Feng Shui

I have bad feng shui. I just found out yesterday, when a friend visited my home. He acted like he had never entered a house through the bathroom before.

Over the course of the afternoon, I learned about the laws of feng shui, which regulate every aspect of existence. It was like having another, more neurotic God.

For instance, your bedroom cannot be over the kitchen. If it is, then you know why your sex life is the way it is. Your bed should face the north and have copper under it.

With me so far?

The entrance of your home should not align with the stairway. If it does, refrain from going upstairs. Alternately, you can place a chime over the doorway. Make sure the chime does not hit the pitch of C.

Ideally, you should live in a pyramid. The way the market is, you may have to settle for a tract pyramid. Don't live at the end of a cul-de-sac.

In the study, place the lamp on the right side of your computer if you are left-handed, or on the right side if you are left-handed. Before turning on said lamp, blink three times and say "om mani padme hum." Do not turn off your lamp on Mondays.

Water your plants in the morning, not the night. Whatever you do, never let a plant die. If one does die, move.

You'll need an aquarium, but it must contain the right breed of fish. The aquarium should stand within view of the kitchen but not beside the stairs, which you will recall are askew the south-facing front door. The fish must swim in the direction dictated by their horoscopes. You can purchase specially trained shuifish on the Internet.

My friend, whom we'll call Sum Yung Gi, could only shake his head as we toured my place. He treaded carefully as if he expected the ceiling to collapse, pointing out what everything meant. The pile of laundry in the hall meant that my mind was cluttered. The television in my bedroom meant that I would never get a good night's rest. The gnats hovering above my sink meant that it was time to do the dishes.

Then we entered my living room, and I found out why I'm broke: I've got exposed beams! It wasn't me after all. It turns out that exposed beams are bad for your finances. How bad depends on the type of wood, the height of the ceiling, and the direction the beams are running. My beams run east-west, so it could have been worse. So it goes.

I carry a compass now wherever I go. I don't want to face the wrong direction one day and lose my virility. No. Wait. You lose your virility if you stare at your shadow. It's okay to stare at the sun as far as I know.

Fires are okay unless they catch the curtains.

Colors should also be considered. Everything in my place is a tone of brown, which not only speaks to my crudeness but means that I'll discover a tumor on my body in the next 6 months. Some Yung Gi named a few colors that are good feng shui, but I had never heard of them: bisque, chartreuse, indigo, sienna. They didn't sound like shades of brown.

Feng shui goes on to reveal where to eat, how to dress, and when to procreate. The methods become more complex as you advance, but if you stick with it, you will find that your home evolves to accommodate the mystifying world of the chi. I understand that a room with perfect feng shui has four padded walls and a resident whose jacket ties in the back.