we digging for?|diggingfor]] [[What's your name?|yourname]] [[How did you end up here?|endup]] [[Good idea, I don't wanna piss that guy off anymore.|goodieas]] <<set $slave = "Slave woman">>\

$slave: These mines are filled with pockets of gas called Myrrth. The Gorlons extract the Myrrth from the rocks so they can breathe- that's why they wear those tanks. It’s like air to them. Without it, they’d die. [[Then why do you keep digging? Just let them die.|letemdie]] [[What's your name?|yourname]] [[How did you end up here?|endup]] [[We should get to work.|goodieas]]

$slave: My name is Starwisp. [[Starwisp... there's something familiar about you. I know we've never met, but I can't help but feel like I know you. Maybe we were friends in a past life?|pastlife]] [[What are we digging for?|diggingfor]] [[How did you end up here?|endup]] [[We should get to work.|goodieas]] <<set $slave = "Starwisp">>\

$slave: My sisters and I were captured in a Gorlon raid several years ago. They both died working in the mines, but I must remain strong. Someday I will avenge them. [[What are we digging for?|diggingfor]] [[What's your name?|yourname]] [[We should get to work.|goodieas]]

You and Starwisp spend the next several hours digging and filling carts with rocks. When one cart is full, a slave pushes it away and an empty cart is rolled up to replace it. The work is neverending. [[Continue|neverending]] <<set $pizza = 0>>\ <<set $det = 0>>\

$slave: They’ll kill us if we stop. Or worse... send us to Karkus. [[Karkus?|karkark]] [[What's your name?|yourname]] [[How did you end up here?|endup]] [[We should get to work.|goodieas]]

$slave: Karkus is the Gorlon homeworld. The fighting arena on Karkus is the most famous in the entire galaxy. Any slave who disobeys a Gorlon command is sent to Karkus and forced to fight to the death in the arena. Bloodshed is the height of entertainment for Gorlons. [[What's your name?|yourname]] [[How did you end up here?|endup]] [[We should get to work.|goodieas]]

$slave: This life is the only one that matters. It's a struggle to survive, but if we're strong maybe we can kill a few Gorlons before they kill us. You'd be wise to remember that, barbarian. [[What are we digging for?|diggingfor]] [[How did you end up here?|endup]] [[We should get to work.|goodieas]]

At one point Starwisp sets down her shovel in exhaustion. Volkor immediately approaches and begins whipping her. [[Ignore them and keep working|nothinghap]] [[Smash that fucker's face in with your shovel|smashface]] <<set $ehp = 20>>\ <<set $volk = 1>>\

You continue to dig, knowing that getting involved would only lead to your own punishment. Unfortunately, the whipping doesn't have the effect Volkor was hoping for. Instead of spurring Starwisp back to work, the whippings force her to the ground, where she begs for mercy. This display of weakness infuriates Volkor, who immediately begins whipping her harder. It is obvious he will beat her to death if you don't intervene. [[Defend Starwisp|smashface]] [[Keep working and don't get involved|dontgetvol]]

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ack2]] [[Throw Detonator|acidbomb2]] (x$det) [[Eat Pizza|pizza2]] (x$pizza)

You ignore Starwisp's weakening cries and the sound of Volkor's whip striking flesh. You avert your eyes as Volkor flays the skin off Starwisp's back. When Starwisp is nothing more than a mutilated corpse, Volkor orders two of the nearby Gorlons to drag her body away and send in another slave to replace her. [[Continue|deadwisp]]

Days pass. Your life is a living hell. All you do is dig. [[Continue|diiiig]]

<<if $hp lte 0>>\ Volkor doesn't stop hitting you until you are dead. Game over, barbarian. Open the sidebar to restart or load from a save point. Otherwise, you can end your adventure here in defeat. Either way, Crypt Shyfter will return next month! Wanna be the first to play new adventures? [[Become an Ultimate Badass|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] <<else>>\ Volkor: Guards, take this barbarian scum to the holding pen until we arrive at the mining colonies. [[Continue|tothemining]]<</if>>

Just then you feel the ground begin to shake. You spin around and spot the Gorlon warship landing nearby. They’ve somehow managed to track you when you warped away! [[Try to hide|hidrock]] [[Fight the Gorlons|fightboard]]

You attempt to hide behind one of the nearby rocks, but a whole squad of Gorlons swarms the area and begins searching for survivors. They detect your life signs using handheld scanners and drag you out of your hiding place. They bind your wrists and take you to their leader. [[Continue|tothemines]]

One of the rockets punches a hole in your shields and rips open the hull. Emergency alarms blare as your ship begins to rapidly descend. [[Continue|descendg]]

You steer the ship toward a large asteroid and brace for impact. Your ship bounces across the surface of the asteroid like a stone skipping across a lake. You skid to a halt near a rocky valley and assess the damage. Long story short: your ship is totally fucked up. [[Ditch the ship and look for a way off this asteroid|wayoffb]] [[Try to hail someone on your communicator|communicator3b]]

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your Ship HP: $hp | Enemy Ship HP: $ehp <<print either("You zoom around shooting laser beams!","You fire an EMP!","You launch a mini nuke!","You cut the Gorlons off and give them the finger!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|victory]] <<else>>\ Your Ship HP: $hp | Enemy Ship HP: $ehp <<print either("You zoom around shooting laser beams!","You fire an EMP!","You launch a mini nuke!","You cut the Gorlons off and give them the finger!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurn]] <</if>>\

<<if $tor gte 1>>\ <<set $tor -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your Ship HP: $hp | Enemy Ship HP: $ehp You fire a torpedo! It deals 7 damage! [[Continue|checkHPe]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any torpedos left! Try something else. [[Continue|turnfire]]<</if>>

<<if $gear gte 1>>\ <<set $gear -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 10>>\ Your Ship HP: $hp | Enemy Ship HP: $ehp Crank, clank, beep! Ship repaired. +10 hit points. [[Continue|checkHPe]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any repair kits left! Try something else. [[Continue|turnfire]]<</if>>

You fucked up the Gorlons pretty good, but your ship has taken heavy damage. You need to land! [[Continue|descendg]] <<set $hp = 25>>\ <<set $ehp = 20>>\

<<set $atkdmg = random(3,7)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your Ship HP: $hp | Enemy Ship HP: $ehp <<print either("The Gorlons shoot laser beams at you!","The Gorlons fire an EMP!","The Gorlons launch a mini nuke!","The Gorlons cut you off and give you the finger!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! Your ship has been destroyed. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your Ship HP: $hp | Enemy Ship HP: $ehp <<print either("The Gorlons shoot laser beams at you!","The Gorlons fire an EMP!","The Gorlons launch a mini nuke!","The Gorlons cut you off and give you the finger!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|turnfire]] <</if>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|victory]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurn]]<</if>>

You were killed in combat. Open the sidebar to restart the game or load from a save point. Otherwise, you can end your adventure here in defeat. It’s up to you. Either way, there will be a brand new adventure next month! Wanna be the first to play it? Ultimate Badasses get early access to new games and get their names listed in the credits! [[Join the tribe!|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] If you've been enjoying Crypt Shyfter so far, you can support the series on [[ko-fi|https://ko-fi.com/kungfuspacebarbarian]]

You exit the ship and begin wandering across the asteroid. Just then you feel the ground begin to shake. You spin around and spot the Gorlon warship landing nearby. These guys are persistent! [[Try to hide|hidrock]] [[Fight the Gorlons|fightboard]]

You flip the switch on your comm unit. It warbles for a moment, but quickly fizzles into static. The communicator is busted. [[Continue|bustedf]]

Just then you feel the ground begin to shake. You peer out through one of the shattered windows and spot the Gorlon warship landing nearby. These guys are persistent! [[Hide in one of the hidden compartments|hiding]] [[Go out and fight the boarding party|fightboard]] [[Play dead|playdead]]

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick Volkor in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap Volkor!","You give Volkor a wet willy!","You give Volkor a dead-leg!","You spit in Volkor's face!","You tackle Volkor!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on Volkor's toes!","You chokeslam Volkor!","You powerbomb Volkor!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Volkor with a deadly chi attack!","You poke Volkor in the eye!","You give Volkor a wedgie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on Volkor’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon Volkor!","You tie Volkor’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|winna]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick Volkor in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap Volkor!","You give Volkor a wet willy!","You give Volkor a dead-leg!","You spit in Volkor's face!","You tackle Volkor!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on Volkor's toes!","You chokeslam Volkor!","You powerbomb Volkor!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Volkor with a deadly chi attack!","You poke Volkor in the eye!","You give Volkor a wedgie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on Volkor’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon Volkor!","You tie Volkor’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurn2]] <</if>>\

<<if $det gte 1>>\ <<set $det -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an detonator! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHP2]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any detonators! Try something else. [[Continue|smashface]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 10>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 10 hit points. [[Continue|checkHP2]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|smashface]]<</if>>

Max Attack increased by 3! [[Continue|pizzdvolk]] <<set $atk += 3>>\

<<set $atkdmg = random(1,5)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("Volkor whips you!","Volkor starts dancing badly!","Volkor does an awkward cartwheel!","Volkor steps on your toes!","Volkor chokeslams you!","Volkor powerbombs you!","Volkor pokes you in the eye!","Volkor gives you a wedgie!","Volkor steals your lunch money!","Volkor beats you up!","Volkor gives you a noogie!","Volkor moons you!","Volkor ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("Volkor whips you!","Volkor starts dancing badly!","Volkor does an awkward cartwheel!","Volkor steps on your toes!","Volkor chokeslams you!","Volkor powerbombs you!","Volkor pokes you in the eye!","Volkor gives you a wedgie!","Volkor steals your lunch money!","Volkor beats you up!","Volkor gives you a noogie!","Volkor moons you!","Volkor ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|smashface]] <</if>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|winna]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurn2]]<</if>>

<div style="text-align: center;">\ ----- Inventory ----- </div>\ Star Axe Pizza: $pizza Detonators: $det <<return "Back">>

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick a Gorlon in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Gorlons!","You give the Gorlons wet willies!","You spit in a Gorlon's face!","You tackle the Gorlons!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Gorlon's toes!","You chokeslam a Gorlon!","You powerbomb a Gorlon!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast the Gorlons with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Gorlon in the eye!","You give the Gorlons wedgies!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Gorlon’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon the Gorlons!","You tie a Gorlon’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|winnad]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick a Gorlon in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Gorlons!","You give the Gorlons wet willies!","You spit in a Gorlon's face!","You tackle the Gorlons!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Gorlon's toes!","You chokeslam a Gorlon!","You powerbomb a Gorlon!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast the Gorlons with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Gorlon in the eye!","You give the Gorlons wedgies!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Gorlon’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon the Gorlons!","You tie a Gorlon’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurn2d]] <</if>>\

<<if $det gte 1>>\ <<set $det -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an detonator! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHP2d]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any detonators! Try something else. [[Continue|fightboard]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 10>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 10 hit points. [[Continue|checkHP2d]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|fightboard]]<</if>>

Max Attack increased by 2! [[Continue|captured]] <<set $atk += 2>>\

<<set $atkdmg = random(1,6)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The Gorlons start dancing badly!","The Gorlons step on your toes!","A Gorlon chokeslams you!","A Gorlon powerbombs you!","A Gorlon pokes you in the eye!","A Gorlon gives you a wedgie!","The Gorlons steal your lunch money!","The Gorlons beat you up!","A Gorlon gives you a noogie!","The Gorlons moon you!","A Gorlon ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The Gorlons start dancing badly!","The Gorlons step on your toes!","A Gorlon chokeslams you!","A Gorlon powerbombs you!","A Gorlon pokes you in the eye!","A Gorlon gives you a wedgie!","The Gorlons steal your lunch money!","The Gorlons beat you up!","A Gorlon gives you a noogie!","The Gorlons moon you!","A Gorlon ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|fightboard]] <</if>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|winnad]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurn2d]]<</if>>

<<if visited("diiiig")>>\ You butcher the Gorlons. Volkor watches the battle in amusement. You smash the last Gorlon's head in with a shovel, only to look up and see Volkor surrounded by another squad of Gorlons. [[Continue|fightwall]] <<else>>\ You slaughter an entire platoon of Gorlons, but another warship lands and three squads of Gorlons swarm you! They bind your wrists and take you to their leader. [[Continue|tothemines]] <</if>>\

<<if $volk == 2>>\ You beat Volkor to death and glance around the arena. Everything is chaos. The slaves have been freed and their masters have been slaughtered. The remaining Gorlons are running for their lives. Now would be an excellent time to escape. [[Continue|slavesrfree]] <<else>>\ Volkor collapses to the ground in a bloody heap. The tubes connecting his breathing apparatus were severed during the fight, and now the alien shitbag is gasping for air. A dozen Gorlons rush to his aid and switch out his Myrrth tanks. The others bind your wrists in chains. Two of the Gorlons help Volkor to his feet. [[Continue|takethis]] <</if>>\

Volkor: (gasp) Wretched human filth! You will die in the arena! (gasp) Take this barbarian to Karkus! [[Continue|sruik]]

Volkor tries to slap you one final time, but he's too weak from the fight. His flailing motion causes him and the two Gorlons supporting him to collapse in a heap. The gathered slaves laugh and cheer. As the Gorlon guards lead you away, you see Starwisp smiling at you. Her mouth forms the words "Thank you." [[Continue|throwincell]]

Finally, the command comes down from Volkor: this mine has been stripped of all usable pockets of Myrrth. The slaves here are no longer needed. You are all to be executed. A dozen Gorlon soldiers enter the mines and begin killing slaves. [[Give up and let them kill you|giveup]] [[Kill the Gorlons|fightboard]] <<set $ehp = 20>>\

The Gorlons kill you and leave your body for the Nergon slugs. Open the sidebar to restart the game or load from a save point. Otherwise, you can end your adventure here in defeat. It’s up to you. Either way, there will be a brand new adventure next month! Wanna be the first to play it? Ultimate Badasses get early access to new games and get their names listed in the credits! [[Join the tribe!|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] If you've been enjoying Crypt Shyfter so far, you can support the series on [[ko-fi|https://ko-fi.com/kungfuspacebarbarian]]

Volkor: Enough! You show great promise, barbarian. Death in the mines is not befitting of a warrior of your stature. You shall instead die in the arena on Karkus! Your final moments are sure to be the talk of the Gorlon Empire for generations to come! [[Continue|feed]] <<set $hp = 30>>\

Volkor: Guards! Take this barbarian to the mess hall. Provide the finest nutrients and tend to those nasty wounds. Then throw the savage on one of the prison ships. We're leaving this dreadful place. [[Continue|dinenin]]

<div style="text-align: center;">\ ----- HP: $hp | Attack: $atk | [[Inventory|inventory]] ----- </div>\ Though you are a prisoner, the Gorlons treat you well. It is clear they respect your fighting ability, and they all hunger for the sight of blood in the arena. Once you are fed and healed, the Gorlons bind your hands once more and lead you away. [[Continue|throwincell]]

Battoxxus: Welcome to Karkus, slaves. My name is Battoxxus and I am the greatest gladiator trainer on this worthless planet. My associates in the mining colonies wish to see you put to death in the arena, but I have greater plans for you. You’re a feisty bunch, and I can see you have strong spirits. Therefore you will fight for me. [[And if we refuse to fight?|refusetofight]] [[If we win the fights, will you grant us our freedom?|grantfree]] [[I'll never fight for you, fatass!|refusetofight]]

Battoxxus steps forward and smacks you in the face. [[Continue|smacked]]

Battoxxus steps forward and smacks you in the face. [[Continue|smackeds]]

Battoxxus: You do not speak unless I command it, slave. And you WILL fight, or I’ll feed you to the Nergon Slugs! They’ll start by eating your fingers and toes, slowly working their way up your scrawny limbs. After days or maybe weeks they’ll reach your essential bits. You will be forced to watch as they slowly devour every inch of your body. You will suffer greatly, make no mistake. So choose if you must, barbarian: fight or die. [[Spit on the ground|spit]] [[Remain silent|silent]]

Battoxxus: Hahaha! Good! I like your spunk! Now listen: With each victory in the arena you will bring great honor to this house and to me. Win the approval of the crowd and you will be rewarded. Disobey me and you will be punished. Is that clear? [[Yes, master.|yesss]] [[No foe can best me in combat!|yesss]]

Battoxxus: Good. Then get some rest. Your training begins in the morning. [[Continue|themorning]]

Battoxxus: You do not speak unless I command it, slave. Your freedom is out of the question. I have purchased you from the miners, and I intend to see a great return on my investment. With each victory in the arena you will bring great honor to this house and to me. Win the approval of the crowd and you will be rewarded. Disobey me and you will be punished. Is that clear? [[Yes, master.|yesss]] [[No foe can best me in combat!|yesss]]

Battoxxus: Good. Then get some rest. Your training begins in the morning. [[Continue|themorning]]

You spend a sleepless night in your cell. You wrack your brain for escape ideas, but your situation seems completely hopeless. There appears to be no escape from these vile Gorlon shitbags. [[Continue|nextmore]]

Battoxxus summons you to the training grounds early the next morning. You are exhausted, but the Gorlons care little for your needs. You stand in line with dozens of other slaves as Battoxxus addresses your group. [[Continue|batoxljr]] <<set $hp = 30>>\

Battoxxus: Today begins your training. You will walk onto the sands of the arena as slaves, but you will walk away as gladiators! You, barbarian! I am told your fighting prowess rivals that of the gods themselves. Is this true? Step forward and speak! [[No foe can best me in combat! It would take a hundred Gorlons to send me to my death.|hundredgor]] [[The rumors are true. God-killer, they call me. Shyfter-slayer, death defier, and all-around badass! That is me.|hundredgor]] [[Go fuck a duck, fatass.|fuckaduck]] <<set $ehp = 30>>\

Battoxxus: We’ll see about that. Akorr is my greatest warrior. He has personally overseen the training of my gladiators for over a thousand years. None is Akorr’s equal! Akorr! What do you make of this barbarian? [[Continue|akorr]]

Battoxxus: You will learn manners, barbarian. Despite your wicked tongue, I believe the rumors about your abilities have been greatly exaggerated. Akorr is my greatest warrior. He has personally overseen the training of my gladiators for over a thousand years. None is Akorr’s equal! Akorr! What do you make of this barbarian? [[Continue|akorr]]

Akorr: This filth isn’t fit to wipe the shit from my asshole, master. This one will never become a true gladiator! [[Remain quiet|remainquiet]] [[Attack Akorr|attackakk]]

Battoxxus: It seems the barbarian’s fire has been somewhat quenched this morning. How disappointing. Akorr, please give this barbarian a beating. Show the rest of these pathetic slaves what a true gladiator is made of. [[Remain quiet|quiet3]] [[Beat the piss out of Akorr|attackakk]]

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ack2n]] [[Throw Detonator|acidbomb2n]] (x$det) [[Eat Pizza|pizza2n]] (x$pizza)

You stand where you are. Akorr approaches and punches you in the belly, knocking the wind from your lungs. He draws back a fist and smashes it into your mouth, sending you crashing to the ground. You spit out a tooth. -3 HP. [[Attack that fucker|attackakk]] [[Stay down|staydown]] <<set $hp -= 3>>\

Battoxxus: Perhaps I was wrong about you, barbarian. You have no fighting spirit. You are broken. I have no use for a weak slave. Akorr, kill this imbecile. [[Do nothing|donothingdie]] [[Kill Akorr|attackakk]]

You remain on the ground while Akorr beats you to death. You look pathetic, barbarian. Your lifeless corpse is dragged away, but your blood and brains will forever stain the sand of this arena. Open the sidebar to restart the game or load from a save point. Otherwise, you can end your adventure here in defeat. It’s up to you. Either way, there will be a brand new adventure next month! Wanna be the first to play it? Ultimate Badasses get early access to new games and get their names listed in the credits! [[Join the tribe!|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]] If you've been enjoying Crypt Shyfter so far, you can support the series on [[ko-fi|https://ko-fi.com/kungfuspacebarbarian]]

Max Attack increased by 2! [[Continue|two]] <<set $atk += 2>>\

Battoxxus: You have brought great shame on this house, Akorr. Your rank is stripped. Forevermore, you shall serve this barbarian. Honor and glory are yours no longer. Henceforth, when the name Akorr is spoken, it shall be in tones of disgust. A slave of a slave, you have become! Drag this filth from my sight. Once he awakens, see to it that he tends to this barbarian’s every need. The penalty for disobedience is death. [[Continue|deeeaht]]

Battoxxus: Barbarian, you are dismissed. You may bathe and eat, for you have earned a place of respect among my house. Your training will resume tomorrow. The rest of you, grab swords! Today we will learn your true worth. [[Continue|afterthetraining]]

Two Gorlon guards escort you to the bath house. Steam rises from the hot water. Slaves shuffle back and forth, carrying towels and plates of food to their relaxing masters. The Gorlons order you to relax in one of the smaller pools while they attend to other duties. [[Continue|waitinpool]]

Akorr arrives a short while later and begins to wash your hair and tend to your wounds. [[I am told you are my slave now.|slavenow]] [[What can you tell me about this house?|thoushe]] [[What can you tell me about the arena?|arenatell]] [[I am hungry. Take me to the dining hall.|todininghall]]

Akorr: That is correct, master. Akorr is here to serve you. [[But you were once a great trainer of gladiators! I am nothing more than a slave. How is it that a Gorlon can serve a slave?|gorsevslav]] [[What can you tell me about this house?|thoushe]] [[What can you tell me about the arena?|arenatell]] [[I am hungry. Take me to the dining hall.|todininghall]]

Akorr: This house belongs to one of the oldest Gorlon families in existence. Battoxxus is well respected throughout the stars for his skill in training gladiators. He provides great entertainment to all in the Gorlon Empire. [[Tell me about Battoxxus.|telmboxf]] [[I am told you are my slave now.|slavenow]] [[What can you tell me about the arena?|arenatell]] [[I am hungry. Take me to the dining hall.|todininghall]]

Akorr: Slaves and criminals are sent to the arena to die. Their deaths are broadcast across the entire Gorlon empire. Their blood is shed for our enjoyment. [[Continue|enjoyy]]

Akorr gives you a towel and leads you through the villa. As you’re walking down one of the hallways, you pass a room filled with billowing green gas. A machine is chugging and clanking in the corner of the room. The gas seems to be coming from that machine. A Gorlon guard standing by the door gives you the stink-eye as you pass. [[Ask Akorr about the machine|machineask]] [[Keep walking|hungryf]]

Akorr: I once served the House of Battoxxus with pride, but you, a lowly slave, have bested me in combat. We Gorlons are a warlike race. Weakness is not tolerated. You bested me, but I was not killed, as all defeated Gorlons should be. [[Continue|besth]]

Akorr: It is the greatest humiliation a Gorlon can face, to be beaten and yet continue to live. I have brought shame to the House of Battoxxus by allowing a slave to defeat me, and therefore I have been relegated to the rank of Omus: a slave of a slave. [[So you must obey all of my commands?|allofmycommands]] [[What can you tell me about this house?|thoushe]] [[What can you tell me about the arena?|arenatell]] [[I am hungry. Take me to the dining hall.|todininghall]]

Akorr: You are my master now. To disobey one’s master is to invite death. I am here to serve you, master. [[What can you tell me about this house?|thoushe]] [[What can you tell me about the arena?|arenatell]] [[I am hungry. Take me to the dining hall.|todininghall]]

Akorr: Battoxxus is a cruel master, but he is just. He rewards slaves who bring honor to his house, but dishonor invites swift punishment. [[I am told you are my slave now.|slavenow]] [[What can you tell me about the arena?|arenatell]] [[I am hungry. Take me to the dining hall.|todininghall]]

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick Akorr in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap Akorr!","You give Akorr a wet willy!","You give Akorr a dead-leg!","You spit in Akorr's face!","You tackle Akorr!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on Akorr's toes!","You chokeslam Akorr!","You powerbomb Akorr!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Akorr with a deadly chi attack!","You poke Akorr in the eye!","You give Akorr a wedgie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on Akorr’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon Akorr!","You tie Akorr’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|winkor]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick Akorr in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap Akorr!","You give Akorr a wet willy!","You give Akorr a dead-leg!","You spit in Akorr's face!","You tackle Akorr!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on Akorr's toes!","You chokeslam Akorr!","You powerbomb Akorr!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Akorr with a deadly chi attack!","You poke Akorr in the eye!","You give Akorr a wedgie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on Akorr’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon Akorr!","You tie Akorr’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurn2n]] <</if>>\

<<if $det gte 1>>\ <<set $det -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an detonator! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHP2n]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any detonators! Try something else. [[Continue|attackakk]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 10>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 10 hit points. [[Continue|checkHP2n]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|attackakk]]<</if>>

<<set $atkdmg = random(1,8)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("Akorr whips you!","Akorr starts dancing badly!","Akorr does an awkward cartwheel!","Akorr steps on your toes!","Akorr chokeslams you!","Akorr powerbombs you!","Akorr pokes you in the eye!","Akorr gives you a wedgie!","Akorr steals your lunch money!","Akorr beats you up!","Akorr gives you a noogie!","Akorr moons you!","Akorr ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("Akorr whips you!","Akorr starts dancing badly!","Akorr does an awkward cartwheel!","Akorr steps on your toes!","Akorr chokeslams you!","Akorr powerbombs you!","Akorr pokes you in the eye!","Akorr gives you a wedgie!","Akorr steals your lunch money!","Akorr beats you up!","Akorr gives you a noogie!","Akorr moons you!","Akorr ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|attackakk]] <</if>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|winkor]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurn2n]]<</if>>

Battoxxus: Enough! Very good, barbarian. The tales I have heard are indeed true. You will make a fine gladiator. Akorr, on the other hand, is no longer fit to serve me. Let it be known that Akorr, of the House of Battoxxus, has been beaten and humiliated by a mere slave! [[Continue|mereslave]]

Akorr: But there is money to be made in the arena, too. That is why Battoxxus and others like him have taken it upon themselves to purchase slaves, whom they train to become gladiators. It is expected that a gladiator will eventually die, but as long as trainers provide gladiators to fight in the arena, they are well paid. [[Continue|wellpaid]]

Akorr: Battoxxus is renowned as the most famous gladiator trainer on all of Karkus- he makes sure his gladiators know how to kill and survive. That way each gladiator can live to fight across a series of days or weeks, making Battoxxus more and more money as the common folk place wagers on when and how his gladiators will die. The longer a gladiator lives, the more money Battoxxus stands to make. Training gladiators can be extremely lucrative. [[I am told you are my slave now.|slavenow]] [[What can you tell me about this house?|thoushe]] [[I am hungry. Take me to the dining hall.|todininghall]]

Akorr: That is a Myrrth extractor. You may have noticed that Gorlons do not wear a breathing device indoors. That is because this machine extracts the Myrrth from minerals and disperses it through the air, allowing us to breathe freely. Vents leading throughout the building carry the gas to each room. Myrrth extractors are an essential part of Gorlon survival. [[Do they ever turn off?|turnoffgas]] [[What happens when you run out of minerals?|runoutof]]

Akorr: It is crucial that this machine be running at all times, otherwise any Gorlon not wearing a tank would die within minutes. That is why there is always a guard posted at the door. [[What happens when you run out of minerals?|runoutof]]

Akorr: Battoxxus pays good money to maintain a steady supply of Myrrth. Even if our contacts stopped selling to us, we have enough Myrrth stockpiled in this facility to last us for upwards of three years. [[This gives me an idea to escape.|escapeidea]] [[Do they ever turn off?|turnoffgas]]

You continue on to the dining hall, where you and Akorr grab some food and head to a corner to eat alone. +2 pizza added to inventory. [[Continue|lepiz]]

Akorr: Escape? What are you talking about, barbarian? [[We’re not going to die here, Akorr. You and me are the best fighters on this planet. Our fates are not tied to the arena.|youandme]] [[I’m talking about killing the Gorlons and leaving this wretched place.|youandme]]

At that moment you spot Movis, the human slave you met on the prison ship. He looks weary from the day's training, but a wicked grin splits his face when he sees you. He rushes off down one of the hallways. [[Shit! I think he heard us. We have to stop him!|havetostop]] [[Don’t worry about him. Go find your Myrrth mask and meet me back here in 10 minutes. We’re busting out of here.|bustinouta]]

You sprint after Movis and tackle him to the ground. He slips out from under your grasp, but you manage to block his path. There is a wild look in his eyes- he intends to fight his way past you. [[Enter Combat|fightmovies]] <<set $ehp = 30>>\

Akorr: If we’re caught, barbarian, we’re dead. [[If we don’t escape, we’re dead anyway. I think I’ll take my chances.|hcnages]] [[You’re right. It’s too risky. We should stay put and wait for another opportunity to escape.|hungryfs]]

You grab a quick bite to eat before returning to the Myrrth extractor room to meet Akorr. The two of you arrive at the same time, but Battoxxus and a legion of Gorlon soldiers are there waiting for you. Movis is wringing his hands in the corner. [[Continue|plannnnngi]]

You and Akorr continue to the dining hall, where you’re greeted by Battoxxus and a legion of Gorlon soldiers. Movis is wringing his hands in the corner. [[Continue|plannnnngi]]

Battoxxus: Planning an escape, were you? I afford you a small amount of respect and this is how you repay me, barbarian? You bring great dishonor to my house. You will die in the arena tonight. Guards! Arrest these two traitors! [[Fight them|fightout]] [[Surrender|surrenderer]] <<set $ehp = 30>>\

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ackdt]] [[Throw Detonator|acidbombdt]] (x$det) [[Eat Pizza|pizzadt]] (x$pizza)

The Gorlons chain your wrists. Movis, who is standing nearby, begins to chuckle. Battoxxus turns to him. [[Continue|disgusygh]]

You and Akorr fight like caged tigers. You disarm one of the Gorlons and take his sword. You swing the mighty blade over your head, sending a dozen aliens to Hell with each swipe. Akorr rallies the other slaves, who begin to join in the fray. [[Continue|thefray]]

The slaves outnumber their masters 3 to 1, and quickly overpower the terrified guards. You spot Battoxxus attempting to escape in the commotion. [[Follow him and kill him|killlxobs]] [[Forget about him, you’ve cleared a path to the entrance! It’s time to escape.|timetoscape]]

You sprint after Battoxxus and slam him against the wall. He begins to blubber and cry, begging for his life. [[Kill him|kilgbac]] [[Spare him|spareghb]]

You call to the slaves and urge them to follow you. You spot a group of Gorlons unloading crates of Myrrth from a ship nearby. Their eyes go wide at the sight of your slave army and they immediately ditch their posts and flee. The way to the ship is clear. [[Continue|movivsfihg]]

Just then Movis steps in front of the ship’s ramp. He is holding a plasma rifle, and he points it straight at your heart. [[Continue|notsou]]

Movis: Not so fast, friend. Them glooks promised me my freedom, and I won’t let you or anyone else take it away from me. Now ya’ll best drop them weapons and return to your cells, lest I be forced to discharge this firearm into your hearts. The masters will grant me my freedom early as a reward for my service. [[Get the fuck out of the way you bumbling idiot! Battoxxus must be calling for reinforcements now, this planet is about to be crawling with Gorlon soldiers!|iditofuck]] [[I don’t have time for this. Prepare to die, Movis!|fightmovies]] <<set $ehp = 30>>\

Movis: And I intend to be standing right here when they arrive. All will know that it was I, Movis, who squashed the slave insurrection and prevented the escape of a hundred prisoners! Those glooks will sing my praises and heap glorious rewards upon me! [[You’re delusional.|delusion]] [[I don’t have time for this. Prepare to die, Movis!|fightmovies]]

At that moment you feel a deep rumbling. You are almost knocked off your feet by a gust of wind. You look up and see hundreds of Gorlon warships descending upon the planet. Battoxxus watches from a window nearby. You’ve wasted too much time! [[Continue|totheslf]]

The Gorlons surround you and the other slaves. There will be no fighting your way out of this mess. The Gorlons bind your wrists. Battoxxus approaches. [[Continue|baskgj]]

Battoxxus: That was very foolish, barbarian. Your little stunt lost me a lot of money, but I expect to be reimbursed tonight. Yes, I’m sending you and all of your little friends to the arena. Tonight the Gorlon Empire will witness an event not seen for a thousand generations. Tonight you will all fight Shyfters! And make no mistake: you will ALL DIE! [[Eat liquid shit, motherfucker!|liquidshit]] [[With all due respect, you can kiss my ass, master.|liquidshit]]

Battoxxus grins. Movis, who is standing nearby, begins to chuckle. Battoxxus turns to him. [[Continue|disgusygh]]

Battoxxus: You have served the Gorlons well, human, but you are a vile creature. A traitor to your own race! Is there nothing more dishonorable? Guards, arrest this fool. He will die with the others tonight. [[Continue|arestfol]]

Movis: W-what!? But I- master! It’s not fair! I helped you capture them! I thought you would grant me freedom! You can’t do this! [[Continue|tothedship]]

The Gorlons arrest Movis and lead you all into prison ships. An hour later you find yourselves in cages around the great arena. Movis, Akorr, and Handor share your cell. You watch as the seats above begin to fill. It seems like tonight’s event is going to be sold out. [[Talk to Movis|ttmov]] [[Talk to Akorr|ttakks]] [[Talk to Handor|kttkahand]] [[Get ready to fight|ready2fith]]

<<if visited("endmov")>>\ Movis is crying. [[Talk to Akorr|ttakks]] [[Talk to Handor|kttkahand]] [[Get ready to fight|ready2fith]] <<else>>\ Movis: This is all yer fault, barbarian! I should have been freed! I don’t deserve to be killed for the entertainment of glooks! I’m a good person! [[Shut the fuck up, Movis. When this cage opens, we’ll be fighting for our lives. I need to know you’ll have our backs.|habouwr]] [[It doesn’t matter what you think you deserve. What matters is that we’re here now, and we need to deal with it. Put your game face on. We have Shyfters to kill.|endmov]] <</if>>\

<<if visited("markem")>>\ Akorr is preparing for the fight. [[Talk to Movis|ttmov]] [[Talk to Handor|kttkahand]] [[Get ready to fight|ready2fith]] <<else>>\ Akorr: We gave it a good shot, barbarian. Fate, it would seem, has other plans for us. [[This isn’t over yet, Akorr.|isnotver]] [[You know everything there is to know about the arena. How can we use that to our advantage?|ouradvantage]] <</if>>\

<<if visited("skifh")>>\ Handor is preparing for the fight. [[Talk to Movis|ttmov]] [[Talk to Akorr|ttakks]] [[Get ready to fight|ready2fith]] <<else>>\ Handor: We'll give 'em hell, barbarian. Here, take these detonators. I managed to grab a few off the guard when he was locking our cell. They should come in handy during the fight. [[Thanks, Handor. Let's kill some Shyfters!|skifh]] [[I'm glad to have a friend like you, Handor.|skifh]] <<set $det += 2>>\ <</if>>\

You take a few deep breaths. The crowd begins to cheer as a Gorlon approaches your cell. [[Continue|firstfight]]

Movis: I’m saving my own skin! You’re all on your own! You can all rot in Hell for all I care! [[Yep... that’s what I suspected.|endmov]] [[Right back at ya, dick-breath.|endmov]]

Movis curls into a ball and begins to whimper. [[Talk to Akorr|ttakks]] [[Talk to Handor|kttkahand]] [[Get ready to fight|ready2fith]]

Akorr: If we die tonight, barbarian, then I am glad to have met you. You are both strong and noble. It would be an honor to die by your side. [[Nobody’s dying tonight. We’ve all got long lives ahead of us, you mark my words.|markem]] [[No need to be so dramatic, Akorr.|markem]]

Akorr: Win the favor of the crowd and Battoxxus may be swayed to let us live a while longer. But to do that, we’ll need to defeat whatever monsters they throw at us. It will not be an easy task. And right now, Battoxxus is in a foul mood. Even the cheers of the crowd will not keep us alive forever. [[Then let's give them a show they'll never forget!|markem]] [[Just stay by my side. Together we can handle anything they throw at us.|markem]]

Akorr nods his head and prepares to fight. [[Talk to Movis|ttmov]] [[Talk to Handor|kttkahand]] [[Get ready to fight|ready2fith]]

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ack2ng]] [[Throw Detonator|acidbomb2ng]] (x$det) [[Eat Pizza|pizza2ng]] (x$pizza)

You yank the dagger out of Battoxxus’s waistband and stab it into his fat belly. The Gorlon squeals. You twist the dagger. Green slime gushes over your hand as your former master dies. You look around and see that most of the other Gorlons have been killed. The slaves of this house are now free. [[Continue|slavesrfree]]

You punch the Gorlon in the face. His eyes roll back in his head as he collapses to the ground, unconscious. [[Continue|slavesrfree]]

Akorr and Handor approach. [[Continue|getouttts]]

Akorr: You’ve done it now, barbarian. A slave revolt on Karkus! Have you ever heard of such a thing? No, but don’t expect the path forward to be easy. The Gorlons won’t tolerate this. They’ll do everything they can to make sure you're captured and publicly executed. [[I have more important things to worry about. My mission was disrupted when the Gorlons capture me, but I must get back to it. I need to find the Atomic Angel.|findaa]] [[There must be thousands of slaves on Karkus. We can free them and rally them to our cause. If it’s a war the Gorlons want, it’s a war they’ll get.|findaa]]

<<if visited("kiltvolk")>>\ At that moment you hear an ear-splitting shriek, and an instant later you are thrown from your feet as the far side of the arena explodes. You and your companions stand and brush the dust out of your hair. [[Continue|theinvest]] <<else>>\ At that moment you hear an ear-splitting shriek, and an instant later you are thrown from your feet as the far side of the building explodes. You and your companions stand and brush the dust out of your hair. [[Continue|theinvest]] <</if>>\

<<if visited("kiltvolk")>>\ You clamber over the rubble, searching for the source of the impact. You spot Battoxxus nearby, buried under a collapsed wall. He is dead. As you reach the far side of the ruined arena, you discover a wrecked starship. Black smoke billows out of the exhaust ports. [[Continue|withasiwh]] <<else>>\ You clamber over the rubble, searching for the source of the impact. You spot Movis nearby, buried under a collapsed wall. He is dead. As you reach the far side of the ruined house, you discover a wrecked starship. Black smoke billows out of the exhaust ports. [[Continue|withasiwh]] <</if>>\

You hear a metallic thud coming from inside the craft. Suddenly the ship’s door smashes off its hinges and a barbarian falls out of the ship, landing among the rocks. You cautiously approach. [[Continue|describarb]]

<<if visited("dude")>>\ The barbarian’s left arm ends at the elbow. A laser cannon has been grafted to the spot where his forearm should be. His body is covered in deep scars, and he wears a black eyepatch over his right eye. Your heart skips a beat. You recognize this barbarian. He coughs and opens his good eye, looking directly at you. [[Continue|barblinesd]] <<else>>\ The barbarian’s left arm ends at the elbow. A laser cannon has been grafted to the spot where her forearm should be. Her body is covered in deep scars, and she wears a black eyepatch over her right eye. Your heart skips a beat. You recognize this barbarian. She coughs and opens her good eye, looking directly at you. [[Continue|barblinesd]] <</if>>\

Barbarian: Thank Shergblatt I found you... (coughs) Damn, I used to look good. What, you don’t recognize me? It must be the eyepatch. (coughs) It’s me... you. [[What the hell?|wth]] [[You’re... me? How is that possible? Are you a time traveler?|wth]] [[This is so freaking cool! I get so much more badass in the future!|wth]]

Barbarian: Less talking, more listening. I don’t have much time. Someone killed the last version of me- I mean us, before I... uh... we... ugh, time travel is confusing. Listen, someone is about to kill me, but I’ve come back to give you a warning: you must go to the planet Bo before its star dies. There you will meet a sage named- [[Continue|dedbarb]]

<<if visited("kiltvolk")>>\ There is a sound like a whip crack and the barbarian’s chest is instantly vaporized. You spin around and spot a metal clad warrior dismantling a sniper on one of the balconies above. Before you can react, the figure leaps into a starship and zips away. A green skull and crossbones has been emblazoned on the side of the ship- the Atomic Angel! [[Continue|friendldlg]] <<else>>\ There is a sound like a whip crack and the barbarian’s chest is instantly vaporized. You spin around and spot a metal clad warrior dismantling a sniper on the roof. Before you can react, the figure leaps into a starship and zips away. A green skull and crossbones has been emblazoned on the side of the ship- the Atomic Angel! [[Continue|friendldlg]] <</if>>\

Akorr: What was that all about? [[I need to follow that guy!|followthatfug]] [[Bo... I need to get to Bo!|gettobo]] [[I just watched myself die!|watchmeyslerdie]]

Handor: There is a supply ship nearby. I saw the Gorlons unloading Myrrth this morning. You can steal that and get out of here. [[Thanks. Now let’s do one of those really cool forearm shakes that medieval bros always do in movies.|broshake]] [[Can I trust you guys to get the slaves off this cursed planet?|trsutyaou]]

<<if visited("kiltvolk")>>\ Handor: There are a dozen ships parked just outside the arena. You can steal one and get out of here. [[Thanks. Now let’s do one of those really cool forearm shakes that medieval bros always do in movies.|broshake]] [[Can I trust you guys to get the slaves off this cursed planet?|trsutyaou]] <<else>>\ Handor: There is a supply ship nearby. I saw the Gorlons unloading Myrrth this morning. You can steal that and get out of here. [[Thanks. Now let’s do one of those really cool forearm shakes that medieval bros always do in movies.|broshake]] [[Can I trust you guys to get the slaves off this cursed planet?|trsutyaou]] <</if>>\

Akorr: What are you going to do, master? [[I need to follow the Atomic Angel. I have to kill him before he kills me!|followthatfug]] [[My future self told me to travel to Bo. I must find the mysterious sage waiting for me there!|gettobo]]

<<if visited("kiltvolk")>>\ You all grasp forearms and do some dramatic forehead touches, promising that you will meet again someday. Then you leap into one of the parked ships and take off. The slaves on the planet below wave and cheer as you zoom overhead and warp out of the system. [[Continue|theend]] <<else>>\ You all grasp forearms and do some dramatic forehead touches, promising that you will meet again someday. Then you leap into the cargo ship and take off. The slaves on the planet below wave and cheer as you zoom overhead and warp out of the system. [[Continue|theend]] <</if>>\

Akorr: Of course, master. [[Continue|broshake]]

<<if visited("gettobo")>>\ With the last words of your future self ringing in your ears, you set a course for the doomed planet Bo and the mysterious sage awaiting you. You aren’t sure what trials lie ahead, but one thing’s for sure: you’re not going to die like your future self did. You wouldn’t have set yourself on this path if there was no hope of victory. You vow to unravel the mystery set forth by your future self, and once that is done you’ll set your sights on the Atomic Angel... and whatever adventures fate has in store for you. [[The End|endofgame]] <<else>>\ You ignore the dying words of your future self, instead setting your sights on the Atomic Angel. There will be time to seek out the mysterious sage on Bo later. Right now, you need to kill the man that is destined to kill you. All you can do is hope you're making the right choice... [[The End|endofgame]] <</if>>\

Congratulations! You have reached the end of Crypt Shyfter: Rebellion! Crypt Shyfter will return next month- and it's going to kick ass! Wanna be the first to play it? Ultimate Badasses get early access to new games and get their names listed in the credits! [[Join the tribe!|https://kungfuspacebarbarian.com/become-an-ultimate-badass/]]

Akorr: You may have noticed a room we passed earlier containing a loud clanking machine. That is a Myrrth extractor. It extracts the Myrrth from minerals and disperses it through the air, allowing us to breathe freely. Vents leading throughout the building carry the gas to each room. Myrrth extractors are an essential part of Gorlon survival. [[Do they ever turn off?|turnoffgass]] [[What happens when you run out of minerals?|runoutofs]]

Akorr: Escape? What are you talking about, barbarian? [[We’re not going to die here, Akorr. You and me are the best fighters on this planet. Our fates are not tied to the arena.|youandmes]] [[I’m talking about killing the Gorlons and leaving this wretched place.|youandmes]]

Akorr: If we’re caught, barbarian, we’re dead. [[If we don’t escape, we’re dead anyway. I think I’ll take my chances.|hcnagess]] [[You’re right. It’s too risky. We should stay put and wait for another opportunity to escape.|hungryfss]]

Akorr stands to retrieve his gear, but at that moment Battoxxus and a legion of Gorlon soldiers enter the dining hall. Movis is wringing his hands behind them. [[Continue|plannnnngi]]

You and Akorr finish your meals. You're just about to exit the dining hall when you’re greeted by Battoxxus and a legion of Gorlon soldiers. Movis is wringing his hands behind them. [[Continue|plannnnngi]]

You notice that none of the Gorlons are wearing breathing masks in here, so you ask Akorr about it. [[Continue|brreah]] <<set $pizza += 2>>\

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick Movis in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap Movis!","You give Movis a wet willy!","You give Movis a dead-leg!","You spit in Movis's face!","You tackle Movis!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on Movis's toes!","You chokeslam Movis!","You powerbomb Movis!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Movis with a deadly chi attack!","You poke Movis in the eye!","You give Movis a wedgie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on Movis’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon Movis!","You tie Movis’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|winkorg]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick Movis in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap Movis!","You give Movis a wet willy!","You give Movis a dead-leg!","You spit in Movis's face!","You tackle Movis!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on Movis's toes!","You chokeslam Movis!","You powerbomb Movis!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast Movis with a deadly chi attack!","You poke Movis in the eye!","You give Movis a wedgie!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on Movis’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon Movis!","You tie Movis’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurn2ng]] <</if>>\

<<if $det gte 1>>\ <<set $det -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an detonator! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHP2ng]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any detonators! Try something else. [[Continue|fightmovies]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 10>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 10 hit points. [[Continue|checkHP2ng]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|fightmovies]]<</if>>

Max Attack increased by 2! [[Continue|defeatmov]] <<set $atk += 2>>\

<<set $atkdmg = random(1,8)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("Movis punches you!","Movis starts dancing badly!","Movis does an awkward cartwheel!","Movis steps on your toes!","Movis chokeslams you!","Movis powerbombs you!","Movis pokes you in the eye!","Movis gives you a wedgie!","Movis steals your lunch money!","Movis beats you up!","Movis gives you a noogie!","Movis moons you!","Movis ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("Movis punches you!","Movis starts dancing badly!","Movis does an awkward cartwheel!","Movis steps on your toes!","Movis chokeslams you!","Movis powerbombs you!","Movis pokes you in the eye!","Movis gives you a wedgie!","Movis steals your lunch money!","Movis beats you up!","Movis gives you a noogie!","Movis moons you!","Movis ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|fightmovies]] <</if>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|winkorg]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurn2ng]]<</if>>

<<if visited("notsou")>>\ You beat the snot out of Movis, but your fight took too long! At that moment you feel a deep rumbling. You are almost knocked off your feet by a gust of wind. You look up and see hundreds of Gorlon warships descending upon the planet. Battoxxus watches from a window nearby. You’ve wasted too much time! [[Continue|totheslf]] <<else>>\ You beat the snot out of Movis, but your fight draws too much attention! A group of Gorlon guards immediately surround you. Movis slobbers out an explanation but they don't want to hear it. You, Akorr, and Movis are chained and brought before Battoxxus. [[Continue|brufh]] <</if>>\

Battoxxus: That was very foolish, barbarian. Planning to escape AND tampering with the Myrrth extractor? Unforgivable. I’m sending you and all of your little friends to the arena. Tonight the Gorlon Empire will witness an event not seen for a thousand generations. Tonight you will all fight Shyfters! And make no mistake: you will ALL DIE! [[Eat liquid shit, motherfucker!|liquidshitl]] [[With all due respect, you can kiss my ass, master.|liquidshitl]]

Battoxxus grins. Movis begins to chuckle. Battoxxus turns to him. [[Continue|disgusyghs]]

Battoxxus: You have served the Gorlons well, human, but you are a vile creature. A traitor to your own race! Is there nothing more dishonorable? You will die with the others tonight. [[Continue|arestfols]]

Movis: W-what!? But I- master! It’s not fair! I helped you capture them! I thought you would grant me freedom! You can’t do this! [[Continue|tothedships]]

The Gorlons lead you all into prison ships. An hour later you find yourselves in cages around the great arena. Movis, Akorr, and Handor share your cell. You watch as the seats above begin to fill. It seems like tonight’s event is going to be sold out. [[Talk to Movis|ttmov]] [[Talk to Akorr|ttakks]] [[Talk to Handor|kttkahand]] [[Get ready to fight|ready2fith]]

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick a Gorlon in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Gorlons!","You give the Gorlons wet willies!","You spit in a Gorlon's face!","You tackle the Gorlons!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Gorlon's toes!","You chokeslam a Gorlon!","You powerbomb a Gorlon!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast the Gorlons with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Gorlon in the eye!","You give the Gorlons wedgies!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Gorlon’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon the Gorlons!","You tie a Gorlon’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|winnadt]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick a Gorlon in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Gorlons!","You give the Gorlons wet willies!","You spit in a Gorlon's face!","You tackle the Gorlons!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Gorlon's toes!","You chokeslam a Gorlon!","You powerbomb a Gorlon!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast the Gorlons with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Gorlon in the eye!","You give the Gorlons wedgies!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Gorlon’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon the Gorlons!","You tie a Gorlon’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurn2dt]] <</if>>\

<<if $det gte 1>>\ <<set $det -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an detonator! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHP2dt]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any detonators! Try something else. [[Continue|fightout]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 10>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 10 hit points. [[Continue|checkHP2dt]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|fightout]]<</if>>

Max Attack increased by 2! [[Continue|fightwin]] <<set $atk += 2>>\

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|winnadt]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurn2dt]]<</if>>

Handor grins. [[Talk to Movis|ttmov]] [[Talk to Akorr|ttakks]] [[Get ready to fight|ready2fith]]

You step onto the sand and face the Shyfter, alone. Unfortunately, the Shyfter isn't alone... a metal gate opens and two more Shyfters enter the arena! [[Enter Combat|shyfterfights]] <<set $ehp = 35>>\ <<set $battle = 1>>\

The Gorlons in the crowd work themselves into a frenzy. The terrified guards open the cages and unleash dozens of Shyfters into the arena. The crowd goes wild as the bloodshed begins! [[Enter Combat|shyfterfights]] <<set $ehp = 40>>\ <<set $battle = 2>>\

Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp [[Attack|ackdn]] [[Throw Detonator|acidbombdn]] (x$det) [[Eat Pizza|pizzadn]] (x$pizza)

<<if $battle == 1>>\ You destroy the Shyfters and hear the roar of the crowd. Your display of bravery rallies the slaves in other holding pens. They grab the rusty swords meant for their combats and charge out with you. [[Continue|gorls]] <<else>>\ You and the slaves butcher the Shyfters. The crowds cheers turn to screams of terror as slaves begin climbing the walls and slaughtering the Gorlons in the stands. You spot Battoxxus high above. A group of Gorlon guards lead him away from the chaos. [[Continue|remember]] <</if>>\

Just then a Gorlon leaps from one of the balconies and lands in the sand before you. He ignites a laser axe as he approaches. [[Continue|vokfor]]

Volkor: Remember me, barbarian? I came here to watch you die, but today must be my lucky day. I'm going to be the one who kills you tonight! [[I've been looking forward to this moment, Volkor.|smashface]] [[I finally get to kill your stupid ass!|smashface]] [[Bring it on, fart breath!|smashface]] <<set $ehp = 35>>\ <<set $volk = 2>>\

<<set $atkdmg = $atk + random(1,6)>>\ <<set $ehp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick a Shyfter in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Shyfters!","You give the Shyfters wet willies!","You spit in a Shyfter's face!","You tackle the Shyfters!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Shyfter's toes!","You chokeslam a Shyfter!","You powerbomb a Shyfter!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast the Shyfters with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Shyfter in the eye!","You give the Shyfters wedgies!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Shyfter’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon the Shyfters!","You tie a Shyfter’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! You are victorious! [[Continue|winnadn]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("You unleash a sonic fart!","You kick a Shyfter in the nuts!","You execute a perfect 720 whirlwind kick!","You slap the Shyfters!","You give the Shyfters wet willies!","You spit in a Shyfter's face!","You tackle the Shyfters!","Your dance moves are off the hook!","You step on a Shyfter's toes!","You chokeslam a Shyfter!","You powerbomb a Shyfter!","You unleash a No-Shadow Kick!","You use TIGER CLAW!","You blast the Shyfters with a deadly chi attack!","You poke a Shyfter in the eye!","You give the Shyfters wedgies!","You put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on a Shyfter’s back and somebody kicks him!","You moon the Shyfters!","You tie a Shyfter’s shoelaces together and he falls down!")>> It deals $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|EnemyTurn2dn]] <</if>>\

<<if $det gte 1>>\ <<set $det -= 1>>\ <<set $ehp -= 8>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp You throw an detonator! It deals 8 damage! [[Continue|checkHP2dn]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any detonators! Try something else. [[Continue|shyfterfights]]<</if>>

<<if $pizza gte 1>>\ <<set $pizza -= 1>>\ <<set $hp += 10>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp Yum! Gained 10 hit points. [[Continue|checkHP2dn]] <<else>>\ You don’t have any pizza! Try something else. [[Continue|shyfterfights]]<</if>>

<<if $ehp lte 0>>\ Your enemy has run out of hit points. You are victorious! [[Continue|winnadn]] <<else>>\ It is the enemy’s turn. [[Continue|EnemyTurn2dn]]<</if>>

Max Attack increased by 3! [[Continue|shyfwinss]] <<set $atk += 3>>\

<<set $atkdmg = random(1,6)>>\ <<set $hp -= $atkdmg>>\ <<if $hp lte 0>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The Shyfters start dancing badly!","The Shyfters step on your toes!","A Shyfter chokeslams you!","A Shyfter powerbombs you!","A Shyfter pokes you in the eye!","A Shyfter gives you a wedgie!","The Shyfters steal your lunch money!","The Shyfters beat you up!","A Shyfter gives you a noogie!","The Shyfters moon you!","A Shyfter ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! You have run out of hit points. You are dead! [[Continue|nextdie]] <<else>>\ Your HP: $hp | Enemy HP: $ehp <<print either("The Shyfters start dancing badly!","The Shyfters step on your toes!","A Shyfter chokeslams you!","A Shyfter powerbombs you!","A Shyfter pokes you in the eye!","A Shyfter gives you a wedgie!","The Shyfters steal your lunch money!","The Shyfters beat you up!","A Shyfter gives you a noogie!","The Shyfters moon you!","A Shyfter ties your shoelaces together and you fall down!")>> You take $atkdmg damage! [[Continue|shyfterfights]] <</if>>\

<div style="text-align: center;">\ ----- Ultimate Badasses ----- Rinkin, Modius Deathgripper, djowsilva, RedPhoenix, Captain Rob Agony, Natalia, Lady Cat, Demicrown, zach, Emma987, Juan Carlos, PopFizzy, juliet, Ajbankz, Marcin, company.inc, Donovan, Craig, darkchaos125, Fadhill, Smoncko, Wallac, Jet, Ron, Thimothy, Blaize, Mihai769, Kiranis, Ewolf, Sir Tobis, NOPE., paige [[Page 1|uba]] | [[Page 2|morebad]] [[Start Game|storyMode]] [[Credits|settings]] [[Become an Ultimate Badass|http://newgrounds.us16.list-manage2.com/subscribe?u=01eae0daa47b660252cece3d3&id=f244cd6339]] </div>\

You enter a side room. The guards close the door behind you. The stone chamber is filled with chains, butt plugs, and giant black dildos. At the far end of the room you notice a strange jello-like blob. [[Fuck yourself with a dildo|dildofuck]] [[Go fuck the giant blob|blobfuck]] [[Leave the sex chamber|leavechamber]]

You grab one of the dildos and shove it up your ass. You bounce up and down on that dick for a while until you get bored. [[Go fuck the giant blob|blobfuck]] [[Leave the sex chamber|leavechamber]]

<<if visited("dude")>>\ You approach the blob and pull your dick out. You stroke the baloney pony until you get hard and then stick it in the gooey blob. It is soft and warm. You throw your full weight on the blob and fuck it like you'd fuck a couch. [[Continue|blobang]] <<else>>\ You approach the blob and slide your fuzzy barbarian panties to the floor. You hug the blob and begin rubbing your vag against it. The blob is soft and warm, and it feels amazing on your lady bits. [[Continue|blockgil]] <</if>>\

You bounce up and down on the blob, fucking it faster and faster until you blow your load deep inside. You step away from the gelatinous gloop and look around the room. An alien slave chick has entered the sex chamber and is pleasuring herself in the corner. [[Challenge the chick to a race to see who can cum faster|cumfaster]] [[Fuck yourself with a dildo|dildofuck]] [[Leave the sex chamber|leavechamber]]

Suddenly the blob beneath you morphs part of itself into a dick, which it slides inside you. You gasp at the sudden hard warmth and then begin fucking it faster. It is only a few moments before you hit the big-O. You detach yourself from the gelatinous blob and look around the room. An alien slave dude has entered the sex chamber and is stroking himself in the corner. [[Challenge the dude to a race to see who can cum faster|cumfasterf]] [[Fuck yourself with a dildo|dildofuck]] [[Leave the sex chamber|leavechamber]]

You exit the slave sex chambers and return to the bath house. You lower yourself into one of the smaller pools and relax for a while. [[Continue|waitinpool]]

You drop to your knees next to the girl and begin stroking your pork sword. She eyes your body appreciatively and begins fingering herself faster. You can tell she's super turned on by masturbating in front of you. Her knees press together as her face contorts into a silent scream of pleasure. [[Continue|cuming]]

The slave girl cums a few seconds before you do. Her face is flushed, but she orders you to lick your cum off the floor. [[Lick your cum off the floor|lickcum]] [[Tell her to lick it|tellhertolick]] [[Fuck yourself with a dildo|dildofuck]] [[Leave the sex chamber|leavechamber]]

You lean down and lick up your own cum. The girl giggles. Freaky. [[Fuck yourself with a dildo|dildofuck]] [[Leave the sex chamber|leavechamber]]

The slave girl's face twists into a sly smile as she crawls on her hands and knees over to your cum splatter. She presses her boobs against the floor and licks up your man juice, making sure to keep her eyes locked on yours the entire time. [[Fuck yourself with a dildo|dildofuck]] [[Leave the sex chamber|leavechamber]]

You drop to your knees next to the dude and begin fingering yourself. He eyes your body appreciatively and begins stroking his pork sword even faster. You can tell he's super turned on by masturbating in front of you. His knees press together as his face contorts into a silent scream of pleasure. [[Continue|cumingf]]

The slave dude cums all over the floor a few seconds before you do. His face is flushed, but he orders you to lick his cum off the floor. [[Lick his cum off the floor|lickcumg]] [[Tell him to lick it|tellhertolickg]] [[Fuck yourself with a dildo|dildofuck]] [[Leave the sex chamber|leavechamber]]

You get down on your hands and knees and lick his cum off the floor. Freaky. [[Fuck yourself with a dildo|dildofuck]] [[Leave the sex chamber|leavechamber]]

The dude blushes, but gets down on his hands and knees and licks his own cum off the floor. [[Fuck yourself with a dildo|dildofuck]] [[Leave the sex chamber|leavechamber]]